Ryan- I really like the quick cuts you have in mind for your film. I can definitely imagine it’s quick rhythm with all the insert shots. Do you plan on having the office scene use such a fast rhythm? I can see this one a little more slowed down, a “breather” if you will.
Question: I reread “Sally is on the phone and sticks out her arm with several small folded pieces of paper with a single crease with a pink one on top” a few times and still don’t quite understand what the action is. Does she have a bunch of post-its stuck to her arm, or is she handing Tyler a stack of letters?
I look forward to seeing the insert montage. I think it will be really effective with the right music.
Pg. 6- “in a trans” = in a trance?
I also think it's cool that Tyler hasn't necessarily broken his routine. To me, your ending shows that if things work out with Sally he could fall into another cycle of repetition. However, I think it serves as a good resolution to your film as he is connecting with another person.
So, the only issue I have when reading this script is that I want to understand why the main character acts the way that he acts in the first place….like how he ended up being this way. Why does he completely ignore Sally’s note at first and just pretends like it never happened? I understand it’s because he is shy and doesn’t really know how to deal with it, but then all of the sudden he completely changes the way that he acts. I’m hoping that the turning point of the character will come through on the screen once it is all finished. I am really looking forward to the montage of sounds creating music!!
My one question about this film is that I wonder if ti is really necessary to have the dialogue for the kid and mom. Maybe it will be stronger without any dialogue since it is without it the whole script. Maybe just a look and the idea of what is going on. I am not saying that you need to take it out but maybe just think of it that way once and see if you like it. THis is my first read of this script and I really enjoy it right off the bat but I was confused until i got to the second montage. But then again that is what happens when things are out of context. I am looking forward to seeing if you can pull off these parallel days and see what kind of emotion comes across.
Page 1 - Kevin McCarthy! That's a cousin of mine sweet!! haha
I can agree or disagree with the fact of whether or not the mother-child dialogue is needed at the end. In a way it is nice because the mother is (at least from a reader's standpoint) obviously changing up her busy schedule for the child and something different, but in the same affect we also have no idea if the mother is always as busy and ritualized as the main character is so it could be just a bad inference. Either way I think it is really interesting and I can't wait to see it on screen!
Ryan, I enjoyed your concept of pacing and melody in this draft. I think in motion you will have something special and your sound design will really help this project shine. I am primarily concerned with your "climax" moment and how it pertains to the whole story. All the routine things in his life force him to find ways to break it, which inevitably lead him to discard his older ways. This is the pattern I gathered from your script. However, one has to ask the question, what happens with Sally, or to the other things in his life? When he gets bored will he drop them just like the rest? I know that is not what you are going for so I think I agree with Miguel that something is amiss here. Somehow we need to believe that this moment he has with that mother and her child forces him to transcend routine. It is a life change, and not a small change. I get the message but I don't feel it yet. Just an idea, but what would it be like if Sally was the catalyst for change in his life. Lets say he calls her earlier, then when they experience life together her interests compete and alter his own. Forcing him out of his usual box. It is just an idea. Take it or leave it. I am excited to see your first cut and I want to hear how you do the melodies. Cheers, JJ
This is still a great idea but something about the main characters transition is still not selling it. I know thats really unfair because I cant really think of anything to say that could help you fix it. One of the defining characters in the story seems to be the girl that he asks out at the end. Maybe she can enlighten him with her attitude in life because she always seems to bring a little bit of joy wherever she goes even though she has overcome some major trauma in her life. She can give him the perspective he needs to make a change. The mother in the park is just not working for me personally.
Music/the beats are an interesting addition to the film.
The Sally character needs to be punched up a bit more, and why is she ignored in the begining? Is the dude constantly gettin asked out? I agree with JJ - I think Sally should either be the catalyst for change or perhaps make the son/mother scene a bit more...life changing.
Meh, take it as is lol, 3 more weeks till shooting, so obviously can't change to much. So just make sure to do it ALL well.
There were a couple grammar errors in here but nothing major. The Mother says "to many things to do" but it should be "too many things." And "trans" should be "trance."
I really like Sally! I agree with everyone else that you should try to get her involved in the catalyst a little more. Maybe after Tyler sees the Mother and Child, (and make sure your actors really sell that scene cos it is WAY internal) he goes back into the office and has a little moment with Sally. They exchange a few lines... he asks her how her day is going, flirts a little bit to lead up to the phone call. Overall, good work. Can't wait to see it!!
I think most of my concerns have been touched on above. I think that it seems as if there is no motivation behind the character arch. I get no sense of why he is changing his routine. Do you think that you can sell his motivation by his expression? If so that isn't expressed to me as the reader. I feel if that is what you want to do then you could write in Tyler's body language better. I think a great performance will totally capture his motivation, but I worry that without one the audience will fail to see why he did what he did.
Besides that there were a couple grammar issues.
P4. INT HOUSE NiGHT - He undresses*
I am excited to see how the montage sequence is edited to the music! How do you plan on doing that? Are you familiar with Michel Gondry? He is a music video directer that edits EXTREMELY well to beat, which I think would be really cool for your montages. One more question then I'll shut up, is the entire film going to be scored or are you going to have the sounds of Tyler's everyday routines? Whatever option you use it will have to keep the audiences attention throughout your film.
D1 √ 3; "...he traditional does." typo 3; what makes him change his pattern to get blueberry; arbitrary is not good i don't think 3; sound of a jam jar? 4; i like the pattern, but when he gets bored with bagel blueberry, which bagel does he choose? what does he do in response to his frustration with his pattern 5; i think you may need a third pattern to give the feeling that he is truly trapped and then have the mother scene - but we need to see him break away from the pattern in some way general; this is extremely style dependent; the formality and rhythm you create with the cinematography and the editing are absolutely critical to the success of the piece. this piece has to play like music i know you don't want to make too many script changes at this point, but i'm wondering about seeing him try to take steps to break out of his pattern with something more than switching his bagel pattern, something like reading a self-help book or listening to a motivational tape, but then, inevitably the pattern reverts back to the old pattern; in other words, we try and try to break our habits, but we keep falling back into the same old patterns; but then something magical happens which allows him to break free. otherwise, i'm not sure there's enough of a point here your inserts have to be extremely formal and disciplined. all of the compositions for on action (i.e. putting the keys in the car) must be EXACTLY the same for each day/round with the exception of wardrobe; and don't get lazy by not changing the wardrobe each time (and possibly lighting because the light would be different each day); but the composition should be rigid; i wouldn't let the camera budge a millimeter
Ryan-
ReplyDeleteI really like the quick cuts you have in mind for your film. I can definitely imagine it’s quick rhythm with all the insert shots. Do you plan on having the office scene use such a fast rhythm? I can see this one a little more slowed down, a “breather” if you will.
Question: I reread “Sally is on the phone and sticks out her arm with several small folded pieces of paper with a single crease with a pink one on top” a few times and still don’t quite understand what the action is. Does she have a bunch of post-its stuck to her arm, or is she handing Tyler a stack of letters?
I look forward to seeing the insert montage. I think it will be really effective with the right music.
Pg. 6- “in a trans” = in a trance?
I also think it's cool that Tyler hasn't necessarily broken his routine. To me, your ending shows that if things work out with Sally he could fall into another cycle of repetition. However, I think it serves as a good resolution to your film as he is connecting with another person.
So, the only issue I have when reading this script is that I want to understand why the main character acts the way that he acts in the first place….like how he ended up being this way. Why does he completely ignore Sally’s note at first and just pretends like it never happened? I understand it’s because he is shy and doesn’t really know how to deal with it, but then all of the sudden he completely changes the way that he acts. I’m hoping that the turning point of the character will come through on the screen once it is all finished. I am really looking forward to the montage of sounds creating music!!
ReplyDeleteMy one question about this film is that I wonder if ti is really necessary to have the dialogue for the kid and mom. Maybe it will be stronger without any dialogue since it is without it the whole script. Maybe just a look and the idea of what is going on. I am not saying that you need to take it out but maybe just think of it that way once and see if you like it. THis is my first read of this script and I really enjoy it right off the bat but I was confused until i got to the second montage. But then again that is what happens when things are out of context. I am looking forward to seeing if you can pull off these parallel days and see what kind of emotion comes across.
ReplyDeleteGood Job.
Hey Ryan!
ReplyDeletePage 1 - Kevin McCarthy! That's a cousin of mine sweet!! haha
I can agree or disagree with the fact of whether or not the mother-child dialogue is needed at the end. In a way it is nice because the mother is (at least from a reader's standpoint) obviously changing up her busy schedule for the child and something different, but in the same affect we also have no idea if the mother is always as busy and ritualized as the main character is so it could be just a bad inference. Either way I think it is really interesting and I can't wait to see it on screen!
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your concept of pacing and melody in this draft. I think in motion you will have something special and your sound design will really help this project shine.
I am primarily concerned with your "climax" moment and how it pertains to the whole story. All the routine things in his life force him to find ways to break it, which inevitably lead him to discard his older ways. This is the pattern I gathered from your script. However, one has to ask the question, what happens with Sally, or to the other things in his life? When he gets bored will he drop them just like the rest? I know that is not what you are going for so I think I agree with Miguel that something is amiss here. Somehow we need to believe that this moment he has with that mother and her child forces him to transcend routine. It is a life change, and not a small change. I get the message but I don't feel it yet.
Just an idea, but what would it be like if Sally was the catalyst for change in his life. Lets say he calls her earlier, then when they experience life together her interests compete and alter his own. Forcing him out of his usual box. It is just an idea. Take it or leave it. I am excited to see your first cut and I want to hear how you do the melodies.
Cheers,
JJ
This is still a great idea but something about the main characters transition is still not selling it. I know thats really unfair because I cant really think of anything to say that could help you fix it. One of the defining characters in the story seems to be the girl that he asks out at the end. Maybe she can enlighten him with her attitude in life because she always seems to bring a little bit of joy wherever she goes even though she has overcome some major trauma in her life. She can give him the perspective he needs to make a change. The mother in the park is just not working for me personally.
ReplyDeleteMusic/the beats are an interesting addition to the film.
ReplyDeleteThe Sally character needs to be punched up a bit more, and why is she ignored in the begining? Is the dude constantly gettin asked out?
I agree with JJ - I think Sally should either be the catalyst for change or perhaps make the son/mother scene a bit more...life changing.
Meh, take it as is lol, 3 more weeks till shooting, so obviously can't change to much. So just make sure to do it ALL well.
P.s. why change from donuts to bagels?
There were a couple grammar errors in here but nothing major. The Mother says "to many things to do" but it should be "too many things." And "trans" should be "trance."
ReplyDeleteI really like Sally! I agree with everyone else that you should try to get her involved in the catalyst a little more. Maybe after Tyler sees the Mother and Child, (and make sure your actors really sell that scene cos it is WAY internal) he goes back into the office and has a little moment with Sally. They exchange a few lines... he asks her how her day is going, flirts a little bit to lead up to the phone call. Overall, good work. Can't wait to see it!!
YOOOO,
ReplyDeleteI think most of my concerns have been touched on above. I think that it seems as if there is no motivation behind the character arch. I get no sense of why he is changing his routine. Do you think that you can sell his motivation by his expression? If so that isn't expressed to me as the reader. I feel if that is what you want to do then you could write in Tyler's body language better. I think a great performance will totally capture his motivation, but I worry that without one the audience will fail to see why he did what he did.
Besides that there were a couple grammar issues.
P4. INT HOUSE NiGHT - He undresses*
I am excited to see how the montage sequence is edited to the music! How do you plan on doing that? Are you familiar with Michel Gondry? He is a music video directer that edits EXTREMELY well to beat, which I think would be really cool for your montages. One more question then I'll shut up, is the entire film going to be scored or are you going to have the sounds of Tyler's everyday routines? Whatever option you use it will have to keep the audiences attention throughout your film.
D1 √
ReplyDelete3; "...he traditional does." typo
3; what makes him change his pattern to get blueberry; arbitrary is not good i don't think
3; sound of a jam jar?
4; i like the pattern, but when he gets bored with bagel blueberry, which bagel does he choose? what does he do in response to his frustration with his pattern
5; i think you may need a third pattern to give the feeling that he is truly trapped and then have the mother scene - but we need to see him break away from the pattern in some way
general; this is extremely style dependent; the formality and rhythm you create with the cinematography and the editing are absolutely critical to the success of the piece. this piece has to play like music
i know you don't want to make too many script changes at this point, but i'm wondering about seeing him try to take steps to break out of his pattern with something more than switching his bagel pattern, something like reading a self-help book or listening to a motivational tape, but then, inevitably the pattern reverts back to the old pattern; in other words, we try and try to break our habits, but we keep falling back into the same old patterns; but then something magical happens which allows him to break free. otherwise, i'm not sure there's enough of a point here
your inserts have to be extremely formal and disciplined. all of the compositions for on action (i.e. putting the keys in the car) must be EXACTLY the same for each day/round with the exception of wardrobe; and don't get lazy by not changing the wardrobe each time (and possibly lighting because the light would be different each day); but the composition should be rigid; i wouldn't let the camera budge a millimeter