Pg 50 - When the Hotel Receptionist says "Ah youth." That's funny. But do you really want humor in this serious moment?
Pg 53 - Typo with flinch. You spell it "flintch."
Pg 54 - With your whole news footage thing. You can write that in a simpler way that saves space and is more direct. Something like.
CLOSE ON TV --- NEWS FOOTAGE
Magnus (his description) stands outside the front gates of the White House. The news anchor stands off screen and holds the mike up to Magnus.
Pg54-55 I like the whole Magnus thing. It's a great counter to Emma's sadness, because Magnus' attitude is like "Oh, I just saved the world, another day at the office, oh thank you Tim." Life's so simple for him, but not for her.
Pg 57 - Some awesome character development where Milo gets the black eye and what not to stand up for Emma. Really like that.
Pg 59 - When what Milo said is echoing through Emma's head, you need a (V.O.) next to MILO. and again on pg 60 with MILO and DANA echoing through her head...and Magnus on pg 61.
Pg 61 - The whole car accident scene. This is an action scene of sorts so you might want to capitalize some stuff such as CRASHING METAL, PILE-UP, and GROANING MASS, just to make sure the reader really gets into the gravity of the situation.
I'm having second thoughts about the whole car accident scene. If Emma steps out into traffic and causes this massive pile up, wouldn't she be wanted for questioning by the police? Could she just hear cars SWERVING and tires SCREECHING and then Magnus shows up and stops the pile up from ever happening? I might be reading too much into it. This is another opinion but upon reading the line "Would you mind not mentioning to my mother that i caused a major car accident" I felt a little off about it. Wouldn't Emma be feeling guilt if she put people in the hospital? That line doesn't seem appropriate, I think she would feel more remorseful.
Overall: I really like it so far. Emma and Milo's relationship is spot on and you're about to reveal the whole Emma/Sharon/Daniel/Magnus story at an opportune time. So keep writing, I want to see more.
Pg. 42 – How’d Emma open the garage door without anyone in the house noticing? – Should have her exit through the side garage door and have the car parked in the driveway.
Pg. 47 – Dana says “seven origin” – should be “seven original.”
Pg. 51 – “Ah, youth” – Lol.
Pg. 54 – “EMMA Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. Leave me alone, please!” – awkward. I think cutting out the last sentence would help this- when someone is that sad they don’t blurt out like that.
Pg. 58 - MILO No. I didn’t really need it, the damage was already done. I fought him for the prank. For you.” – those last two words are pretty cheesy. The first part already implies it without coming off as cheap.
Pgs. 65-69 – Glad to see some answers here, was just starting to think that the screenplay was plodding along. Good scene.
Overall, aside from what I’ve written, I like what you have so far. The first scene for the 3rd act sets up for a very intriguing finish.
pg 50 - while the 'ah youth' line is funny i think it takes away from the feeling you want to get across in this scene. i'd rethink it.
pg 54 - agree with Eric on simplifying the reporter scene.
pg 56/57 - really nice moment with Milo (after he got beat up). nicely written and the dialogue is great.
pg 59 - agree with Eric you need the V.O. next to Milo's name for that passage.
pg 60 - 'gee i bet that's frustrating'... great line.
pg 61 - gotta agree with Eric and Tim about the car crash. you can get the point across with what Eric suggested.
pg 65 - i don't think you need the 'magnus brought me home mom' line. it comes off a bit cheesy.
pg 66 - wouldn't daniel have some kind of instant reaction to seeing magnus. i think you can really ratchet up the tension in this scene rather than just having emma be a dear in the headlights.
Overall this section is a really nice addition to a really nice piece of work. My biggest/only major concern is that last scene. There's sooooo much rich material between those characters there and I think you've only tapped the surface. I'd focus on that before you progress further. You might discover some things there that could change your progression through act three. Good work.
Pg 50 - When the Hotel Receptionist says "Ah youth." That's funny. But do you really want humor in this serious moment?
ReplyDeletePg 53 - Typo with flinch. You spell it "flintch."
Pg 54 - With your whole news footage thing. You can write that in a simpler way that saves space and is more direct. Something like.
CLOSE ON TV --- NEWS FOOTAGE
Magnus (his description) stands outside the front gates of the White House. The news anchor stands off screen and holds the mike up to Magnus.
Pg54-55
I like the whole Magnus thing. It's a great counter to Emma's sadness, because Magnus' attitude is like "Oh, I just saved the world, another day at the office, oh thank you Tim." Life's so simple for him, but not for her.
Pg 57 - Some awesome character development where Milo gets the black eye and what not to stand up for Emma. Really like that.
Pg 59 - When what Milo said is echoing through Emma's head, you need a (V.O.) next to MILO. and again on pg 60 with MILO and DANA echoing through her head...and Magnus on pg 61.
Pg 61 - The whole car accident scene. This is an action scene of sorts so you might want to capitalize some stuff such as CRASHING METAL, PILE-UP, and GROANING MASS, just to make sure the reader really gets into the gravity of the situation.
I'm having second thoughts about the whole car accident scene. If Emma steps out into traffic and causes this massive pile up, wouldn't she be wanted for questioning by the police? Could she just hear cars SWERVING and tires SCREECHING and then Magnus shows up and stops the pile up from ever happening? I might be reading too much into it. This is another opinion but upon reading the line "Would you mind not mentioning to my mother that i caused a major car accident" I felt a little off about it. Wouldn't Emma be feeling guilt if she put people in the hospital? That line doesn't seem appropriate, I think she would feel more remorseful.
Overall: I really like it so far. Emma and Milo's relationship is spot on and you're about to reveal the whole Emma/Sharon/Daniel/Magnus story at an opportune time. So keep writing, I want to see more.
Pg. 42 – How’d Emma open the garage door without anyone in the house noticing? – Should have her exit through the side garage door and have the car parked in the driveway.
ReplyDeletePg. 47 – Dana says “seven origin” – should be “seven original.”
Pg. 51 – “Ah, youth” – Lol.
Pg. 54 – “EMMA
Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. Leave
me alone, please!” – awkward. I think cutting out the last sentence would help this- when someone is that sad they don’t blurt out like that.
Pg. 58 - MILO
No. I didn’t really need it, the
damage was already done. I fought
him for the prank. For you.” – those last two words are pretty cheesy. The first part already implies it without coming off as cheap.
Pgs. 65-69 – Glad to see some answers here, was just starting to think that the screenplay was plodding along. Good scene.
Overall, aside from what I’ve written, I like what you have so far. The first scene for the 3rd act sets up for a very intriguing finish.
P.S. - I'm with Eric about the car crash scene.
pg 50 - while the 'ah youth' line is funny i think it takes away from the feeling you want to get across in this scene. i'd rethink it.
ReplyDeletepg 54 - agree with Eric on simplifying the reporter scene.
pg 56/57 - really nice moment with Milo (after he got beat up). nicely written and the dialogue is great.
pg 59 - agree with Eric you need the V.O. next to Milo's name for that passage.
pg 60 - 'gee i bet that's frustrating'... great line.
pg 61 - gotta agree with Eric and Tim about the car crash. you can get the point across with what Eric suggested.
pg 65 - i don't think you need the 'magnus brought me home mom' line. it comes off a bit cheesy.
pg 66 - wouldn't daniel have some kind of instant reaction to seeing magnus. i think you can really ratchet up the tension in this scene rather than just having emma be a dear in the headlights.
Overall this section is a really nice addition to a really nice piece of work. My biggest/only major concern is that last scene. There's sooooo much rich material between those characters there and I think you've only tapped the surface. I'd focus on that before you progress further. You might discover some things there that could change your progression through act three. Good work.