I like this opening better; not as implausible You knew about this? A set up? * How’d- dialogue feels stilted 8; i like when ed insists that they all have to leave 10; what's the function of the scene with CID? simply introducing CID? i like who you then go to CID's brother in the next scene but make sure every scene has it's own intrinsic STORY function; introing a character is not a story function; (correct me if I missed something) 15; nice sc with harlan and lily 20; nice build to end of act one; to finding out about tom miller; i like how you are cutting around; keep it up; get through act 2!
Pg. 1 – “Time passes. McClintock ashes his bud and nudges Moe who is now sitting under a thin mesquite. As Moe stands McClintock looks out towards the light rail, where ELI GERMAINE emerges from the train.” – light rail should be capitalized.
Pg. 7 – “The sun is stifling. Nothing stirs outside the shade and the hum of the AC units besides the cheers and echoes from the party.” – nice conveyance of atmosphere.
Pg. 8 – “PATRON #2 Its 112 degrees out there Ed you can’t just turn us out.” – if the patron calls Ed by his name, then you have to have Ed know this patron, as they wouldn’t call him by name unless they knew each other.
Pg. 13 – Jake is alluded to having been upset for a long while and he all of sudden changes his tune in half a page?
Pg. 27 – nicely written scene.
Obviously you gotta play catch-up, but what you have here so far is a very interesting take on High Noon. Your words are oozing with mood and atmosphere.
I like this opening better; not as implausible
ReplyDeleteYou knew about this? A set up? * How’d-
dialogue feels stilted
8; i like when ed insists that they all have to leave
10; what's the function of the scene with CID? simply introducing CID? i like who you then go to CID's brother in the next scene but make sure every scene has it's own intrinsic STORY function; introing a character is not a story function; (correct me if I missed something)
15; nice sc with harlan and lily
20; nice build to end of act one; to finding out about tom miller; i like how you are cutting around; keep it up; get through act 2!
Pg. 1 – “Time passes. McClintock ashes his bud and nudges Moe who is now sitting under a thin mesquite. As Moe stands McClintock looks out towards the light rail, where ELI GERMAINE emerges from the train.” – light rail should be capitalized.
ReplyDeletePg. 7 – “The sun is stifling. Nothing stirs outside the shade and the hum of the AC units besides the cheers and echoes from the party.” – nice conveyance of atmosphere.
Pg. 8 – “PATRON #2
Its 112 degrees out there Ed you
can’t just turn us out.” – if the patron calls Ed by his name, then you have to have Ed know this patron, as they wouldn’t call him by name unless they knew each other.
Pg. 13 – Jake is alluded to having been upset for a long while and he all of sudden changes his tune in half a page?
Pg. 27 – nicely written scene.
Obviously you gotta play catch-up, but what you have here so far is a very interesting take on High Noon. Your words are oozing with mood and atmosphere.