Sarah, Your story is very compelling. You had very few grammatical mistakes as well. I found your story well paced and well structured. Your dialog was also very keen to the characters. Great work overall. I have a few minor things that stuck out in both your draft as well as your outline. On page 25 when Elizabeth Stevens mentions the dissappeared scientist it feels kinda on the nose. Perhaps another dialog choice or possibly cutting it? I can see the necessity for having her speak to Emma simply because it lets the audience know that she knows a little about Emma's past. I dont know maybe I am completely off but that is how I felt. Overall I think I just need to keep reading it. I like your outline and I like that Jackson has powers. Looking forward to more. :) Great work! -JJ
on page 5 Milo says "Have you really given it a chance?" I read "Have you really NEVER given it a chance?" but there was no never....So by saying that did you forget that or meant to not have the never? Pg 7, Pwned....lol I'm a fan of the evolution of the word "owned" just don't really see why using it here as its not necessary, owned would suffice and not have the drawbacks such as miss-communication. Also when Emma says "oh my god" Capitalize :) Same as on pg. 11 ohmygod is 3 words, 1-2 of those words need to be capitalize (pending a religious relationship to the word god).
Again on pg. 11 why does Jordan, a man, ask if Milo is cute? Sounds a bit feminine...unless that's the angle you are goin' for!
Milo is an intriguing character. Shy at first, but when he meets fellow nerd he becomes more confident, which works well, as I know many people that react this way when confronted with others that share a common interest.
Why does Emma look through her dad stuff to begin with?
I LOVE THE NOTE THING, i actually wanted to do something similar for a different project...except with subtitles. lol, which may work for this as well if u do the whole "comic book writing" though that may be overplayed with Heroes and all.
I like the Act 1 so far, and I'll be commenting on the other deliverables when I get back from work!
- P. "25.ELIZABETH STEVENS You aren’t related to that disappeared scientist from years back? - this doesn't ring true to me, even if she was reminded by the word Browning, she wouldn't bring that up imo. Maybe you can get Emma out of there a different way, perhaps she remembering she has to be home for dinner.
- I'm anxious to know Milo's reliable source...However, if Milo and others suspect Mr. Browning to be Magnus', how would Emma not know about this? if anyone knows rumors about someone, it would their family, much more so than outside sources (regardles of how much Sharon has kept the whole thing a secret from her kids, as Emma and jackson would here about it outside of class). I think that Emma has to know the rumors, but just not believe them - that would be more believable then her never not hearing anything about it imo.
- The News Anchor's monologue is a bit tedius and forced, especially when she mentions that she, herself, is "relieved" that Magnus saved the people- Newscasters never refer to theirselves, much less in the first person, so that rang kind of false to me. Taking out the first person and cutting some of the awkward dialogue out (read it out loud) I think would greatly help that scene.
Besides those points, I think you have a very good thing going so far. Love the end to your first act with the student picking up Milo and Emmas messages, good turning point.
First off I gotta say I love how you reworked the final showdown. It has an authenticity to it that it was lacking before all while directly involving ALL of the main characters. Really nice work.
And as far as the actual script itself goes, I really do love what you've got. You've created very REAL characters in what would normally be a SURREAL situation but you've managed to make it believable. I mean the dialogue flows naturally and each character is their own distinct person that totally jumps off the page. This story is really a story about the characters and their relationships, not a superhero story, and you've managed to convey that pitch perfectly.
I've only got a few criticisms/suggestions. Most of which are objective and can be fixed really easily, and only one subjective b/c like I said you've done really great so far with the characters/story.
First objectively. Throughout the script you haven't used ALL CAPS to highlight anything. You need to use caps to distinguish key items, people, and movements in scenes. Any time we first meet a character they have to be in all caps and any time a prop would be needed during filming (i.e. the comic books, the video game controllers, the baby's food) that item needs to be in caps too. It may seem like a small thing but it's really important as far as a script coming off amateur v professional. Luckily it's an easy fix. Second, when you introduce a new character you have to give a quick little blurb of description (i.e. Milo, Milo's mom, Emma's sister, etc.). Once again a quick fix and something that'll be easy for you to do when you go back and put those character names in CAPS when we first meet them. Next, on pg. 17 when we see Emma walking with her earbuds in and then we cut to a fantasy sequence, you need to differentiate the fantasy sequence as a new scene with a new slugline. So you'd talk about seeing Emma walking with the slugline you have then you'd say something like "cut to" and throw in a new slugline for wherever that scene takes place. Then when the fantasy is done you have to do it again when you cut back to Emma in the real world. Another quick format fix but is necessary.
Okay, now my only subjective criticism has already been brought up but it's when Emma first meets Milo's mom. It's the only portion of this first act that the dialogue and writing in general seems forced. It is a very awkward scene for the characters but I think you need to find a way to make it read comfortably for the audience but at the same time have the characters BE noticeably awkward. I think if you just go back and rework that scene it should be an easy fix for you since you've made the other 31 pages so believable and free flowing.
Seriously, really really good stuff. I can't wait to read the rest of it.
SUBJECTIVE: Your new climax is much better and fits very well with your themes. I like how Emma and Milo become even more connected through the tragic events.
FROM THE OUTLINE: The only thing I think you need to add into the new climax is some resolution with Milo's family because right now in your outline Alex is subdued and taken back to the asylum, Milo's mother is nowhere to be found, and then a paragraph later the show ends with Emma and Milo kissing. I think Milo needs to feel some of that grief that Emma has been feeling. Wouldn't he be distraught by the fact that his father just tried to kill his friend's family? I also think Milo's mother should play some part in this finale, such as a scene involving her trying to stop Alex from going over to the Browning house, or her showing up to try and dismantle her husband's rage. And then after all this Emma can convince/calm Milo because she's experienced much of what he has and knows how it feels to an extent. Your film is all about relationships and this tragedy brings those two closer together, but it all ends too easily, in my opinion.
Your news anchor dialogue seems a bit forced, I'll agree with Tim. On one hand I think it should sound more formal but on the other it is a live footage coming in so this anchor isn't reading off a teleprompter. When your anchor says "Oh my God." I just feel that an anchor would not say that, and that he would try to maintain calm, but then again that's your interpretation. I feel the way you wrote this the anchor is falling off his seat in suspense so much so that it's almost a bit comical, which is great, if that's what you are going for. But for my thoughts, I think it should be more formal.
"You aren’t related to that disappeared scientist from years back?" - Like everyone else this is the only scene that doesn't work for me. If you're going to have her ask something like this you need to ease us into it, right now, it is just too blunt. You could have an extended scene where Elizabeth asks questions about Emma's family, recalling the details of Daniel's disappearance in her head as she does and then eventually, but cautiously asking Emma about her father, or something along those lines.
I'll reiterate what Mike said. You need to capitalize important key items and include descriptions of character and sluglines when going from reality to fantasy and then back to reality, but those are easy fixes.
OVERALL: Very well done, you're characters are VERY IMPRESSIVE, if you can work out your resolution I think you'll have no problem delivering a kickass script.
I like how you added a piece of evidence that can possibly lead to revealing that Magnus’s secret identity is based on her father. I feel that this makes it a little bit clearer to an audience and also a little bit smoother throughout the entirety of the story. Good job on clearing up the fact that there was never any direct contact between Magnus and Emma’s father. I really feel that the main character has grown in this draft. The outline really helped break down the film for me, as well. I agree with the fact that your ending now is better then your other one you had before that you said felt kind of generic. It all seems to flow better and also seems to work out better in the end.
Hey sarah! just writing stuff as I read the script here...
On page 5 when Milo says "Wow. Okay. Let me suggest a deal. I will agree to finish reading the Momentum series if YOU agree to start reading the Magnus/Conniver series. " ...I feel like it is a little to sophisticated for his character, being that he has seemed younger and more awkward up to that point, maybe just a little rewording especially for the "let me suggest a deal" line would make it feel more natural to the character.
I like the cliffhanger at the end of act one when one of the other students grabs Milo and Emma's note from the trash, a nice way to keep the suspense for all of us. Other than that I think it is really good, in class we talked about the abruptness of Emma going to the attic but I really didn't read too much into that, but that's just me. Can't wait to read the rest!
D1 √ 5; i love how the kids are sophisticated about there understanding of comics and life (i.e. propoganda) 7; "EMMA Prepare to be pwned." typo 12; not much happens in this scene before the news report; maybe could be shorter 14; this is more directorial, but it might be cool to cut back and forth from Emma watching to the actual event 16; "EMMA It’s just... it’s stupid. I mean, what’s the point of having school uniforms if we’re going to have these grand balls that just negate the equalizing effect? If I wanted to be reminded how everyone here is richer than I am.... well, I wouldn’t need a ball. - some very clever dialogue throughout 17; love the fantasy; touching; wonderful having her wake up in front of her house 21; what happens in this scene with Jackson other than an argument? what can you put in there that is more causal? compare that to this: "10-Emma reads the Magnus comic. -This leads to Emma’s interest in her father’s past." that's from our scene to scene outline! so if that's the important part of the scene they you might not need a page and a half of arriving home and argument; think about applying this sort of thinking to ALL of your script. you must have a good reason to include anything that is extraneous to what you would put in your scene to scene outline i agree with what people were saying about trying to get more in her head as she goes from comic to father to attic; it's close, but feels a little easy or incomplete 23; "One of Milo’s bedroom walls is completely covered in comic books, hanging in plastic protectors pinned to the wall like tiles." -great visual general: you are off to a great start; solid scene to scene outline; solid 20 page outline and solid first act; eager to see the next deliverable
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYour story is very compelling. You had very few grammatical mistakes as well. I found your story well paced and well structured. Your dialog was also very keen to the characters. Great work overall. I have a few minor things that stuck out in both your draft as well as your outline.
On page 25 when Elizabeth Stevens mentions the dissappeared scientist it feels kinda on the nose. Perhaps another dialog choice or possibly cutting it? I can see the necessity for having her speak to Emma simply because it lets the audience know that she knows a little about Emma's past. I dont know maybe I am completely off but that is how I felt. Overall I think I just need to keep reading it. I like your outline and I like that Jackson has powers. Looking forward to more.
:)
Great work!
-JJ
Thanks JJ, I will tweak that scene to see if I can make it feel a bit more natural!
ReplyDeleteSo...uhh....Klaxon?
ReplyDeleteon page 5 Milo says "Have you really given it a chance?" I read "Have you really NEVER given it a chance?" but there was no never....So by saying that did you forget that or meant to not have the never?
Pg 7, Pwned....lol I'm a fan of the evolution of the word "owned" just don't really see why using it here as its not necessary, owned would suffice and not have the drawbacks such as miss-communication.
Also when Emma says "oh my god" Capitalize :) Same as on pg. 11 ohmygod is 3 words, 1-2 of those words need to be capitalize (pending a religious relationship to the word god).
Again on pg. 11 why does Jordan, a man, ask if Milo is cute? Sounds a bit feminine...unless that's the angle you are goin' for!
Milo is an intriguing character. Shy at first, but when he meets fellow nerd he becomes more confident, which works well, as I know many people that react this way when confronted with others that share a common interest.
Why does Emma look through her dad stuff to begin with?
I LOVE THE NOTE THING, i actually wanted to do something similar for a different project...except with subtitles. lol, which may work for this as well if u do the whole "comic book writing" though that may be overplayed with Heroes and all.
I like the Act 1 so far, and I'll be commenting on the other deliverables when I get back from work!
Keep it goin!
- "Klaxon"?
ReplyDelete- P. "25.ELIZABETH STEVENS
You aren’t related to that
disappeared scientist from years
back? - this doesn't ring true to me, even if she was reminded by the word Browning, she wouldn't bring that up imo. Maybe you can get Emma out of there a different way, perhaps she remembering she has to be home for dinner.
- I'm anxious to know Milo's reliable source...However, if Milo and others suspect Mr. Browning to be Magnus', how would Emma not know about this? if anyone knows rumors about someone, it would their family, much more so than outside sources (regardles of how much Sharon has kept the whole thing a secret from her kids, as Emma and jackson would here about it outside of class). I think that Emma has to know the rumors, but just not believe them - that would be more believable then her never not hearing anything about it imo.
- The News Anchor's monologue is a bit tedius and forced, especially when she mentions that she, herself, is "relieved" that Magnus saved the people- Newscasters never refer to theirselves, much less in the first person, so that rang kind of false to me. Taking out the first person and cutting some of the awkward dialogue out (read it out loud) I think would greatly help that scene.
Besides those points, I think you have a very good thing going so far. Love the end to your first act with the student picking up Milo and Emmas messages, good turning point.
Hey Sarah...
ReplyDeleteFirst off I gotta say I love how you reworked the final showdown. It has an authenticity to it that it was lacking before all while directly involving ALL of the main characters. Really nice work.
And as far as the actual script itself goes, I really do love what you've got. You've created very REAL characters in what would normally be a SURREAL situation but you've managed to make it believable. I mean the dialogue flows naturally and each character is their own distinct person that totally jumps off the page. This story is really a story about the characters and their relationships, not a superhero story, and you've managed to convey that pitch perfectly.
I've only got a few criticisms/suggestions. Most of which are objective and can be fixed really easily, and only one subjective b/c like I said you've done really great so far with the characters/story.
First objectively. Throughout the script you haven't used ALL CAPS to highlight anything. You need to use caps to distinguish key items, people, and movements in scenes. Any time we first meet a character they have to be in all caps and any time a prop would be needed during filming (i.e. the comic books, the video game controllers, the baby's food) that item needs to be in caps too. It may seem like a small thing but it's really important as far as a script coming off amateur v professional. Luckily it's an easy fix. Second, when you introduce a new character you have to give a quick little blurb of description (i.e. Milo, Milo's mom, Emma's sister, etc.). Once again a quick fix and something that'll be easy for you to do when you go back and put those character names in CAPS when we first meet them. Next, on pg. 17 when we see Emma walking with her earbuds in and then we cut to a fantasy sequence, you need to differentiate the fantasy sequence as a new scene with a new slugline. So you'd talk about seeing Emma walking with the slugline you have then you'd say something like "cut to" and throw in a new slugline for wherever that scene takes place. Then when the fantasy is done you have to do it again when you cut back to Emma in the real world. Another quick format fix but is necessary.
Okay, now my only subjective criticism has already been brought up but it's when Emma first meets Milo's mom. It's the only portion of this first act that the dialogue and writing in general seems forced. It is a very awkward scene for the characters but I think you need to find a way to make it read comfortably for the audience but at the same time have the characters BE noticeably awkward. I think if you just go back and rework that scene it should be an easy fix for you since you've made the other 31 pages so believable and free flowing.
Seriously, really really good stuff. I can't wait to read the rest of it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSUBJECTIVE: Your new climax is much better and fits very well with your themes. I like how Emma and Milo become even more connected through the tragic events.
ReplyDeleteFROM THE OUTLINE: The only thing I think you need to add into the new climax is some resolution with Milo's family because right now in your outline Alex is subdued and taken back to the asylum, Milo's mother is nowhere to be found, and then a paragraph later the show ends with Emma and Milo kissing. I think Milo needs to feel some of that grief that Emma has been feeling. Wouldn't he be distraught by the fact that his father just tried to kill his friend's family? I also think Milo's mother should play some part in this finale, such as a scene involving her trying to stop Alex from going over to the Browning house, or her showing up to try and dismantle her husband's rage. And then after all this Emma can convince/calm Milo because she's experienced much of what he has and knows how it feels to an extent. Your film is all about relationships and this tragedy brings those two closer together, but it all ends too easily, in my opinion.
Your news anchor dialogue seems a bit forced, I'll agree with Tim. On one hand I think it should sound more formal but on the other it is a live footage coming in so this anchor isn't reading off a teleprompter. When your anchor says "Oh my God." I just feel that an anchor would not say that, and that he would try to maintain calm, but then again that's your interpretation. I feel the way you wrote this the anchor is falling off his seat in suspense so much so that it's almost a bit comical, which is great, if that's what you are going for. But for my thoughts, I think it should be more formal.
"You aren’t related to that
disappeared scientist from years
back?" - Like everyone else this is the only scene that doesn't work for me. If you're going to have her ask something like this you need to ease us into it, right now, it is just too blunt. You could have an extended scene where Elizabeth asks questions about Emma's family, recalling the details of Daniel's disappearance in her head as she does and then eventually, but cautiously asking Emma about her father, or something along those lines.
I'll reiterate what Mike said. You need to capitalize important key items and include descriptions of character and sluglines when going from reality to fantasy and then back to reality, but those are easy fixes.
OVERALL: Very well done, you're characters are VERY IMPRESSIVE, if you can work out your resolution I think you'll have no problem delivering a kickass script.
I like how you added a piece of evidence that can possibly lead to revealing that Magnus’s secret identity is based on her father. I feel that this makes it a little bit clearer to an audience and also a little bit smoother throughout the entirety of the story.
ReplyDeleteGood job on clearing up the fact that there was never any direct contact between Magnus and Emma’s father.
I really feel that the main character has grown in this draft. The outline really helped break down the film for me, as well.
I agree with the fact that your ending now is better then your other one you had before that you said felt kind of generic. It all seems to flow better and also seems to work out better in the end.
The story is great. I love and relate to the tow kids and their comic book obsession. It reads well and I cant wait to see where this goes. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHey sarah! just writing stuff as I read the script here...
ReplyDeleteOn page 5 when Milo says "Wow. Okay. Let me suggest a
deal. I will agree to finish
reading the Momentum series if YOU
agree to start reading the
Magnus/Conniver series. " ...I feel like it is a little to sophisticated for his character, being that he has seemed younger and more awkward up to that point, maybe just a little rewording especially for the "let me suggest a deal" line would make it feel more natural to the character.
I like the cliffhanger at the end of act one when one of the other students grabs Milo and Emma's note from the trash, a nice way to keep the suspense for all of us. Other than that I think it is really good, in class we talked about the abruptness of Emma going to the attic but I really didn't read too much into that, but that's just me. Can't wait to read the rest!
D1 √
ReplyDelete5; i love how the kids are sophisticated about there understanding of comics and life (i.e. propoganda)
7; "EMMA Prepare to be pwned." typo
12; not much happens in this scene before the news report; maybe could be shorter
14; this is more directorial, but it might be cool to cut back and forth from Emma watching to the actual event
16; "EMMA It’s just... it’s stupid. I mean, what’s the point of having school uniforms if we’re going to have these grand balls that just negate the equalizing effect? If I wanted to be reminded how everyone here is richer than I am.... well, I wouldn’t need a ball.
- some very clever dialogue throughout
17; love the fantasy; touching; wonderful having her wake up in front of her house
21; what happens in this scene with Jackson other than an argument? what can you put in there that is more causal?
compare that to this:
"10-Emma reads the Magnus comic.
-This leads to Emma’s interest in her father’s past."
that's from our scene to scene outline! so if that's the important part of the scene they you might not need a page and a half of arriving home and argument; think about applying this sort of thinking to ALL of your script. you must have a good reason to include anything that is extraneous to what you would put in your scene to scene outline
i agree with what people were saying about trying to get more in her head as she goes from comic to father to attic; it's close, but feels a little easy or incomplete
23; "One of Milo’s bedroom walls is completely covered in comic books, hanging in plastic protectors pinned to the wall like tiles."
-great visual
general: you are off to a great start; solid scene to scene outline; solid 20 page outline and solid first act; eager to see the next deliverable