Its awesome how you where able to tell the story without dialogue. It still gets your points across very strongly without really losing anything and you still get to have a battle. Can't wait to see it man. Also the character models look sweet.
Less than 5 full pages, and you've hit the nail on the head even more than your previous draft. Great job.
One quick comment, though: The book didn't seem that important when reading it the first time, so when it came back at the end I was taken by surprise. I think you can safely emphasize the book a little more without fear giving yourself away. You've got enough action immediately following that the audience will forget about it (but still remember it later), and even if they did have it firmly in mind the entire time the explanation would still come as a surprise.
I really liked the beginning of this version where you have the smash cut into the commercial for all of the flea products. This sounds like it is going to look good once it is all done. The opening scene, in general, sounds like it is going to be very good because it jumps right into the action. I love the visual image of Frank standing on top of the dead tick to sea the breathing mountains. I really liked the end and how we figure out who Mandy is when we can see the dog collar. Sounds really good and can’t wait to see more.
What you've posted on your vimeo page looks fantastic. It's remarkable to know that these turnarounds were all made from scratch. Good luck, I hope things keep coming together for you.
I love how the dogs' names add a more personal aspect to the end. Just that little addition makes it all the more apparent that Frank recognizes the dog as a living being, and not just his environment. I know I'd been harping on the idea of zooming out to show the parallel between fleas and ticks fighting for a dog, and humans fighting over earth's resources, but I think I like this even better. I also like the additional visual details you've added to this version, so we can tell in advance how we'll be able to tell who people like the General are, without any dialogue.
Really happy that you've yet again been able to shorten your script and still keep the emotion. I checked out your vids on your vimeo as well they look great I also commented there!
Great job making the script much more efficient while keeping the emotion of the story intact and in some cases making it even stronger. Specifically, the names of the dogs on the book and referencing back to it with the dog tag at the end. It reminds me of the scene in Toy Story 2 when Woody is playing with the puppy, except combine that with something out of Apocalypse Now. I can't seem to find any huge faults with the script especially when I remember the early drafts that were more convoluted with extraneous story and characters. I'm excited to see it all realized on screen.
The models on Vimeo look great too. You've always been a talented artist with the computer and you're getting better and better. One concern I have is that you say you're going to use the same models over and over. I understand that's the method that's used to populate something like a battlefield, but is there going to be anything that differentiates Frank from the other fleas besides equipment? His emotional connection to the audience is so important that I think his facial expressions should be his and his alone especially without a distinct voice to set him apart.
i posted my thoughts on your models on the vimeo page, so i'm just gonna talk about the script on here.
i think it's great that you cut the length. your story is now more focused and concise in this shorter form. and it's pretty amazing how you managed to run the gauntlet of emotions in 5 pages. really solid stuff.
my only concern is about the ending. i was left wondering is Frank leading the flea army to another dog that will end up with the same fate as everyone else in the book? and if that is the case, why would he do that? i mean it seems like he had this moment of realization that what they're doing is wrong, or is it a necessity that they find another host? on the other hand if frank is leading the troops to another lifestyle that doesn't involve the dogs as hosts i think you need some sort of action showing this other than just leaving mandy. i could be the only one who found frank's next actions a little vague. i think you need one simple moment for frank to have during that 'walking away' sequence at the end to really reinforce to the audience just exactly what is his next move.
other than that, really good work man. all around.
For some reason I am having trouble getting to your vimeo sight now but I was able to briefly watch the model on friday night while I was uploading my deliverable. The model is unbelievable. I can't get over how good you are with that program! I am looking forward to seeing more of your work. Awesome job with the script! You really did a great job cutting everything down to 5 pages. In my opinion the shorter the better. I think it is more effective. Keep up the great work!
Beautiful script. What a great case for the "less is more" argument!
I disagree with Zach regarding the book. You're going to have to show that visually anyway, so it doesn't really matter how much it's emphasized in the script. In any case, as I was reading it, I thought to myself, "The General is carrying a book in the middle of a battle? That's dumb." And then you came back and explained it. Nice.
I agree with Emilio that you should add some visual difference to Frank so that he stands out to the audience... a scar or a slightly mis-shapen head or a gimpy fin--whoops, not that last one... in all seriousness though, he should be unique in some way.
Michael- I'm not sure if I was the only one to get this, but my assumption was that they were leaving Mandy ALIVE, rather than draining her dry (literally) and leaving her for dead as with the past dogs.
Its awesome how you where able to tell the story without dialogue. It still gets your points across very strongly without really losing anything and you still get to have a battle. Can't wait to see it man. Also the character models look sweet.
ReplyDeleteJJ:
ReplyDeleteLess than 5 full pages, and you've hit the nail on the head even more than your previous draft. Great job.
One quick comment, though: The book didn't seem that important when reading it the first time, so when it came back at the end I was taken by surprise. I think you can safely emphasize the book a little more without fear giving yourself away. You've got enough action immediately following that the audience will forget about it (but still remember it later), and even if they did have it firmly in mind the entire time the explanation would still come as a surprise.
I really liked the beginning of this version where you have the smash cut into the commercial for all of the flea products. This sounds like it is going to look good once it is all done.
ReplyDeleteThe opening scene, in general, sounds like it is going to be very good because it jumps right into the action.
I love the visual image of Frank standing on top of the dead tick to sea the breathing mountains.
I really liked the end and how we figure out who Mandy is when we can see the dog collar.
Sounds really good and can’t wait to see more.
What you've posted on your vimeo page looks fantastic. It's remarkable to know that these turnarounds were all made from scratch. Good luck, I hope things keep coming together for you.
ReplyDeleteI love how the dogs' names add a more personal aspect to the end. Just that little addition makes it all the more apparent that Frank recognizes the dog as a living being, and not just his environment. I know I'd been harping on the idea of zooming out to show the parallel between fleas and ticks fighting for a dog, and humans fighting over earth's resources, but I think I like this even better. I also like the additional visual details you've added to this version, so we can tell in advance how we'll be able to tell who people like the General are, without any dialogue.
ReplyDeleteReally happy that you've yet again been able to shorten your script and still keep the emotion. I checked out your vids on your vimeo as well they look great I also commented there!
ReplyDeleteGreat job making the script much more efficient while keeping the emotion of the story intact and in some cases making it even stronger. Specifically, the names of the dogs on the book and referencing back to it with the dog tag at the end. It reminds me of the scene in Toy Story 2 when Woody is playing with the puppy, except combine that with something out of Apocalypse Now. I can't seem to find any huge faults with the script especially when I remember the early drafts that were more convoluted with extraneous story and characters. I'm excited to see it all realized on screen.
ReplyDeleteThe models on Vimeo look great too. You've always been a talented artist with the computer and you're getting better and better. One concern I have is that you say you're going to use the same models over and over. I understand that's the method that's used to populate something like a battlefield, but is there going to be anything that differentiates Frank from the other fleas besides equipment? His emotional connection to the audience is so important that I think his facial expressions should be his and his alone especially without a distinct voice to set him apart.
hey jj...
ReplyDeletei posted my thoughts on your models on the vimeo page, so i'm just gonna talk about the script on here.
i think it's great that you cut the length. your story is now more focused and concise in this shorter form. and it's pretty amazing how you managed to run the gauntlet of emotions in 5 pages. really solid stuff.
my only concern is about the ending. i was left wondering is Frank leading the flea army to another dog that will end up with the same fate as everyone else in the book? and if that is the case, why would he do that? i mean it seems like he had this moment of realization that what they're doing is wrong, or is it a necessity that they find another host? on the other hand if frank is leading the troops to another lifestyle that doesn't involve the dogs as hosts i think you need some sort of action showing this other than just leaving mandy. i could be the only one who found frank's next actions a little vague. i think you need one simple moment for frank to have during that 'walking away' sequence at the end to really reinforce to the audience just exactly what is his next move.
other than that, really good work man. all around.
For some reason I am having trouble getting to your vimeo sight now but I was able to briefly watch the model on friday night while I was uploading my deliverable. The model is unbelievable. I can't get over how good you are with that program! I am looking forward to seeing more of your work. Awesome job with the script! You really did a great job cutting everything down to 5 pages. In my opinion the shorter the better. I think it is more effective. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful script. What a great case for the "less is more" argument!
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Zach regarding the book. You're going to have to show that visually anyway, so it doesn't really matter how much it's emphasized in the script. In any case, as I was reading it, I thought to myself, "The General is carrying a book in the middle of a battle? That's dumb." And then you came back and explained it. Nice.
I agree with Emilio that you should add some visual difference to Frank so that he stands out to the audience... a scar or a slightly mis-shapen head or a gimpy fin--whoops, not that last one... in all seriousness though, he should be unique in some way.
Michael- I'm not sure if I was the only one to get this, but my assumption was that they were leaving Mandy ALIVE, rather than draining her dry (literally) and leaving her for dead as with the past dogs.