On page 29 you have a couple of LOOOOONG paragraphs, I felt like I was reading a novel. You might want to break those down a bit.
"with a head that has not seen hair in some years." - That's funny.
LOVE your scene where Kelvin call religion an excuse. I think that increases his disconnect with society exponentially. If this guy can't appreciate other people's religious beliefs then he must be a HUGE S.O.B. Good job there that really helps show us how far Kelvin has fallen.
OKAY: A few suggestions for your GAP scene. Maybe Mary gets a call from someone in her family: they are either sick or in trouble and Mary needs to leave promptly, cutting off the evening and reminding Kelvin of his lost family. Or, is Mary a hooker also? If so, maybe her pimp breaks in to Kelvin's apartment and roughs her up for not paying up the full days take, roughing up Kelvin in the process. That might seem a little extreme. Or, if Mary is a hooker, she gets a call from another client, a better paying client, and she leaves Kelvin in the dust. All these things could play with Kelvin's psyche even further which is what I think you need to get Kelvin thinking about his family again.
And who is Sharon? She is mentioned once at the bar and then never appears again. Is she supposed to be Mary and you just mixed up names or what? Please explain.
Write more. And is there a specific reason why Kelvin chooses to go to Europe? Why not Barbados? I think we need some hinting at why? And I think you give us something with his appreciation of the WWII footage. He appreciates the classics and the "Old World" but still I think we need something else that would prompt him to go there.
OVERALL: GOOD JOB. I want to see more. Get into those scene with Kelvin, Hari, and Natalya. That is the HEART of your movie.
There are still some major grammatical errors in this draft that were also in the last. Here are two of the biggest problems for me:
“The dog then runs across the street toward the other sidewalk, of which resides next to an open concrete courtyard in front a massive skyscraper.”
“Alexander walking from behind curtains of stage left, meeting a middle-aged man,who comes from stage right, in the middle, shaking each others hands.”
There are several more like this. I think your script has great potential, your characters are interesting, but I have real trouble getting through it with these errors.
I really don't have a lot to say because I believe that for what you're going for you're coming up pretty much aces. I do have a few things though. The first of which is caught somewhere between objective and subjective and I've been saying it all along, it's about the camera movements written in the script. I was always taught not to write in camera movements because that is the job of the director but to write the scene in which you allude to where you want the camera without specifically saying "camera." I think if you tried doing this the script would read a little more smoothly than it does now and could only help. Your call though and this is the last time I'll bring this up. Next is the paragraphs. I mean at one point you've got a paragraph that's 14 lines long. I get all that information is important but you need to at least break it up.
Other than those things, I think that you need a new scene with Mary not just adding on to an additional one. It needs to be something either involving her family to allow Alex associate with Alex's loss of family OR something with a higher paying customer (like Eric said) to associate Alex's standing with everyone in the world. He thinks he's worth more than he currently is, ya know.
Good stuff though. I think after you make the changes you know you need to make you'll have great stuff.
Fantastic, I'm a big fan of Alexander as a character. The new scenes for the majority are awesome, though the subway scene was well, skip-able.
Like everyone else I'll harp on about the fact that this reads like a novel, don't get me wrong, I love novels, and utilizing the religious vs. science in the opening was a very good way to hook the reader (hopefully not alienating some who don't understand or get offended).
I think you need to beef of your women in the script, while they may only be smaller roles, secondary even, but they seem kinda...empty.. Like added recently with out a lot of backstory.
Anyways, I think it's awesome..can't wait to see the next act(s)!
I believe you said at the beginning of the script that you planned on including some dialogue between Alexander and Mary. I think thats a great idea. There is an interesting possibility between the woman that he works with, hanging out with those two men and the wolf. It almost seemed these moments in life where Alexander actually feels concerned/interested for something other then himself. I wanted to learn what was building up with the woman and why he continues to admire her physical beauty as well as what trouble she seemed to be in. There is a possible human link between the two.
Tim,
ReplyDeleteOn page 29 you have a couple of LOOOOONG paragraphs, I felt like I was reading a novel. You might want to break those down a bit.
"with a head that has not seen hair in some
years." - That's funny.
LOVE your scene where Kelvin call religion an excuse. I think that increases his disconnect with society exponentially. If this guy can't appreciate other people's religious beliefs then he must be a HUGE S.O.B. Good job there that really helps show us how far Kelvin has fallen.
OKAY: A few suggestions for your GAP scene. Maybe Mary gets a call from someone in her family: they are either sick or in trouble and Mary needs to leave promptly, cutting off the evening and reminding Kelvin of his lost family. Or, is Mary a hooker also? If so, maybe her pimp breaks in to Kelvin's apartment and roughs her up for not paying up the full days take, roughing up Kelvin in the process. That might seem a little extreme. Or, if Mary is a hooker, she gets a call from another client, a better paying client, and she leaves Kelvin in the dust. All these things could play with Kelvin's psyche even further which is what I think you need to get Kelvin thinking about his family again.
And who is Sharon? She is mentioned once at the bar and then never appears again. Is she supposed to be Mary and you just mixed up names or what? Please explain.
Write more. And is there a specific reason why Kelvin chooses to go to Europe? Why not Barbados? I think we need some hinting at why? And I think you give us something with his appreciation of the WWII footage. He appreciates the classics and the "Old World" but still I think we need something else that would prompt him to go there.
OVERALL: GOOD JOB. I want to see more. Get into those scene with Kelvin, Hari, and Natalya. That is the HEART of your movie.
Tim-
ReplyDeleteThere are still some major grammatical errors in this draft that were also in the last. Here are two of the biggest problems for me:
“The dog then runs across the street toward the other sidewalk, of which resides next to an open concrete courtyard in front a massive skyscraper.”
“Alexander walking from behind curtains of stage left, meeting a middle-aged man,who comes from stage right, in the middle, shaking each others hands.”
There are several more like this. I think your script has great potential, your characters are interesting, but I have real trouble getting through it with these errors.
Hey Tim...
ReplyDeleteI really don't have a lot to say because I believe that for what you're going for you're coming up pretty much aces. I do have a few things though. The first of which is caught somewhere between objective and subjective and I've been saying it all along, it's about the camera movements written in the script. I was always taught not to write in camera movements because that is the job of the director but to write the scene in which you allude to where you want the camera without specifically saying "camera." I think if you tried doing this the script would read a little more smoothly than it does now and could only help. Your call though and this is the last time I'll bring this up. Next is the paragraphs. I mean at one point you've got a paragraph that's 14 lines long. I get all that information is important but you need to at least break it up.
Other than those things, I think that you need a new scene with Mary not just adding on to an additional one. It needs to be something either involving her family to allow Alex associate with Alex's loss of family OR something with a higher paying customer (like Eric said) to associate Alex's standing with everyone in the world. He thinks he's worth more than he currently is, ya know.
Good stuff though. I think after you make the changes you know you need to make you'll have great stuff.
Fantastic, I'm a big fan of Alexander as a character. The new scenes for the majority are awesome, though the subway scene was well, skip-able.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else I'll harp on about the fact that this reads like a novel, don't get me wrong, I love novels, and utilizing the religious vs. science in the opening was a very good way to hook the reader (hopefully not alienating some who don't understand or get offended).
I think you need to beef of your women in the script, while they may only be smaller roles, secondary even, but they seem kinda...empty.. Like added recently with out a lot of backstory.
Anyways, I think it's awesome..can't wait to see the next act(s)!
I believe you said at the beginning of the script that you planned on including some dialogue between Alexander and Mary. I think thats a great idea. There is an interesting possibility between the woman that he works with, hanging out with those two men and the wolf. It almost seemed these moments in life where Alexander actually feels concerned/interested for something other then himself. I wanted to learn what was building up with the woman and why he continues to admire her physical beauty as well as what trouble she seemed to be in. There is a possible human link between the two.
ReplyDelete