Pg. 37 "as Mary looks into a mirror pulled from the purse at herself." Broken sentence. Pg 38 "Mary puts down on her drink on the couch-side table, then stands up." Another broken sentence.
Like your new scene with Mary, add some more disconnect and bastard-like qualities to Alex. But I think you should go over some of the dialogue. At one point, Mary is kind of crying/in a rage, and she says "Do you not have feelings?" At least I think it should be "Don't you have feelings?" The former seems to me like a Lifetime Movie line, but that could be just me, and it's a small thing to fix anyways.
Pg 69 "Alexander looks back over at her, to which she nods down the numerous papers scattered about." Nods down the numerous papers scattered about? What does that mean. Might just be another broken sentence.
You have some typos/grammar errors, example, pg 70 "He stare for a moment."
Pg 73 More Grammar "is subdued by the him not wanting." And "out of bad" should be bed.
Pg 76 - ALEXANDER "Okay...Okay. I will sit outside and watch you explore. I am not in exploring condition." Haha, some very good dialogue.
Pg 81 "Do as your told" should be "Do as you're told."
Overall: New pages are pretty good. The interaction with Alex/Hari and the compass is excellent. I like how you have Natalya just blurt out that she has cancer, no dragging it out. It is what it is. I'd like to see a scene where Alex tries to comfort Natalya and she snaps back at him telling him his lack of faith is insulting to her, who prays everyday to God to save her, that might be cliche though. And I'd like a scene where Alex has to comfort Hari, but you do what you need to. These new pages are very good. Finish this thing.
-just a general note, the entire thing reads A LOT better with the paragraphs broken up. good choice.
-pg. 38 - "alex giving the expression 'what do you mean?' " just doesn't read right. i know what you're trying to say but i think you should pick a different phrase.
-i like the new mary scene. and i'm glad you have her stick up for herself. good choice.
-pg 74 - the scene when Alex wakes up and Natayla is gone, i'm assuming she's at the hospital due to the cancer? my concern here is if she easily went into town to the hospital for the day people might wonder why they didn't easily bring Alex to the hospital when he collapsed. i know you're reasoning for this but you might want to make it more clear in the script. it's as easy as putting in one line of dialogue early on.
-Eric pointed out all the grammatical errors i found so i won't comment on those...
-to go off of Eric's suggestion for 'comforting' scene between Natalya and Alex, Eric you're right that scene should be in there but you're also right that suggestion is a little too cliche. what if you have Natalya say Alex's lack of faith is insulting, he responds along the lines of 'how can you believe in god when he gives you cancer' and Natayla plays the whole 'everything happens for a reason' card. just a suggestion of how that dynamic could play out.
overall good stuff. it's coming together nicely and is a lot easier to read now with your quick fixes. i can't wait to sit down and read the thing from start to finish (your 'gaps' make it a little hard to judge it as a whole right now). good work though.
Pg. 37 "as Mary looks into a mirror pulled from the purse at herself." Broken sentence. Pg 38 "Mary puts down on her drink on the couch-side table, then stands up." Another broken sentence.
ReplyDeleteLike your new scene with Mary, add some more disconnect and bastard-like qualities to Alex. But I think you should go over some of the dialogue. At one point, Mary is kind of crying/in a rage, and she says "Do you not have feelings?" At least I think it should be "Don't you have feelings?" The former seems to me like a Lifetime Movie line, but that could be just me, and it's a small thing to fix anyways.
Pg 69 "Alexander looks back over at her, to which she nods down the
numerous papers scattered about." Nods down the numerous papers scattered about? What does that mean. Might just be another broken sentence.
You have some typos/grammar errors, example, pg 70 "He stare for a moment."
Pg 73 More Grammar "is subdued by the him not wanting." And "out of bad" should be bed.
Pg 76 - ALEXANDER "Okay...Okay. I will sit outside and watch you explore. I am not in exploring condition."
Haha, some very good dialogue.
Pg 81 "Do as your told" should be "Do as you're told."
Overall: New pages are pretty good. The interaction with Alex/Hari and the compass is excellent. I like how you have Natalya just blurt out that she has cancer, no dragging it out. It is what it is. I'd like to see a scene where Alex tries to comfort Natalya and she snaps back at him telling him his lack of faith is insulting to her, who prays everyday to God to save her, that might be cliche though. And I'd like a scene where Alex has to comfort Hari, but you do what you need to. These new pages are very good. Finish this thing.
-just a general note, the entire thing reads A LOT better with the paragraphs broken up. good choice.
ReplyDelete-pg. 38 - "alex giving the expression 'what do you mean?' " just doesn't read right. i know what you're trying to say but i think you should pick a different phrase.
-i like the new mary scene. and i'm glad you have her stick up for herself. good choice.
-pg 74 - the scene when Alex wakes up and Natayla is gone, i'm assuming she's at the hospital due to the cancer? my concern here is if she easily went into town to the hospital for the day people might wonder why they didn't easily bring Alex to the hospital when he collapsed. i know you're reasoning for this but you might want to make it more clear in the script. it's as easy as putting in one line of dialogue early on.
-Eric pointed out all the grammatical errors i found so i won't comment on those...
-to go off of Eric's suggestion for 'comforting' scene between Natalya and Alex, Eric you're right that scene should be in there but you're also right that suggestion is a little too cliche. what if you have Natalya say Alex's lack of faith is insulting, he responds along the lines of 'how can you believe in god when he gives you cancer' and Natayla plays the whole 'everything happens for a reason' card. just a suggestion of how that dynamic could play out.
overall good stuff. it's coming together nicely and is a lot easier to read now with your quick fixes. i can't wait to sit down and read the thing from start to finish (your 'gaps' make it a little hard to judge it as a whole right now). good work though.
Comments by only Mike and Eric, what a surprise...
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