Hey Matt. Ok, so your script is off to a great start. I think you have set up a good situation and your characters feel pretty strong. From the note you gave us I think you are hitting your marks pretty well. I have a few things I would like to mention. Strictly from an objective screenwriting point of view, I would recommend going through your script and removing all of your screen direction notes. I think that having these things in mind is incredibly useful, and you should know these things, but reading them in a script format totally threw me out of the experience. Usually screen directions and camera notes should be really limited when placed in a script, and should only be used when the story requires it. Stuff like the split screen at the end is the kind of stuff you put in, however, who is sitting where at the dinner table and its pertinence to the camera is superfluous information. On that note it is really good that you know these things ahead of time. It will make your life a lot easier when you go to make a shooting script and scene layout. My next notes have to do with time issues. Time passes when we stay with Ashley in her room, and when she leaves, apparently Beth is still reading at 2 in the morning. It gets a little confusing in there as to how much time has passed because nothing changed with the characters. I like that Dinner represents a moment in time where all your characters interact, and thus, every other moment lies a disconnect between the children and parents. I think it is a strong idea. I am a little concerned however with the dramatic arc. In the story nothing really changes between the world and it's characters. I think that could be some good food for thought. Please dont take my thoughts as negative crits or anything. I think your project has an incredibly strong voice. It is also very visual and I like the quiet kind of intensity you have going on. Talk to you in class.
Pg. 2-3- I think you should add in a scene where Larry is having sex with a random woman to show how he is having an affair.
Pg. 4- "While I am in gone for the weekend" Typo!!
Pg. 5- "then why did we go?" I was a little confused because at first I thought Nick meant like why did we leave the funeral when you are trying to say why did we even attend. I know "Why did we attend" is too proper, but maybe you can say "Why did we even go to the funeral then?" instead so that line is a little more clearer.
Pg. 8 - I think it is a little weird that the dad is not even worried about AShley driving out of the driveway. And how the mom just goes back to bed.
Overall, I really like the idea of having what appears to be a happy, loving family at the beginning sitting at the dinning room table, and then as the story progresses you show how problematic this family truly is. I like how you have a the daughter being bulimic and the son a drug addict, but I think you should not only show the parents unhappy but screwed up as well. You can do this by adding the scene where it is obvious that the husband is having an affair, and you could some how show that the mom is aware of this affair but not willing to do anything about it. Or something on this line. Keep up the great work!
I also have to agree with everything JJ on the shot descritions. It is ok for specific shots "inserts" and your spilt shots but everything else isn't neccessary to read at this stage however the way you did describe your shots sound like excellent ways of deleivering your scene.
I really enjoyed the opening dinner and the cuts. It was very ice berg theroy showing the problems in the family when everything looks nice on the surface.
Is the father having an affair? If so i totally missed that. If that is true I strongly recommend courtney's advice about a quick cut off him having sex and a cut for the wife. Because as of now you have these moment with the kids which works out great but it feels like your trying to go for this secret tension in all their lives and thats why I think it would be great if each character has their own moment.
I also felt like from after the dinner till the next morning that the story slowed down and dragged a little, I became less interested. I want to say it was because everything the characters said or did kinda became expected and a character arch plateaued. Which is great for the endding of your film. I think it could just be tightened up.
Matt- You’re off to a good start. I love how the parents think Ashley’s the one with the most issues, yet Nick’s getting into more trouble. I really like what you’ve done with time here. The Ashley vomiting cutaway and Nick acid dropping/screaming “I hate you” fantasies are really cool.
I’d like to see the parents have some sort of issue. I like Courtney's suggestion about the mother being oblivious to the father's affair.
I like the visual effects you describe for the basement scene while the kids are dropping acid. I look forward to hearing about how you plan on filming it.
On pg. 10, Nick’s line “That wasn’t the first time, I know what I’m doing?” may be a typo. Do you mean for him to say, “I know what I’m doing” with a trace of doubt? I’d picture him being a little defensive/angry as Ashley joins him in the tube, then Ashley manages to calm him down.
I love the screen splits! I think it serves your screenplay very well.
Wow, pretty interesting having the toilets point of view when Ashley is going to be throwing up in it. Can’t wait to see how that turns out!
My only issue was the fact that the husband doesn’t tell his wife that he is going to be leaving for New York as soon as he would find this information out. It just seems a bit unrealistic, but if you are trying to make this character seem kind of inconsiderate and removed then this would work.
Why is the mother excited when she finds her daughter sneaking out at 2 in the morning? Haha, seemed like an odd description to me.
I really like the single screen that turns into a split screen and then into a third screen shot. Sounds cool.
Really cool writing as well. What I took away from this script is that family, even though everything seems to be normal on the outside, if you take a closer look, things are usually never the way that they seem on the inside. Also, American Beauty is a great example for this script as well! Good job and keep it up!
I really dig the awkwardness of the dinner and how the family seems on edge, at least I was feeling tense almost waiting for a bomb to go off while they were eating.
Below will be minor things that I will just comment on as I read so if I make some kind of prediction and something is totally different once I read further just disregard it haha.
Page 5: LARRY "You've been awfully quiet Beth" This seems a little odd to me in the way that he refers to her by name at a family dinner. All families are different and it almost seems like this couple may not be a "honey, sweetie" type of couple so you can either keep that or maybe have him refer to her as honey or something.
Page 12: When the kids talk about how their parents have always seemed strained, pretty much negates my last point so keep that dialogue it totally fits.
This seems totally depressing, but I think you've got a great script, especially when you put the factor together that you haven't gone through 4 or 5 drafts like we all did last semester. Great work though buddy, welcome to the club.
The character interactions are really good here. I also really liked the relationship between the brother and sister a lot I wasn't expecting that kind of connection between the tow and frankly I need more of is a reader. There just needs to be some sort of conflict and there is a glimpse of that conflict. If I have it right the brother and sister are left alone much of the time because of the father being away. But i wanted to know why the sister is sick and why the brother it taking drugs at 15. Also how do they overcome it? What exactly are they overcoming? Are hey in self distruct mode and trying to get their fathers attention? You have a fantastic build here though.
so i totally dig the stylized feel you're giving to this project. it's gonna be what separates it from any other "family drama" people see and in turn what makes it worth watching as a viewer. while in most cases i would agree with JJ about the camera directions, etc in a screenplay i think it's okay in your case. in a normal script these would be left out but you're so close to shooting that this is more or less your shooting script where this type of camera direction is left in. i do have a problem with some of your formatting (i'm kind of a stickler for that shit since i'm a writer) but if you've already got your cast and crew attached and ready to go i think you've got bigger things to worry about than formatting of a script.
so here come my concerns. right now i'm not sure whose story this is. is it the kids story? if so then you're right on giving them the cutaways (i.e. the daughter throwing up, the son's internal outburst). but if it is their story i think you spend way too much time with the parents' dialogue in bed that night. is it the entire family's story? if that's the case then i think you need to give both the mom and dad a cutaway during the dinner sequence. that way we're equally focused on everyone in the family's issues and you can keep the parents' dialogue in the bedroom because i think that's really necessary for this story (fyi i thought i picked up on the dad having an affair like said above so this would be one easy insert for the parents. and maybe their both having affairs and you can have matching cutaways in a split screen of their affairs. just a thought). but once you figure this out and incorporate that decision into the script i think you'll be on your way.
oh, also, i think you need a few lines of dialogue at the breakfast table at the end of the script. i'm all for slice of life movies that explore the characters rather than a particular event in their lives (which your story is) but i think you need SOMETHING at the end to fully wrap up this depiction of their lives. right now it just kind of ends, but i think if you trow something in during this scene that signifies 'hey this is the end of what you're seeing with these people' it will strengthen the story.
overall nice work. your characters are strong and feel real which balances nicely with the stylized stuff we'll see on screen.
ps- on page 6 you've got the mother asking when the father will be back from Rockford? i thought he was going to New York? did i miss something?
Hey Matt, first off great work on the script, it has an American Beauty quality to it that really captures certain elements of suburban life. I really like the interjections during the diner sequences- definitely get a sense of pacing during that scene.
It seems like you don't want to completely give a rounded ending to each of the characters- there's a sense of continuity to the end of the script... the end is just the beginning of another day and nothing has really changed. And in some ways suburban life is exactly like that.
If that's the point you're trying to make though, maybe give alittle more direction to it- do any of the family members recognize that they're in a weird loop of disinterest and apathy? When the two siblings come down the stairs at the end is there more significance to the look they give each other? Just some suggestions.
Another thing, I really really hope you show the younger brother's acid trip through visualizations. If you don't those sections with him tripping balls I think are really great. Hilarious. Those will be some fun performances from the siblings to say the least. Here's a link to a video you've probably seen before... but if you haven't its a computer generated interpretation added to the audio track of a guy sitting in a closet on acid.
Sorry a bit late, had to read the script a couple times, and ugh whatev late comment.
This has a natural feel to it, as if it happend to you or someone close, and agreed with Scott has that "American Beauty" quality.
That said...the story is cut short. It's like you built tension for no release. Like the father and mother "tell" each other that they love each other instead of feeling it, and the kids each have their own issues, but none are shown. Now if that is the point of the film in a "we all have issues" kind of way, then why show it, what is the point of it being shown. You've got the conflict, just lacks a resolution.
Good job with getting on the train of Collis class. Hopefully you won't have to change too much on the script considering you shoot in 3 weeks.
D1 √ The family is eating dinner. Light music is playing in the background. The camera slow dolly towards the father, who sits in the center of the frame. The credits begin to roll. The mother is camera left, Ashley is camera right, and Nick across from his father. - lots of unneeded screen direction 2; should we know whose funeral it was by now? 2; is Ashley vomiting in response to the music? 4; "The walls seem to separate at the seams." How will you do this? Also watch out for the screen direction right after 6; "Ashley is smoking a cigarette out of her window. Soft music is playing in the background. She notices Nick with a backpack in hand running towards a pickup truck. He jumps in and they speed off. She flicks the cigarette out, turns off her light and lays in bed but does not close her eyes." -night ext; TALK TO CLASS ABOUT THIS 10; I don't know if i'm buying mom laughing at the moment; would be hard for ANY parent to laugh under these circumstances, but particularly her because she was so worried and uptight (especially relative to husband) 11; i'm not getting the the parents are pissed off; spell out where we are supposed to see/feel that general; i think there is some work to be done here; i like the world you've created and it feels pretty real; but i'm not quite sure what this is about thematically or narratively; the journal will help you a lot.
Hey Matt.
ReplyDeleteOk, so your script is off to a great start. I think you have set up a good situation and your characters feel pretty strong. From the note you gave us I think you are hitting your marks pretty well. I have a few things I would like to mention.
Strictly from an objective screenwriting point of view, I would recommend going through your script and removing all of your screen direction notes. I think that having these things in mind is incredibly useful, and you should know these things, but reading them in a script format totally threw me out of the experience. Usually screen directions and camera notes should be really limited when placed in a script, and should only be used when the story requires it. Stuff like the split screen at the end is the kind of stuff you put in, however, who is sitting where at the dinner table and its pertinence to the camera is superfluous information. On that note it is really good that you know these things ahead of time. It will make your life a lot easier when you go to make a shooting script and scene layout.
My next notes have to do with time issues. Time passes when we stay with Ashley in her room, and when she leaves, apparently Beth is still reading at 2 in the morning. It gets a little confusing in there as to how much time has passed because nothing changed with the characters.
I like that Dinner represents a moment in time where all your characters interact, and thus, every other moment lies a disconnect between the children and parents. I think it is a strong idea. I am a little concerned however with the dramatic arc. In the story nothing really changes between the world and it's characters. I think that could be some good food for thought.
Please dont take my thoughts as negative crits or anything. I think your project has an incredibly strong voice. It is also very visual and I like the quiet kind of intensity you have going on. Talk to you in class.
Cheers,
JJ
Pg. 2-3- I think you should add in a scene where Larry is having sex with a random woman to show how he is having an affair.
ReplyDeletePg. 4- "While I am in gone for the weekend" Typo!!
Pg. 5- "then why did we go?" I was a little confused because at first I thought Nick meant like why did we leave the funeral when you are trying to say why did we even attend. I know "Why did we attend" is too proper, but maybe you can say "Why did we even go to the funeral then?" instead so that line is a little more clearer.
Pg. 8 - I think it is a little weird that the dad is not even worried about AShley driving out of the driveway. And how the mom just goes back to bed.
Overall, I really like the idea of having what appears to be a happy, loving family at the beginning sitting at the dinning room table, and then as the story progresses you show how problematic this family truly is. I like how you have a the daughter being bulimic and the son a drug addict, but I think you should not only show the parents unhappy but screwed up as well. You can do this by adding the scene where it is obvious that the husband is having an affair, and you could some how show that the mom is aware of this affair but not willing to do anything about it. Or something on this line. Keep up the great work!
I also have to agree with everything JJ on the shot descritions. It is ok for specific shots "inserts" and your spilt shots but everything else isn't neccessary to read at this stage however the way you did describe your shots sound like excellent ways of deleivering your scene.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the opening dinner and the cuts. It was very ice berg theroy showing the problems in the family when everything looks nice on the surface.
Is the father having an affair? If so i totally missed that. If that is true I strongly recommend courtney's advice about a quick cut off him having sex and a cut for the wife. Because as of now you have these moment with the kids which works out great but it feels like your trying to go for this secret tension in all their lives and thats why I think it would be great if each character has their own moment.
I also felt like from after the dinner till the next morning that the story slowed down and dragged a little, I became less interested. I want to say it was because everything the characters said or did kinda became expected and a character arch plateaued. Which is great for the endding of your film. I think it could just be tightened up.
Matt-
ReplyDeleteYou’re off to a good start. I love how the parents think Ashley’s the one with the most issues, yet Nick’s getting into more trouble. I really like what you’ve done with time here. The Ashley vomiting cutaway and Nick acid dropping/screaming “I hate you” fantasies are really cool.
I’d like to see the parents have some sort of issue. I like Courtney's suggestion about the mother being oblivious to the father's affair.
I like the visual effects you describe for the basement scene while the kids are dropping acid. I look forward to hearing about how you plan on filming it.
On pg. 10, Nick’s line “That wasn’t the first time, I know what I’m doing?” may be a typo. Do you mean for him to say, “I know what I’m doing” with a trace of doubt? I’d picture him being a little defensive/angry as Ashley joins him in the tube, then Ashley manages to calm him down.
I love the screen splits! I think it serves your screenplay very well.
Wow, pretty interesting having the toilets point of view when Ashley is going to be throwing up in it. Can’t wait to see how that turns out!
ReplyDeleteMy only issue was the fact that the husband doesn’t tell his wife that he is going to be leaving for New York as soon as he would find this information out. It just seems a bit unrealistic, but if you are trying to make this character seem kind of inconsiderate and removed then this would work.
Why is the mother excited when she finds her daughter sneaking out at 2 in the morning? Haha, seemed like an odd description to me.
I really like the single screen that turns into a split screen and then into a third screen shot. Sounds cool.
Really cool writing as well. What I took away from this script is that family, even though everything seems to be normal on the outside, if you take a closer look, things are usually never the way that they seem on the inside. Also, American Beauty is a great example for this script as well! Good job and keep it up!
Hey Matt!
ReplyDeleteI really dig the awkwardness of the dinner and how the family seems on edge, at least I was feeling tense almost waiting for a bomb to go off while they were eating.
Below will be minor things that I will just comment on as I read so if I make some kind of prediction and something is totally different once I read further just disregard it haha.
Page 5: LARRY "You've been awfully quiet Beth" This seems a little odd to me in the way that he refers to her by name at a family dinner. All families are different and it almost seems like this couple may not be a "honey, sweetie" type of couple so you can either keep that or maybe have him refer to her as honey or something.
Page 12: When the kids talk about how their parents have always seemed strained, pretty much negates my last point so keep that dialogue it totally fits.
This seems totally depressing, but I think you've got a great script, especially when you put the factor together that you haven't gone through 4 or 5 drafts like we all did last semester. Great work though buddy, welcome to the club.
The character interactions are really good here. I also really liked the relationship between the brother and sister a lot I wasn't expecting that kind of connection between the tow and frankly I need more of is a reader. There just needs to be some sort of conflict and there is a glimpse of that conflict. If I have it right the brother and sister are left alone much of the time because of the father being away. But i wanted to know why the sister is sick and why the brother it taking drugs at 15. Also how do they overcome it? What exactly are they overcoming? Are hey in self distruct mode and trying to get their fathers attention? You have a fantastic build here though.
ReplyDeletehey matt...
ReplyDeleteso i totally dig the stylized feel you're giving to this project. it's gonna be what separates it from any other "family drama" people see and in turn what makes it worth watching as a viewer. while in most cases i would agree with JJ about the camera directions, etc in a screenplay i think it's okay in your case. in a normal script these would be left out but you're so close to shooting that this is more or less your shooting script where this type of camera direction is left in. i do have a problem with some of your formatting (i'm kind of a stickler for that shit since i'm a writer) but if you've already got your cast and crew attached and ready to go i think you've got bigger things to worry about than formatting of a script.
so here come my concerns. right now i'm not sure whose story this is. is it the kids story? if so then you're right on giving them the cutaways (i.e. the daughter throwing up, the son's internal outburst). but if it is their story i think you spend way too much time with the parents' dialogue in bed that night. is it the entire family's story? if that's the case then i think you need to give both the mom and dad a cutaway during the dinner sequence. that way we're equally focused on everyone in the family's issues and you can keep the parents' dialogue in the bedroom because i think that's really necessary for this story (fyi i thought i picked up on the dad having an affair like said above so this would be one easy insert for the parents. and maybe their both having affairs and you can have matching cutaways in a split screen of their affairs. just a thought). but once you figure this out and incorporate that decision into the script i think you'll be on your way.
oh, also, i think you need a few lines of dialogue at the breakfast table at the end of the script. i'm all for slice of life movies that explore the characters rather than a particular event in their lives (which your story is) but i think you need SOMETHING at the end to fully wrap up this depiction of their lives. right now it just kind of ends, but i think if you trow something in during this scene that signifies 'hey this is the end of what you're seeing with these people' it will strengthen the story.
overall nice work. your characters are strong and feel real which balances nicely with the stylized stuff we'll see on screen.
ps- on page 6 you've got the mother asking when the father will be back from Rockford? i thought he was going to New York? did i miss something?
Hey Matt, first off great work on the script, it has an American Beauty quality to it that really captures certain elements of suburban life. I really like the interjections during the diner sequences- definitely get a sense of pacing during that scene.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you don't want to completely give a rounded ending to each of the characters- there's a sense of continuity to the end of the script... the end is just the beginning of another day and nothing has really changed. And in some ways suburban life is exactly like that.
If that's the point you're trying to make though, maybe give alittle more direction to it- do any of the family members recognize that they're in a weird loop of disinterest and apathy? When the two siblings come down the stairs at the end is there more significance to the look they give each other? Just some suggestions.
Another thing, I really really hope you show the younger brother's acid trip through visualizations. If you don't those sections with him tripping balls I think are really great. Hilarious. Those will be some fun performances from the siblings to say the least. Here's a link to a video you've probably seen before... but if you haven't its a computer generated interpretation added to the audio track of a guy sitting in a closet on acid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_kqWwC67cI
Sorry a bit late, had to read the script a couple times, and ugh whatev late comment.
ReplyDeleteThis has a natural feel to it, as if it happend to you or someone close, and agreed with Scott has that "American Beauty" quality.
That said...the story is cut short. It's like you built tension for no release. Like the father and mother "tell" each other that they love each other instead of feeling it, and the kids each have their own issues, but none are shown. Now if that is the point of the film in a "we all have issues" kind of way, then why show it, what is the point of it being shown. You've got the conflict, just lacks a resolution.
Good job with getting on the train of Collis class. Hopefully you won't have to change too much on the script considering you shoot in 3 weeks.
D1 √
ReplyDeleteThe family is eating dinner. Light music is playing in the background. The camera slow dolly towards the father, who sits in the center of the frame. The credits begin to roll. The mother is camera left, Ashley is camera right, and Nick across from his father.
- lots of unneeded screen direction
2; should we know whose funeral it was by now?
2; is Ashley vomiting in response to the music?
4; "The walls seem to separate at the seams." How will you do this? Also watch out for the screen direction right after
6; "Ashley is smoking a cigarette out of her window. Soft music is playing in the background. She notices Nick with a backpack in hand running towards a pickup truck. He jumps in and they speed off. She flicks the cigarette out, turns off her light and lays in bed but does not close her eyes."
-night ext; TALK TO CLASS ABOUT THIS
10; I don't know if i'm buying mom laughing at the moment; would be hard for ANY parent to laugh under these circumstances, but particularly her because she was so worried and uptight (especially relative to husband)
11; i'm not getting the the parents are pissed off; spell out where we are supposed to see/feel that
general; i think there is some work to be done here; i like the world you've created and it feels pretty real; but i'm not quite sure what this is about thematically or narratively; the journal will help you a lot.