Scott, the version of your script is 35 pgs, maybe you uploaded the wrong one, but I'll comment on that one.
Pg 26 - "shopping centers built for the ghosts of a day not yet." - Seems like a poetic sentence, or an unfinished thought. It might need some clarification.
General: You don't really have any DAY/NIGHT differentiations. You probably need to put those in.
Pg 30 -" kicking up dirt in a small devil" - What does this mean?
Overall: Well everything I've read so far works for me. I'll read and comment on the rest. Just get it to us.
The flow and the writing is very strong. I badly want to read this in full. The thought that you put into the characters is noticeable. I really like the way you are building the tension between the "bad guys." Excellent, I just want to read the full story when its done.
Pgs. 26-27 – the dialogue hear comes off as very theatrical rather than realistic- don’t know if you were going for that or not, but it kinda takes one out of the scene, despite the rest of the scenes leading up to it being of the same nature. Pg. 28 – Harlan: “A rectangle ain’t a square Lily, and criminal is a loose term.” These are contradictive statements, not complementary ones. With the former Harland is speaking in black and white and with the latter statement Harland is indicating that things are gray. Pg. 33 - HARLAN * It wouldn’t be right. They’re my * friends Lily. It’s my brother.” – “HE’S my brother” would read/come off better. Pg. 35 – anxious to know what happens to Cid. Overall, you got a nice little story brewin’, just finish it! …btw, the atmosphere and mood of this piece remind me of Coppola’s Rumble Fish – might want to check that out, as its story is also of similar vain.
page 15-Harlan line "What we're doing" i think you mean what were you doing
I enjoyed the dialogue, and like everyone else enjoyed the flow of the story. I know you know the story. Just get the rest on paper, flush it out, that's the first step to finishing.
The thing that I enjoyed most about your project is the linguistic style you chose to write with and the particular words that you use just to describe a particular situation. It really makes the project come alive and you should definitely give yourself props for that because that is a skill, and not something that you can just learn. With that being said, it is obvious that you still have to put in a lot of work into this project, but so far I feel that you are definitely moving in the right direction and that if you stay on track, lots of doors will open for you in the pretty near future.
Scott, the version of your script is 35 pgs, maybe you uploaded the wrong one, but I'll comment on that one.
ReplyDeletePg 26 - "shopping centers built for the ghosts of a day not yet." - Seems like a poetic sentence, or an unfinished thought. It might need some clarification.
General: You don't really have any DAY/NIGHT differentiations. You probably need to put those in.
Pg 30 -" kicking up dirt in a small devil" - What does this mean?
Overall: Well everything I've read so far works for me. I'll read and comment on the rest. Just get it to us.
The flow and the writing is very strong. I badly want to read this in full. The thought that you put into the characters is noticeable. I really like the way you are building the tension between the "bad guys." Excellent, I just want to read the full story when its done.
ReplyDeleteHey Scott,
ReplyDeletepg 5 Cid says "Man, i was. Asleep til five..." I don't feel like you need to separate those with a period.
pg 31 Harlan's second line near the end he says "social worlers" just a little typo for "workers"
I agree with Camiolo I like what I'm reading so far but it's far from complete! I want to know how Cid got up in the tree, and WHY?!?
Hope you are able to finish buddy but good start none the less.
Pgs. 26-27 – the dialogue hear comes off as very theatrical rather than realistic- don’t know if you were going for that or not, but it kinda takes one out of the scene, despite the rest of the scenes leading up to it being of the same nature.
ReplyDeletePg. 28 – Harlan: “A rectangle ain’t a square Lily, and criminal is a loose term.” These are contradictive statements, not complementary ones. With the former Harland is speaking in black and white and with the latter statement Harland is indicating that things are gray.
Pg. 33 - HARLAN *
It wouldn’t be right. They’re my *
friends Lily. It’s my brother.” – “HE’S my brother” would read/come off better.
Pg. 35 – anxious to know what happens to Cid.
Overall, you got a nice little story brewin’, just finish it! …btw, the atmosphere and mood of this piece remind me of Coppola’s Rumble Fish – might want to check that out, as its story is also of similar vain.
vein*
ReplyDeletepage 15-Harlan line "What we're doing" i think you mean what were you doing
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the dialogue, and like everyone else enjoyed the flow of the story. I know you know the story. Just get the rest on paper, flush it out, that's the first step to finishing.
Page 1: There's a lot of nipping and tucking you can do here in the narrative. Also, please oh please with the camera angles...
ReplyDeleteOh, and when you say "commuters" I automatically picture cars, except cars don't sit in the shade. I'm confused.
Page 3: Old rule of thumb I learned: To make a character stronger, have them make statements, not ask questions.
Great stuff on pages 4 and 5 between Harlan and Lily.
Page 7: Dammit Scott, the cell phone GLOWS and SHAKES, not "is glowing and is shaking." passive = bad.
Page 19: A little confused here:
Six ounces of the best. Behind the
toilet in my bedroom. Taped up
underneath the porcelain.
this after she references the aquarium. Don't understand...
"We all have the means in us to do
bad Lily." seems like the theme of your movie... Keep this in the forefront of your mind.
So... Yeah. Definitely want to read the rest of this. You've got a great, crisp writing style here. Keep it up!
Scott awesome work so far! I basically agree with what everyone else is saying. Keep up the great work! I am looking forward to reading the rest
ReplyDelete: )
The thing that I enjoyed most about your project is the linguistic style you chose to write with and the particular words that you use just to describe a particular situation. It really makes the project come alive and you should definitely give yourself props for that because that is a skill, and not something that you can just learn.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said, it is obvious that you still have to put in a lot of work into this project, but so far I feel that you are definitely moving in the right direction and that if you stay on track, lots of doors will open for you in the pretty near future.