pg 33 alexander says "and I am sorry for you for you..." I'm sure you want to delete one of those.
pg 44-45 when the dean asks WHAT alexander will be doing you had alexander answer by simply saying "east." which was a little confusing and I'm not sure if you meant that.
pg 57 natalya "...bother the man while he is he..." Thinking you meant "he is here"
pg 60 Hari at bottom of page "I heard them tell me mom that she..." Replace the "me" with "my"
pg 81 Alexanders second set of lines from the top he says "but but" I'm sure you want to delete one of those.
There are a few more typos usually just a letter or so off throughout the script but other than that I think it is great Tim.
The reveal of Natalya's death was brought on in a great way as I was also becoming suspicious of the two men who always came to her house.
I could feel Alexander's change to a more humane person while he was staying and being cared for by Natalya and Hari and I think his transition from harsh realist to a more human person is great.
Alexander was easier to understand after reading the full script. Only suggestion, I kind of wanted to get a bet more conclusion with his relationship with the mother and child (I forget the names). The relationship was developing nicely but it feels a bit cut short. That said the ending with the wolf is awesome and I wouldn't want to see that change. Possible a little more before that scene? Very well written thought. Great job.
Pg 80: "Alexander looks up from cleaning at her" What does this mean?
I'll reiterate what Geo said. Some grammar/spelling mistakes, especially from Pg 80 on. You just need to read through and correct those.
Overall: I like it Tim, you have a very unconventional/unhappy ending. We just get that Alex has "grown" to an extent, which I think is perfect. And I like how we don't know if Natalya died or not, as it's not her story. We just get that she and Hari have helped Alex become a better/more caring/less self-absorbed person, which is what I think you were going for.
when eddie says darn right when at the bar didn't sound like his character cause he uses the phrase old lady and it seems like he would say something harder or rougher
page 27-Dave on answering machine saying "the next month and half or so" the or so seems unnecessary
page 34-alex says for you twice when i think it should be once
page 39-During the fight between Mary and Alex they drink wine. While they are fighting you mention alex finishing his drink about four times. When people traditionally pour a glass it has some volume and downing four glasses of wine is alot. It is an action someone would do if it was liquor. Choosing the wine is appropriate for the tone of the scene but it seems unnatural for someone to drink wine like that.
page 57-Natalya "...while he is he" did you mean while he is here?
page 60-Hari "I heard them tell me mom that..." did you mean tell my mom
why did he choose russia?
page 82-Natalya briefly stops his knitting and... I think you mean her knitting
Page 85-I feel like Natalya should say God instead of family as the first thing she lists cause I feel a religious person would always try to put God first so naturally they would name them first.
page 88-Natalya "90/10..opposing" seems like an odd line from her. Maybe if she said "I'd rather not talk/think about it." Maybe instead of answering she pauses and starts her next line with "If things don't turn out well Anzelm and Ksawery and their..."
I enjoyed the content and topics the script discusses. The idea's keep me intrigued to read more. I felt it slowed down alot from when alex first has his accident till about page 75. Time just seems to move on and very little is developed.
I enjoyed his moment on the porch but it did seem like it was a little out of no where. The audience knows he has become unhappy and almost died so that could give reason why someone would be so reflective on life.
When Alex and Hari are star gazing I think this is a good moment for one last thought, idea, theme, or summing up Alex and Hari relationship in the sense that Alex could relate the constellations with some greek mythology and relate it to life. I don't know, it just seems like Alex and Hari build a special bond and it is shown when he explains the compass to her. I fell like you can bring back a similar moment. Maybe it doesn't need to relate to life but rather him just explaining.
So I didn't notice a whole lot of change in this draft other than filling in the holes you were missing to get a completed script. You've got all my previous comments on the draft as a whole so I'll focus my comments on the new stuff.
-pg 52 - The doctor/translation scene. Having the doctor speak in Russian that much is going to be A LOT of subtitles. Like an overwhelming amount. If I were you I'd write in the script that 'the doctor speaks in Russian' then physically write out Natayla's dialogue of the translation in English (right now you have it the switched). This way on screen we'd have the doctor speaking in Russian which would ultimately be a background drone and our focus would be on Natayla and what she is saying. Doing this would give the audience a better chance to connect with Natayla.
-pg 63 - Just a minor formatting thing but in the slugline you have "nearly continuous". The proper way to do this is to write "moments later".
-pg 64-65 - Not sure I like having Alexander just go out to the porch and fall asleep. When he was back in the US he blatantly chose to live an isolated life and now for the past few days he's been forced to live with other people. Now that he's alone again either he should be enjoying the alone time or he should be looking for things to do to keep occupied since he 'misses' having personal interaction. I think you need to make a choice here depending on where the character development is and have him DO something that shows this choice, then he hears the howl. Having him sleep is kind of a cop out.
-pg 73 - Natayla says "like a junkie chasing his next hight". The way you set her character up and the way she has spoken previously makes me question this line. I like the point your making with this line but those exact words just seem off for her. I just don't buy her knowing the American slang term 'junkie.'
-pg 75 - At the bottom you have Hari speaking to Ksawery. If this discussion is in Russian you need to add parentheticals of (in Russian) whenever each character speaks. If that discussion is not in Russian than having Hari repeat it in English to Alex is redundant.
-pg 79-80 - This scene between Alex and Natayla has a very good dynamic. We're finally getting answers why Alex came here, etc, etc. I'd see if you can squeeze anymore from this scene. It seems cut a little short to me.
-pg 89 - I really like that we don't hear what Natayla says to Hari. Nice choice. Staying on Alex here really pays off.
Overall Tim I really don't know what your plans are with this script because it's not commercial in the slightest sense of the word. You're going to have a really hard time not only pitching it to someone but getting interest in Hollywood. It really is for lack of a better term an 'art picture', and it's a great story. I really hope you can find a place for it because it is an interesting story. There are markets for films like this, but with the shrinking independent film space today most of these markets are foreign. So that might be something you want to consider looking into pretty heavily. I don't really know what else to say other than that you made me care about a story I really didn't think I would have, so hopefully I'm wrong and you can find a place for this. Your biggest fight is going to come in the form of getting people to actually read it.
Timmy boy! Awesome work! I like how you start off with a dog and end with a wolf. That is pretty clever! Congrats on being practically done with a few changes here and there!
I want to make a suggestion about the segments of translated Russian dialog. I think it would be best to have a description like "The Doctor says something in Russian/The Doctor speaks in Russian," and then write the dialog coming from Natalya. It makes more sense to me that way since she's the person we're hearing speak the words you're writing. You could even use a paranthetical like "(translating)." Might not be important but these little pieces were a bit confusing to me the way they are now. I hear the Doctor speaking in English when I see his name followed by English dialog.
Is there a standard format for these things? If so, I have no idea.
That's really my only feedback right now, besides the grammar/spelling/typos that are still floating around. This script is very interesting and I hope you can get it produced someday!
I mean I just don't have very much to say when it comes to this script. That and that a lot of what I saw has already been said. Overall it definitely needs to be read over again to fix all of the obvious grammatical errors and stuff, but as for the overall dynamic of the piece, I feel that it is pretty solid and should stay about the same. Maybe to go back and tighten it up a bit more just because it can be a bit lengthy at times, but great job and good progress, just keep it going in the same direction and i think you will have a very good final result overall.
I mean I just don't have very much to say when it comes to this script. That and that a lot of what I saw has already been said. Overall it definitely needs to be read over again and again to fix all of the obvious grammatical errors and stuff, but as for the overall dynamic of the piece, I feel that it is pretty solid and should stay about the same. Maybe just go back and cut it down some more just because it can get a bit lengthy at certain times, but great job and good progress, just keep it going in the same direction and i think you will have a very good final result overall.
page 5: Alexander says (in his speech mentioning hieroglyphics) contextually 4 times within 4 lines....that's a lot of contextual....perhaps another synonym will work :D
page 40: Mary yelling back at Alex "Why are you so eager to cast people from your life?! Do you not want happiness? Connection? Or is it me? You speak as if you programmed my mind yourself - Jesus, what arrogance!" - just a little too "smart" - whilse she may be a hooker, even high class, i feel that her word choice, givin the stress of the situation, is a bit too well, sounds like the writer is just defining who/what he is :)
Pg. 49 "Natalya" needs to be capitalized as it's the first intro to the character. or just deleted as you introduce her later
pg. 52: "The Doctor then nods and says something ack to her." ack=back
pg. 66 "Hari beings to unpack some groceries, with Natalya putting some cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink." beings = begins
pg 84: Alexendre
Over all question, why does he not use a driver? Also, the end is intriguing...why set up the drama to have no follow through? I can somewhat understand that concept of him saving an animal, gaining that "compassion" - emotions- that he may have lost, now regained....but why? Up until the point where she drops "a bomb on him" he has continued his general personalities, why the change?
I dig it, it is a good piece, makes me want to read Alexander's books. But, it gives me more questions!
pg 33 alexander says "and I am sorry for you for you..." I'm sure you want to delete one of those.
ReplyDeletepg 44-45 when the dean asks WHAT alexander will be doing you had alexander answer by simply saying "east." which was a little confusing and I'm not sure if you meant that.
pg 57 natalya "...bother the man while he is he..." Thinking you meant "he is here"
I'll get back with more finishing comments!
pg 60 Hari at bottom of page "I heard them tell me mom that she..." Replace the "me" with "my"
ReplyDeletepg 81 Alexanders second set of lines from the top he says "but but" I'm sure you want to delete one of those.
There are a few more typos usually just a letter or so off throughout the script but other than that I think it is great Tim.
The reveal of Natalya's death was brought on in a great way as I was also becoming suspicious of the two men who always came to her house.
I could feel Alexander's change to a more humane person while he was staying and being cared for by Natalya and Hari and I think his transition from harsh realist to a more human person is great.
Beautiful script overall buddy congratulations!
Alexander was easier to understand after reading the full script. Only suggestion, I kind of wanted to get a bet more conclusion with his relationship with the mother and child (I forget the names). The relationship was developing nicely but it feels a bit cut short. That said the ending with the wolf is awesome and I wouldn't want to see that change. Possible a little more before that scene? Very well written thought. Great job.
ReplyDeletePg 80: "Alexander looks up from cleaning at her" What does this mean?
ReplyDeleteI'll reiterate what Geo said. Some grammar/spelling mistakes, especially from Pg 80 on. You just need to read through and correct those.
Overall: I like it Tim, you have a very unconventional/unhappy ending. We just get that Alex has "grown" to an extent, which I think is perfect. And I like how we don't know if Natalya died or not, as it's not her story. We just get that she and Hari have helped Alex become a better/more caring/less self-absorbed person, which is what I think you were going for.
hey buddy
ReplyDeletewhen eddie says darn right when at the bar didn't sound like his character cause he uses the phrase old lady and it seems like he would say something harder or rougher
page 27-Dave on answering machine saying "the next month and half or so" the or so seems unnecessary
page 34-alex says for you twice when i think it should be once
page 39-During the fight between Mary and Alex they drink wine. While they are fighting you mention alex finishing his drink about four times. When people traditionally pour a glass it has some volume and downing four glasses of wine is alot. It is an action someone would do if it was liquor. Choosing the wine is appropriate for the tone of the scene but it seems unnatural for someone to drink wine like that.
page 57-Natalya "...while he is he" did you mean while he is here?
page 60-Hari "I heard them tell me mom that..." did you mean tell my mom
why did he choose russia?
page 82-Natalya briefly stops his knitting and... I think you mean her knitting
Page 85-I feel like Natalya should say God instead of family as the first thing she lists cause I feel a religious person would always try to put God first so naturally they would name them first.
page 88-Natalya "90/10..opposing" seems like an odd line from her. Maybe if she said "I'd rather not talk/think about it." Maybe instead of answering she pauses and starts her next line with "If things don't turn out well Anzelm and Ksawery and their..."
I enjoyed the content and topics the script discusses. The idea's keep me intrigued to read more. I felt it slowed down alot from when alex first has his accident till about page 75. Time just seems to move on and very little is developed.
I enjoyed his moment on the porch but it did seem like it was a little out of no where. The audience knows he has become unhappy and almost died so that could give reason why someone would be so reflective on life.
When Alex and Hari are star gazing I think this is a good moment for one last thought, idea, theme, or summing up Alex and Hari relationship in the sense that Alex could relate the constellations with some greek mythology and relate it to life. I don't know, it just seems like Alex and Hari build a special bond and it is shown when he explains the compass to her. I fell like you can bring back a similar moment. Maybe it doesn't need to relate to life but rather him just explaining.
Hey Tim-
ReplyDeleteSo I didn't notice a whole lot of change in this draft other than filling in the holes you were missing to get a completed script. You've got all my previous comments on the draft as a whole so I'll focus my comments on the new stuff.
-pg 52 - The doctor/translation scene. Having the doctor speak in Russian that much is going to be A LOT of subtitles. Like an overwhelming amount. If I were you I'd write in the script that 'the doctor speaks in Russian' then physically write out Natayla's dialogue of the translation in English (right now you have it the switched). This way on screen we'd have the doctor speaking in Russian which would ultimately be a background drone and our focus would be on Natayla and what she is saying. Doing this would give the audience a better chance to connect with Natayla.
-pg 63 - Just a minor formatting thing but in the slugline you have "nearly continuous". The proper way to do this is to write "moments later".
-pg 64-65 - Not sure I like having Alexander just go out to the porch and fall asleep. When he was back in the US he blatantly chose to live an isolated life and now for the past few days he's been forced to live with other people. Now that he's alone again either he should be enjoying the alone time or he should be looking for things to do to keep occupied since he 'misses' having personal interaction. I think you need to make a choice here depending on where the character development is and have him DO something that shows this choice, then he hears the howl. Having him sleep is kind of a cop out.
-pg 73 - Natayla says "like a junkie chasing his next hight". The way you set her character up and the way she has spoken previously makes me question this line. I like the point your making with this line but those exact words just seem off for her. I just don't buy her knowing the American slang term 'junkie.'
-pg 75 - At the bottom you have Hari speaking to Ksawery. If this discussion is in Russian you need to add parentheticals of (in Russian) whenever each character speaks. If that discussion is not in Russian than having Hari repeat it in English to Alex is redundant.
-pg 79-80 - This scene between Alex and Natayla has a very good dynamic. We're finally getting answers why Alex came here, etc, etc. I'd see if you can squeeze anymore from this scene. It seems cut a little short to me.
-pg 89 - I really like that we don't hear what Natayla says to Hari. Nice choice. Staying on Alex here really pays off.
Overall Tim I really don't know what your plans are with this script because it's not commercial in the slightest sense of the word. You're going to have a really hard time not only pitching it to someone but getting interest in Hollywood. It really is for lack of a better term an 'art picture', and it's a great story. I really hope you can find a place for it because it is an interesting story. There are markets for films like this, but with the shrinking independent film space today most of these markets are foreign. So that might be something you want to consider looking into pretty heavily. I don't really know what else to say other than that you made me care about a story I really didn't think I would have, so hopefully I'm wrong and you can find a place for this. Your biggest fight is going to come in the form of getting people to actually read it.
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ReplyDeleteTimmy boy! Awesome work! I like how you start off with a dog and end with a wolf. That is pretty clever! Congrats on being practically done with a few changes here and there!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the lateness!
ReplyDeleteI want to make a suggestion about the segments of translated Russian dialog. I think it would be best to have a description like "The Doctor says something in Russian/The Doctor speaks in Russian," and then write the dialog coming from Natalya. It makes more sense to me that way since she's the person we're hearing speak the words you're writing. You could even use a paranthetical like "(translating)." Might not be important but these little pieces were a bit confusing to me the way they are now. I hear the Doctor speaking in English when I see his name followed by English dialog.
Is there a standard format for these things? If so, I have no idea.
That's really my only feedback right now, besides the grammar/spelling/typos that are still floating around. This script is very interesting and I hope you can get it produced someday!
I mean I just don't have very much to say when it comes to this script. That and that a lot of what I saw has already been said. Overall it definitely needs to be read over again to fix all of the obvious grammatical errors and stuff, but as for the overall dynamic of the piece, I feel that it is pretty solid and should stay about the same. Maybe to go back and tighten it up a bit more just because it can be a bit lengthy at times, but great job and good progress, just keep it going in the same direction and i think you will have a very good final result overall.
ReplyDeleteI mean I just don't have very much to say when it comes to this script. That and that a lot of what I saw has already been said. Overall it definitely needs to be read over again and again to fix all of the obvious grammatical errors and stuff, but as for the overall dynamic of the piece, I feel that it is pretty solid and should stay about the same. Maybe just go back and cut it down some more just because it can get a bit lengthy at certain times, but great job and good progress, just keep it going in the same direction and i think you will have a very good final result overall.
ReplyDeletepage 5: Alexander says (in his speech mentioning hieroglyphics) contextually 4 times within 4 lines....that's a lot of contextual....perhaps another synonym will work :D
ReplyDeletepage 40: Mary yelling back at Alex "Why are you so eager to cast people
from your life?! Do you not want happiness? Connection? Or is it me? You speak as if you programmed my mind yourself - Jesus, what arrogance!" - just a little too "smart" - whilse she may be a hooker, even high class, i feel that her word choice, givin the stress of the situation, is a bit too well, sounds like the writer is just defining who/what he is :)
Pg. 49 "Natalya" needs to be capitalized as it's the first intro to the character. or just deleted as you introduce her later
pg. 52: "The Doctor then nods and says something ack to her." ack=back
pg. 66 "Hari beings to unpack some groceries, with Natalya putting some cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink." beings = begins
pg 84: Alexendre
Over all question, why does he not use a driver? Also, the end is intriguing...why set up the drama to have no follow through? I can somewhat understand that concept of him saving an animal, gaining that "compassion" - emotions- that he may have lost, now regained....but why? Up until the point where she drops "a bomb on him" he has continued his general personalities, why the change?
I dig it, it is a good piece, makes me want to read Alexander's books. But, it gives me more questions!