Hey Brett! I read your script. It was very funny. I am interested to see how it ends. I felt that the pacing was good too. Jess's character might need a bit more unless you plan to lose her later. I don't want to be a grammar nazi but there were a lot of issues with this one. Just a thought. Love the script though and I think it is some funny stuff. Cant wait to read more! See you in class.
Funny stuff here. Some things that didn't hit were the Carson Daly/Rob Zombie thing, and Valerie Bertinelli. Also, you MUST correct that grammar. And I'm all about the too soon jokes, but Haitian Werevolves? Might want to re-think that one.
Upside: Hilarious. I'm all about the Canada jokes, the TV announcer, the Bobcat Goldthwait audio tape, and Mic talking to the wall. I'd like you to up the Canada jokes and show us Al Gore being fed to the zombies. I also want you to add in Taylor Swift getting crushed by truck-o-saurus. There'es nothing like political incorrectness to make people laugh.
Who are Ben and Darryl? Brad's friends I'm assuming. You never make that clear. Your dialogue with SWEET might need a polish, maybe it's just some of the grammar that's messing me up.
OVERALL: VERY GOOD. Write more episodes. Get one animated! I want to see it!!!
P. 1 - "They’re filming movies all the * time, so they make buses drive * around the same block for hours * just for continuity" - great line
P. 11- "aboots" - lol. Like your conveyment of their speech.
- "also I’m pro-abortion" - haha
P 15. - John Madden says 80's glam rock, when before you say its 70's ('73).
- I'm with Eric, there needs to be more clarification/description about Ben and Darryl. We need to get a better idea of who they are and why they are necessary characters.
-I thought your added material expanded upon the original stuff very well, and that overall, you have something very funny here. Looking forward to reading more.
Brett- Wasn’t really digging the filming in LA jokes until the Michael Bay punch-line, then I LOL-ed. I just thought it might be hard for people who know nothing about production to relate until that point. People know what Michael Bay is, they don’t know what continuity is.
There were a LOT of grammar errors and a few missing or incorrect words. I saw at least three instances of a “your” that should have been “you’re.” It’s very distracting and it screws up your comedic timing!
Hey Brett... So obviously the first objective criticism I have is the grammar. I know you probably just wrote to get it all out of you first and didn't go back to reread anything b/c you'll do that later, but it was BAD man. To the point that it made it hard to get through the 18 pages bad. But the fact that the story is SO funny got me through it. The only other objective criticism I have is that a couple of the act breaks need stronger buttons to get the audiences through the commercials. I get what you're going for with the buttons you have now, and all you need to do to fix this is add a character's strong reaction to something that just happened or give a better explanation to what's going on in the scene (i.e. the Carson Daily/Rob Zombie thing).
Now subjectively. It's hard to give comments in this area because most of my subjective criticism comes in the form of your jokes. While I might think a certain joke falls flat, someone else might love it, so take what I say obviously with a grain of salt. First, the filming in LA thing. I totally get what you're going for here and it's one of those funny b/c it probably has some truth to it things but I think the way you have Brad explain what's going on to Mic needs to be more clear and precise to pay off. Same about the Carson Daily thing. I think I get what you're going for (Mic runs in and the audience is supposed to think there are zombies outside b/c of what first comes out of his mouth, but really he's just terrified about the Carson Daily show, if I'm wrong then completely disregard this) but once again I think it falls flat because the writing isn't clear and concise enough to translate the joke. I also think the whole Mic dubbing over the video tape thing comes out of nowhere. Brad's girlfriend asks a question then Mic shows this video that doesn't have anything to do with what she just asked. I think that whatever the video shows needs to be linked to what she said, unless it's supposed to be funny b/c it doesn't at all tie into what she said and in that case I just missed the joke completely. I also think you can add another joke in the Canada sequence where the crew first steps foot on the street of the washed up rockers houses. Something like the design of each house you can totally tell who lived there, etc. I just think you're missing the opportunity to fit in one more low blow. Lastly, I think the Haitian werewolves thing is waaaaaaay too soon. You could make it a 'Twilight' werewolves joke and still have the same effect.
All in all, good work man. Clean up what you've got and make sure the ending lives up to the hype you've created for it thus far haha.
I missed the part with Rob Zombie and Carson...Carson is laughable, I just missed the joke I think, something in the dialogue and/or scene took me out.
Still love the mouthing the dub scene, LOVE IT.
Al Gore joke? Interacial?
The end of the script is rushed...like just a series of jokes that arent very well performed, dialogue is a bit ehh at times, and the whole situation is over the top...which I realize is most of the point of the show, but well it was too convoluted or something. Like in L4D when a Boomer pops on you or you hit a car alarm and get rushed, crazy like that.
Once again, I love your humor and references to pop culture- especially the jokes about LA traffic and Michael Bay’s flaming bus. I really like the idea of the face off to “Ballroom Blitz”. My only suggestion so far would be showing more washed up Canadian icons. How funny would it be to see Celine Dion sitting on a street corner begging for money or Avril Lavigne falling off a skateboard? Great work, can’t wait to see/read the next episode.
Hey all to those who commented and will comment, here is what I should have wrote in my email to the class.
1) Grammar, bad, haven't taken English since 2003, I really need to get it looked at asap along with the pilot script, I just can't see it anymore, so so sorry for that.
2) Ben & Darrell, They come out of nowhere, actually, Darrell is in the pilot (for the most part) and Ben will be introduced in the 2second episode (yet to be written, will talk more about in class)
Yeah man I want to to see what this will look like. I think the humor is pretty funny and I want to read the last part of the script with some excessive and over the top Zombie ass kicking.
Hey Brett! I read your script. It was very funny. I am interested to see how it ends. I felt that the pacing was good too. Jess's character might need a bit more unless you plan to lose her later. I don't want to be a grammar nazi but there were a lot of issues with this one. Just a thought. Love the script though and I think it is some funny stuff. Cant wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteSee you in class.
-JJ
Brett,
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff here. Some things that didn't hit were the Carson Daly/Rob Zombie thing, and Valerie Bertinelli. Also, you MUST correct that grammar. And I'm all about the too soon jokes, but Haitian Werevolves? Might want to re-think that one.
Upside: Hilarious. I'm all about the Canada jokes, the TV announcer, the Bobcat Goldthwait audio tape, and Mic talking to the wall. I'd like you to up the Canada jokes and show us Al Gore being fed to the zombies. I also want you to add in Taylor Swift getting crushed by truck-o-saurus. There'es nothing like political incorrectness to make people laugh.
Who are Ben and Darryl? Brad's friends I'm assuming. You never make that clear. Your dialogue with SWEET might need a polish, maybe it's just some of the grammar that's messing me up.
OVERALL: VERY GOOD. Write more episodes. Get one animated! I want to see it!!!
P. 1 - "They’re filming movies all the *
ReplyDeletetime, so they make buses drive *
around the same block for hours *
just for continuity" - great line
P. 11- "aboots" - lol. Like your conveyment of their speech.
- "also I’m pro-abortion" - haha
P 15. - John Madden says 80's glam rock, when before you say its 70's ('73).
- I'm with Eric, there needs to be more clarification/description about Ben and Darryl. We need to get a better idea of who they are and why they are necessary characters.
-I thought your added material expanded upon the original stuff very well, and that overall, you have something very funny here. Looking forward to reading more.
Brett-
ReplyDeleteWasn’t really digging the filming in LA jokes until the Michael Bay punch-line, then I LOL-ed. I just thought it might be hard for people who know nothing about production to relate until that point. People know what Michael Bay is, they don’t know what continuity is.
There were a LOT of grammar errors and a few missing or incorrect words. I saw at least three instances of a “your” that should have been “you’re.” It’s very distracting and it screws up your comedic timing!
Hey Brett...
ReplyDeleteSo obviously the first objective criticism I have is the grammar. I know you probably just wrote to get it all out of you first and didn't go back to reread anything b/c you'll do that later, but it was BAD man. To the point that it made it hard to get through the 18 pages bad. But the fact that the story is SO funny got me through it. The only other objective criticism I have is that a couple of the act breaks need stronger buttons to get the audiences through the commercials. I get what you're going for with the buttons you have now, and all you need to do to fix this is add a character's strong reaction to something that just happened or give a better explanation to what's going on in the scene (i.e. the Carson Daily/Rob Zombie thing).
Now subjectively. It's hard to give comments in this area because most of my subjective criticism comes in the form of your jokes. While I might think a certain joke falls flat, someone else might love it, so take what I say obviously with a grain of salt. First, the filming in LA thing. I totally get what you're going for here and it's one of those funny b/c it probably has some truth to it things but I think the way you have Brad explain what's going on to Mic needs to be more clear and precise to pay off. Same about the Carson Daily thing. I think I get what you're going for (Mic runs in and the audience is supposed to think there are zombies outside b/c of what first comes out of his mouth, but really he's just terrified about the Carson Daily show, if I'm wrong then completely disregard this) but once again I think it falls flat because the writing isn't clear and concise enough to translate the joke. I also think the whole Mic dubbing over the video tape thing comes out of nowhere. Brad's girlfriend asks a question then Mic shows this video that doesn't have anything to do with what she just asked. I think that whatever the video shows needs to be linked to what she said, unless it's supposed to be funny b/c it doesn't at all tie into what she said and in that case I just missed the joke completely. I also think you can add another joke in the Canada sequence where the crew first steps foot on the street of the washed up rockers houses. Something like the design of each house you can totally tell who lived there, etc. I just think you're missing the opportunity to fit in one more low blow. Lastly, I think the Haitian werewolves thing is waaaaaaay too soon. You could make it a 'Twilight' werewolves joke and still have the same effect.
All in all, good work man. Clean up what you've got and make sure the ending lives up to the hype you've created for it thus far haha.
Lol "also I'm pro-abortion" I dig it.
ReplyDeleteI missed the part with Rob Zombie and Carson...Carson is laughable, I just missed the joke I think, something in the dialogue and/or scene took me out.
Still love the mouthing the dub scene, LOVE IT.
Al Gore joke? Interacial?
The end of the script is rushed...like just a series of jokes that arent very well performed, dialogue is a bit ehh at times, and the whole situation is over the top...which I realize is most of the point of the show, but well it was too convoluted or something. Like in L4D when a Boomer pops on you or you hit a car alarm and get rushed, crazy like that.
yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8)
Once again, I love your humor and references to pop culture- especially the jokes about LA traffic and Michael Bay’s flaming bus. I really like the idea of the face off to “Ballroom Blitz”. My only suggestion so far would be showing more washed up Canadian icons. How funny would it be to see Celine Dion sitting on a street corner begging for money or Avril Lavigne falling off a skateboard? Great work, can’t wait to see/read the next episode.
ReplyDeleteHey all to those who commented and will comment, here is what I should have wrote in my email to the class.
ReplyDelete1) Grammar, bad, haven't taken English since 2003, I really need to get it looked at asap along with the pilot script, I just can't see it anymore, so so sorry for that.
2) Ben & Darrell, They come out of nowhere, actually, Darrell is in the pilot (for the most part) and Ben will be introduced in the 2second episode (yet to be written, will talk more about in class)
3) Carson Daily/Rob Zombie joke, yeah... filler.
4) Grammar, yeah...
-B$
Yeah man I want to to see what this will look like. I think the humor is pretty funny and I want to read the last part of the script with some excessive and over the top Zombie ass kicking.
ReplyDelete