The added relationship with the mother and daughter are beginning to introduce a more human aspect/awakening that I think Alexander needed. It' interesting to see where this is going. Good job.
Pg 40 - What do you mean by a "dark, but brightening sky." I don't really get that.
Pg 41 - You mention photos and picture frames, I know a couple pages later you say Alex couldn't quite make them out, but you might want to put that on this page, because right there I was asking myself "Photos and pictures frames of what?"
Pg 42 - The MAN identifies himself as a physician. Then a paragraph later Alex asks if he was a doctor. If you tell us the man has a stethoscope, I don't think you need to say he's a doctor if Alex just asks two paragraphs later, that might be redundant.
Pg 43 - Interesting moment when Alex asks Natalya her name. She stops but doesn't look back to say it. Why is this?
Pg 45 - Not a hospital within 200 miles? Really? How far and long was he driving? I might consider saying something to the effect of "I don't want to move you in your condition, and an ambulance won't even come out here, the terrain is too harsh."
Pg 45 - Of course they are religious. VERY NICE. Oh, it's going to be great to see how Alex's atheism or whatever it is clashes with these two.
GENERAL NOTE: I've noticed a few grammar errors. For example on page 46 you spell "evil" as "evbil."
Pg 56 - I like how you hint at the wolf here. That's some good foreshadowing.
Pg 57 - Small note. "Can you help me with this heart problem, Jesus? A personal feeling here. I don't think we need to hear him say "Jesus" Seeing the shrine and knowing his aversion to religion I think we get who he is talking to. Adding in "Jesus" kind of makes it seem more like a humorous moment. And I know that is kind of what you are going for. But I think if you play it off as more of a serious moment it will be more meaningful. Alex is joking in asking, but it is a serious question, and at least I think the help is already there (i.e. Natalya and Hari).
Pg 61 - You have that LONG paragraph to end it. I'd strongly suggest breaking that up.
Overall - I like it a lot. You get us into Eastern Europe (or wherever) with some classic Kelvin (drinking like a fish on the plane). Then you let us relish is Kelvin's weakness while allowing us adequate time to get to know Natalya and Hari. Maybe add in a bit where he's lost and does some drinking and driving, just to show us how far he's really fallen. Fix those typos too.
I'm still having a hard time getting through the intense grammar errors in here, especially when they show up within Alexander's dialog. It kinda kills the whole "genius" idea when he says "as I'm well sure you know" (pg 3) rather than "as I'm sure you well know," or mixes up the word "rather" with the word "whether" (pg 6).
Is there any chance you can get someone to proof read for you?
The two sentences I pointed out last Delivery Cycle are still there.
Pg 5: "doing it in the sack" isn't a great euphemism. How about "getting laid" or "bumping uglies" or "making the beast with two backs?" Something witty.
Pg 5: "It's like comparing Mother Theresa to Santa Claus." I don't understand the analogy here. Are you saying Mother Theresa is to Science what Santa Claus is to Religion? Or is it the other way around? Either way, I don't get it.
Pg 6: "finding out new ways of nature" should be something like "discovering new species" or something. I'm not sure what "ways of nature" is supposed to mean. I love the second part of this thought though, "science will never give us something worse than what we presently have." That's great!
Pg 8: Alexander's lecture about emotions is great. There needs to be more dialog like this throughout!
Pg 9: You wrote a parenthetical in the middle of a block of descriptive text. That's not necessary. You can just say "He/She pauses." There are a few instances of this throughout the script but I don't think I need to point them all out to you.
Pg 12: That student presents Alexander with a really great, intelligent argument, and Alexander just dismisses him. I like that, but with the grammar errors in the beginning of the script, I get the impression here that the student is actually smarter than Alexander. Basically, you haven't proven to me that Alexander is a genius, you just said he is one.
Pg 17: The "group therapy" joke goes on a little too long. It's very awkward. I hope that was intentional...
Pg 21/22: I love the interaction with the homeless man.
Pg 23/24: I don't like the interaction with the Hooker. School is NOT free. You should know this, you're a university student.
Pg 25: What book does Alexander take off the shelf? Could be interesting...
Pg 29: Huge blocks of text. I know you mentioned you don't really know how to break these up. It's not an exact science, just pick a moment in the text that feels appropriate (a change in subject or something you want to emphasize to the audience) and start a new paragraph.
Pg 32: It's coming across to me that a bunch of religious students are taking a class taught by a renowned Athiest and that doesn't make sense... instead of "many of the students are turned off by this," I think it should only be "a few." Also I think it could be argued very easily that religious beliefs are a good reason for someone to vote one way or another. It may not be a valid reason, but a lot of people make choices based on their religion. It's just the way it is.
I'm gonna have to stop there for now. I've just tried to point out the major problems I have, and I've skipped over most of the "your/you're" and "there/their" stuff.
Hey Tim, I feel like you're fairly comfortable in the thematic and structural department, and from what I can tell that's where this script is at its strongest. Watching Kelvin fall victim to the emotions he has cut himself off from is great character work from the first act leading up to the midpoint, especially when done in the intellectualized arena reading your script is like watching someone juggle knives.
that are also snakes.
and on fire.
Sarah pointed out some grammatical errors that I noticed too, but to be honest they didn't pull me out so much. But it is the small errors that will work their way into the script and stay there forever, so here's a list of some things that i caught, Fix them while you can!
And also some other points that really have nothing to do with anything...
1. pg 3 "it (is) these walls in which I seek..." or "these (are the) walls in which I seek..."
2. again, pg 3, "the idea of a religous foundation (as) the guiding principle..." instead of "be"
3. This tele interview is much better. For once an actual discussion between faith and reason. wish real life was more like this.
4. pg. 7 "Students pile in.... as the traffic winds down and the students take (their) seats..." instead of "there"
5. pg. 9 sounds like spock.
6. bottom of pg 10, "during the meantime" redundant- "(In) the meantime"
7. During the speech Kelvin gives from 17-18 have you thought about putting in some cues that "all isn't right" for the professor? There's a brief mention to the audio cutting out as he talks- is that a literal cut out? (i didn't think it was) but there may be an opprotunity to begin suggesting subtly his growing distance from others.
8. pg. 24 school is free?! then who the hell do I keep sending these checks to?
9. pg 26 Dave: "if we can just hammer out the next several weeks.." I love this, Dave is awesome.
10. pg. 30, a bit of doble talk: about half way down Kelvin: "... and i'm sorry for you for you"
11. pg 31 is this the plot for the repo men?
12. pg 32, this is the public slip I was looking for before. i guess my other point is moot.
13. on your gap scene on 34- where do you want him to go emotionaly? This is the twist for him in alot of ways, it felt like he was getting angry with his students before, which is exactly what he told them was pointless earlier... When Mary comes to talk with him, is she pretty much breaking up with him? that's what i'm gathering at least: how does he react. stoiclly it seems from the beginning of this sequence, but does he burst out in anger like he starts to in class? or does he wane into apathy? I dunno- just thoughts.
14. pg 36, "moments late(r) the sub-car arrives."
15. there's kind've a wonky exchange between the dean and kelvin on pg. 38. first, DEAN: "what will you being doing" should be "what will you be doing" then right after KELVIN: "East". That actually isn't an answer to the dean's question. This sets up Kelvin's detachment really well, he's not even listening to what other people are saying by this point, but wasn't sure if this was intentional.
16. hmm.. as I keep reading in general this scene feels slightly off. the dean says "reasure me again you won't be leaving the university." maybe instead "tell me again" it feels like he's using words a Dean should use, not words he would use.
anyways, that's what has stuck out for me so far. I'll keep reading and as it comes i'll throw notes to you.
-pg. 39 = Love how you wrote the airplane/whiskey sequence. It's a perfect way to suggest things are going to be quite different for Alexander now.
-pg. 42 = You mention Natayla but have we officially 'met' her in the script yet? Did I miss that or was it not in there the first time we see her?
-pg. 44 = At one point you say the doctor says 'something' then Natayla translates it, but everything else the doctor says you write out fully AND have Natayla translate. I think you should stick to showing the subtitles of everything the doctors and then have Natayla say it or just say the 'doctor says something in Russian' then show what Natayla says for everything. One or the other. Could have just been a slip up on that one piece of dialogue.
-pg. 46 = I like Alexander's reaction to the prayer and I love how you have him playing possum in the bedroom. Nice touch.
-pg. 48 = I like Alexander and Hari's interaction here. It's very subtle but very nicely written.
Other than those things, the typos, and the paragraphs of description I'm really into it now. For whatever reason when Alexander was in America I found myself fighting my way through the script, but with the setting/personal change now this section read a lot easier (even with the large paragraphs). This is probably just a personal opinion so take that with a grain of salt.
The added relationship with the mother and daughter are beginning to introduce a more human aspect/awakening that I think Alexander needed. It' interesting to see where this is going. Good job.
ReplyDeleteTim,
ReplyDeletePg 40 - What do you mean by a "dark, but brightening sky." I don't really get that.
Pg 41 - You mention photos and picture frames, I know a couple pages later you say Alex couldn't quite make them out, but you might want to put that on this page, because right there I was asking myself "Photos and pictures frames of what?"
Pg 42 - The MAN identifies himself as a physician. Then a paragraph later Alex asks if he was a doctor. If you tell us the man has a stethoscope, I don't think you need to say he's a doctor if Alex just asks two paragraphs later, that might be redundant.
Pg 43 - Interesting moment when Alex asks Natalya her name. She stops but doesn't look back to say it. Why is this?
Pg 45 - Not a hospital within 200 miles? Really? How far and long was he driving? I might consider saying something to the effect of "I don't want to move you in your condition, and an ambulance won't even come out here, the terrain is too harsh."
Pg 45 - Of course they are religious. VERY NICE. Oh, it's going to be great to see how Alex's atheism or whatever it is clashes with these two.
GENERAL NOTE: I've noticed a few grammar errors. For example on page 46 you spell "evil" as "evbil."
Pg 56 - I like how you hint at the wolf here. That's some good foreshadowing.
Pg 57 - Small note. "Can you help me with this heart problem, Jesus? A personal feeling here. I don't think we need to hear him say "Jesus" Seeing the shrine and knowing his aversion to religion I think we get who he is talking to. Adding in "Jesus" kind of makes it seem more like a humorous moment. And I know that is kind of what you are going for. But I think if you play it off as more of a serious moment it will be more meaningful. Alex is joking in asking, but it is a serious question, and at least I think the help is already there (i.e. Natalya and Hari).
Pg 61 - You have that LONG paragraph to end it. I'd strongly suggest breaking that up.
Overall - I like it a lot. You get us into Eastern Europe (or wherever) with some classic Kelvin (drinking like a fish on the plane). Then you let us relish is Kelvin's weakness while allowing us adequate time to get to know Natalya and Hari. Maybe add in a bit where he's lost and does some drinking and driving, just to show us how far he's really fallen. Fix those typos too.
I'm still having a hard time getting through the intense grammar errors in here, especially when they show up within Alexander's dialog. It kinda kills the whole "genius" idea when he says "as I'm well sure you know" (pg 3) rather than "as I'm sure you well know," or mixes up the word "rather" with the word "whether" (pg 6).
ReplyDeleteIs there any chance you can get someone to proof read for you?
The two sentences I pointed out last Delivery Cycle are still there.
Pg 5: "doing it in the sack" isn't a great euphemism. How about "getting laid" or "bumping uglies" or "making the beast with two backs?" Something witty.
Pg 5: "It's like comparing Mother Theresa to Santa Claus." I don't understand the analogy here. Are you saying Mother Theresa is to Science what Santa Claus is to Religion? Or is it the other way around? Either way, I don't get it.
Pg 6: "finding out new ways of nature" should be something like "discovering new species" or something. I'm not sure what "ways of nature" is supposed to mean. I love the second part of this thought though, "science will never give us something worse than what we presently have." That's great!
Pg 8: Alexander's lecture about emotions is great. There needs to be more dialog like this throughout!
Pg 9: You wrote a parenthetical in the middle of a block of descriptive text. That's not necessary. You can just say "He/She pauses." There are a few instances of this throughout the script but I don't think I need to point them all out to you.
Pg 12: That student presents Alexander with a really great, intelligent argument, and Alexander just dismisses him. I like that, but with the grammar errors in the beginning of the script, I get the impression here that the student is actually smarter than Alexander. Basically, you haven't proven to me that Alexander is a genius, you just said he is one.
Pg 17: The "group therapy" joke goes on a little too long. It's very awkward. I hope that was intentional...
Pg 21/22: I love the interaction with the homeless man.
Pg 23/24: I don't like the interaction with the Hooker. School is NOT free. You should know this, you're a university student.
Pg 25: What book does Alexander take off the shelf? Could be interesting...
Pg 29: Huge blocks of text. I know you mentioned you don't really know how to break these up. It's not an exact science, just pick a moment in the text that feels appropriate (a change in subject or something you want to emphasize to the audience) and start a new paragraph.
Pg 32: It's coming across to me that a bunch of religious students are taking a class taught by a renowned Athiest and that doesn't make sense... instead of "many of the students are turned off by this," I think it should only be "a few." Also I think it could be argued very easily that religious beliefs are a good reason for someone to vote one way or another. It may not be a valid reason, but a lot of people make choices based on their religion. It's just the way it is.
I'm gonna have to stop there for now. I've just tried to point out the major problems I have, and I've skipped over most of the "your/you're" and "there/their" stuff.
Hey Tim,
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're fairly comfortable in the thematic and structural department, and from what I can tell that's where this script is at its strongest. Watching Kelvin fall victim to the emotions he has cut himself off from is great character work from the first act leading up to the midpoint, especially when done in the intellectualized arena reading your script is like watching someone juggle knives.
that are also snakes.
and on fire.
Sarah pointed out some grammatical errors that I noticed too, but to be honest they didn't pull me out so much. But it is the small errors that will work their way into the script and stay there forever, so here's a list of some things that i caught, Fix them while you can!
And also some other points that really have nothing to do with anything...
1. pg 3 "it (is) these walls in which I seek..." or "these (are the) walls in which I seek..."
2. again, pg 3, "the idea of a religous foundation (as) the guiding principle..." instead of "be"
3. This tele interview is much better. For once an actual discussion between faith and reason. wish real life was more like this.
4. pg. 7 "Students pile in.... as the traffic winds down and the students take (their) seats..." instead of "there"
5. pg. 9 sounds like spock.
6. bottom of pg 10, "during the meantime" redundant- "(In) the meantime"
7. During the speech Kelvin gives from 17-18 have you thought about putting in some cues that "all isn't right" for the professor? There's a brief mention to the audio cutting out as he talks- is that a literal cut out? (i didn't think it was) but there may be an opprotunity to begin suggesting subtly his growing distance from others.
8. pg. 24 school is free?! then who the hell do I keep sending these checks to?
9. pg 26 Dave: "if we can just hammer out the next several weeks.." I love this, Dave is awesome.
10. pg. 30, a bit of doble talk: about half way down Kelvin: "... and i'm sorry for you for you"
11. pg 31 is this the plot for the repo men?
12. pg 32, this is the public slip I was looking for before. i guess my other point is moot.
13. on your gap scene on 34- where do you want him to go emotionaly? This is the twist for him in alot of ways, it felt like he was getting angry with his students before, which is exactly what he told them was pointless earlier... When Mary comes to talk with him, is she pretty much breaking up with him? that's what i'm gathering at least: how does he react. stoiclly it seems from the beginning of this sequence, but does he burst out in anger like he starts to in class? or does he wane into apathy? I dunno- just thoughts.
14. pg 36, "moments late(r) the sub-car arrives."
15. there's kind've a wonky exchange between the dean and kelvin on pg. 38. first,
DEAN: "what will you being doing" should be "what will you be doing" then right after
KELVIN: "East". That actually isn't an answer to the dean's question. This sets up Kelvin's detachment really well, he's not even listening to what other people are saying by this point, but wasn't sure if this was intentional.
16. hmm.. as I keep reading in general this scene feels slightly off. the dean says "reasure me again you won't be leaving the university." maybe instead "tell me again" it feels like he's using words a Dean should use, not words he would use.
anyways, that's what has stuck out for me so far. I'll keep reading and as it comes i'll throw notes to you.
Always,
scott
So here we go...
ReplyDelete-pg. 39 = Love how you wrote the airplane/whiskey sequence. It's a perfect way to suggest things are going to be quite different for Alexander now.
-pg. 42 = You mention Natayla but have we officially 'met' her in the script yet? Did I miss that or was it not in there the first time we see her?
-pg. 44 = At one point you say the doctor says 'something' then Natayla translates it, but everything else the doctor says you write out fully AND have Natayla translate. I think you should stick to showing the subtitles of everything the doctors and then have Natayla say it or just say the 'doctor says something in Russian' then show what Natayla says for everything. One or the other. Could have just been a slip up on that one piece of dialogue.
-pg. 46 = I like Alexander's reaction to the prayer and I love how you have him playing possum in the bedroom. Nice touch.
-pg. 48 = I like Alexander and Hari's interaction here. It's very subtle but very nicely written.
Other than those things, the typos, and the paragraphs of description I'm really into it now. For whatever reason when Alexander was in America I found myself fighting my way through the script, but with the setting/personal change now this section read a lot easier (even with the large paragraphs). This is probably just a personal opinion so take that with a grain of salt.