yo Eric, you got all my comments on your draft over break so I'm not gonna waste either one of our times re-posting them here. let me know if you wanna talk about any of them in more detail on class wednesday.
oh and thanks for the comments on mine. you brought up a lot of good points.
P.1 - "LUKE Better safe than sorry than shot in the face though, huh." - Pretty clunky line imo. I think if you take out "sorry than," the line would read much smoother without sacrificing what you're trying to say - "better safe than shot in the face though, huh."
P.3 - "FRANK That’s not for us to decide. For now, just remember why you’re out here." - Great foreshadow here, really drops negs on the audience for what happens for the monster later on.
- Like your making Frank speak in a different accent when dealing with "outsiders."
- "turn-a-kit" = tourniquet
- P. 11 -14 - Introductions to Kane, Merriman and their relationship work well here, although it is a little trite to have them be the odd couple.
- P. 25 - "BRAD $40 bucks, It’s probably run by fuckin’ Norman Bates." - another good foreshadow
- P. 26 - If Josh's reservations for Vegas aren't until the next day, then why is it a big deal for them to pick up Phil's friend (besides Brad complaining b/c he's drunk.)?
-P. 32 "BRAD I’m sorry man, you know I’m a prick. I can’t help it. PHIL I’m sorry too. About Rick and all this bullshit. BRAD No, Josh is right, I’d be kicking someone’s ass in Vegas tonight, I need to cool off." - This whole exchange seems forced. I think by making it a little more informal than proper will help fix this.
P. 32 - "Thanks hon." - should be "hun."
P. 44 - "KANE (leans in) Are you high right now?" - hilarious. Like how you've given Kane more of these lines, really goes a long way to show us his character.
P. 45 - KANE Good, get out while you still can." - you have this SP littered with Foreshadowing, all of them have come across very well so far.
P. 45-46 - Malcolm seems much more bent on disrespecting Gabriel than grieving over his brother, I didn't buy most of his dialogue during this scene because of it. He just comes off like a punk, especially when you have him walk out. I think Malcolm needs to be more calmer, somber, and respectful with a slight hit of fire underneath during this scene rather than being open and brash, as that 1) wouldn't arouse suspicion in Gabriel, and 2) would be more believable for such a tight-knit town of that type, as juniors would never insult elders. just my two cents.
P. 50-53 - I didn't like the priest/Kane scene from the previous stuff I've read, but I think it works here, serving as the calm before the storm. Glad you made the Priest have some sense of humor.
P. 57 - "MERRIMAN If everyone says the same thing that doesn’t mean they’re lying. It just means they probably think you’re an asshole." - hahahah
--- Overall I think you have a great script going here. Your revisions have made the script funnier, tauter, and more interesting, so you've definitely done a good job there. Besides the notes, not too much to add, everything has read well so far. Good work.
Also, wanted to point out that your addition of lines for Jacquie and Katie (esp. on P. 42-44) as well as lines for the other young adults was a good move. Before they were borderline cardboard cut-out characters, these additions round them out a bit more.
Hay man this is a lot of fun I still have to read the last 40 pages so my comments may be void. I love the character of Kane. Even the name is bad ass. He just craps on everyone and everything. I look forward to when the story reverts back to his character. IIm like hoping this guy just lays waist to the town in a "i've done his all before" type of way and mount this creatures head on his wall above the fireplace. Anyway I also liked the characters of Josh and his girl friend. Between those characters there is almost this bad ass trifecta. This had the feel of "From Dusk Til Dawn" a bit. This is just a blast man awesome job.
D1 √ 8; dented flask is a cliche; kinda funny; maybe that's the style 8; "turn-a-kit" spelling i like this opening 13; very clumsy exposition when Kane talks about Matt's profile; but that's sorta the genre, right... 14; funny when josh forgets he's driving 18; scene with kids is well written; funny and real feeling dialogue; but it may be .5 to a full page too long 19; still love the fake shootout 22; not much to the Kane Truman Merriman scene; is it needed? you should ask this of every scene look thru 15 - 30; i'm concerned there's not enough advancing the story; are there critical, must have story points in the section? 33; i think you need to inject more humor with the kids; otherwise i'm concerned they will get tedious 37; in the sc with Anne, what happens?? a near 4 pages and nothing really happens in the scene; it can't just be set up; you scenes need events; stuff that moves the story forward in a causal way 40; diner sc is another where not too much happens; i don't think you can just have interrogation; you have interrogation and something has to happen; AT A MINIMUM, they have to discover some stuff; otherwise, why show a scene where they don't make any discoveries? 44; i like when the two stories intersect 49; should we know what Brandon is suggesting at this point? or have any idea? is it to kill Malcolm? 49; i like how you go from Gabe talking about praying to the church; nice thematic connection 53; "PRIEST That was more complaining than confession my boy." good line; a lot of very good dialogue in this piece 71; i like the tranquilizer move 71; tip is funny 73; i love how this is twisting with Rick now tranquilizing! this is the sort of stuff (in a less dramatic way) that has to happen in the first act 76; great scene with Josh, Andrew and Martha; very tense; at this point we're on edge because we don't know who we can trust 84; may be an awkward time trans going from Malcolm and Merriman to Josh and back to M & M; plus, you may irritate your audience who by now will want to know what the fuck is going on themselves! (i don't think we fully know yet, right?) 89; kane brad jackie scene seems awfully long 91; "MALCOLM I think we’re pretty far past how old I am." - good line 92; i really love the conflict that comes from Malcolm being younger and how merriman doesn't want him to come for that reason 93; i LOVE when the hoodies come out! 95; great when Merriman tell Malcolm there's not time to fuck around and turns the tables 100; the whole ritual - creep fun! with Malcolm and Merriman racing to save the day! fun! fun! 102; i'm not sure if jackie should die or not; takes some of the tension out of the piece 113; great twist that Josh is in the trunk! you surprised me and scared me! general; i'm liking this a lot, but i like the second half a lot more than the first half (for obvious reasons because that's when the fun starts); so you have to have more creepy things happen and false leads; you can't have a bunch of people talking and interviewing and partying; we have to feel like the story is unfolding; like you dialogue; this is fun, creepy, could make a good horror film
yo Eric, you got all my comments on your draft over break so I'm not gonna waste either one of our times re-posting them here. let me know if you wanna talk about any of them in more detail on class wednesday.
ReplyDeleteoh and thanks for the comments on mine. you brought up a lot of good points.
Thoughts on Pages 1 -59:
ReplyDeleteP.1 - "LUKE
Better safe than sorry than shot in
the face though, huh." - Pretty clunky line imo. I think if you take out "sorry than," the line would read much smoother without sacrificing what you're trying to say - "better safe than shot in the face though, huh."
P.3 - "FRANK
That’s not for us to decide. For
now, just remember why you’re out
here." - Great foreshadow here, really drops negs on the audience for what happens for the monster later on.
- Like your making Frank speak in a different accent when dealing with "outsiders."
- "turn-a-kit" = tourniquet
- P. 11 -14 - Introductions to Kane, Merriman and their relationship work well here, although it is a little trite to have them be the odd couple.
- P. 25 - "BRAD
$40 bucks, It’s probably run by
fuckin’ Norman Bates." - another good foreshadow
- P. 26 - If Josh's reservations for Vegas aren't until the next day, then why is it a big deal for them to pick up Phil's friend (besides Brad complaining b/c he's drunk.)?
-P. 32
"BRAD
I’m sorry man, you know I’m a
prick. I can’t help it.
PHIL
I’m sorry too. About Rick and all
this bullshit.
BRAD
No, Josh is right, I’d be kicking
someone’s ass in Vegas tonight, I
need to cool off." - This whole exchange seems forced. I think by making it a little more informal than proper will help fix this.
P. 32 - "Thanks hon." - should be "hun."
P. 44 - "KANE
(leans in)
Are you high right now?" - hilarious. Like how you've given Kane more of these lines, really goes a long way to show us his character.
P. 45 -
KANE
Good, get out while you still can." - you have this SP littered with Foreshadowing, all of them have come across very well so far.
P. 45-46 - Malcolm seems much more bent on disrespecting Gabriel than grieving over his brother, I didn't buy most of his dialogue during this scene because of it. He just comes off like a punk, especially when you have him walk out. I think Malcolm needs to be more calmer, somber, and respectful with a slight hit of fire underneath during this scene rather than being open and brash, as that 1) wouldn't arouse suspicion in Gabriel, and 2) would be more believable for such a tight-knit town of that type, as juniors would never insult elders. just my two cents.
P. 50-53 - I didn't like the priest/Kane scene from the previous stuff I've read, but I think it works here, serving as the calm before the storm. Glad you made the Priest have some sense of humor.
P. 57 - "MERRIMAN
If everyone says the same thing
that doesn’t mean they’re
lying. It just means they probably
think you’re an asshole." - hahahah
---
Overall I think you have a great script going here. Your revisions have made the script funnier, tauter, and more interesting, so you've definitely done a good job there. Besides the notes, not too much to add, everything has read well so far. Good work.
Also, wanted to point out that your addition of lines for Jacquie and Katie (esp. on P. 42-44) as well as lines for the other young adults was a good move. Before they were borderline cardboard cut-out characters, these additions round them out a bit more.
ReplyDeleteHay man this is a lot of fun I still have to read the last 40 pages so my comments may be void. I love the character of Kane. Even the name is bad ass. He just craps on everyone and everything. I look forward to when the story reverts back to his character. IIm like hoping this guy just lays waist to the town in a "i've done his all before" type of way and mount this creatures head on his wall above the fireplace. Anyway I also liked the characters of Josh and his girl friend. Between those characters there is almost this bad ass trifecta. This had the feel of "From Dusk Til Dawn" a bit. This is just a blast man awesome job.
ReplyDeleteD1 √
ReplyDelete8; dented flask is a cliche; kinda funny; maybe that's the style
8; "turn-a-kit" spelling
i like this opening
13; very clumsy exposition when Kane talks about Matt's profile; but that's sorta the genre, right...
14; funny when josh forgets he's driving
18; scene with kids is well written; funny and real feeling dialogue; but it may be .5 to a full page too long
19; still love the fake shootout
22; not much to the Kane Truman Merriman scene; is it needed? you should ask this of every scene
look thru 15 - 30; i'm concerned there's not enough advancing the story; are there critical, must have story points in the section?
33; i think you need to inject more humor with the kids; otherwise i'm concerned they will get tedious
37; in the sc with Anne, what happens?? a near 4 pages and nothing really happens in the scene; it can't just be set up; you scenes need events; stuff that moves the story forward in a causal way
40; diner sc is another where not too much happens; i don't think you can just have interrogation; you have interrogation and something has to happen; AT A MINIMUM, they have to discover some stuff; otherwise, why show a scene where they don't make any discoveries?
44; i like when the two stories intersect
49; should we know what Brandon is suggesting at this point? or have any idea? is it to kill Malcolm?
49; i like how you go from Gabe talking about praying to the church; nice thematic connection
53; "PRIEST That was more complaining than confession my boy." good line; a lot of very good dialogue in this piece
71; i like the tranquilizer move
71; tip is funny
73; i love how this is twisting with Rick now tranquilizing! this is the sort of stuff (in a less dramatic way) that has to happen in the first act
76; great scene with Josh, Andrew and Martha; very tense; at this point we're on edge because we don't know who we can trust
84; may be an awkward time trans going from Malcolm and Merriman to Josh and back to M & M; plus, you may irritate your audience who by now will want to know what the fuck is going on themselves! (i don't think we fully know yet, right?)
89; kane brad jackie scene seems awfully long
91; "MALCOLM I think we’re pretty far past how old I am."
- good line
92; i really love the conflict that comes from Malcolm being younger and how merriman doesn't want him to come for that reason
93; i LOVE when the hoodies come out!
95; great when Merriman tell Malcolm there's not time to fuck around and turns the tables
100; the whole ritual - creep fun! with Malcolm and Merriman racing to save the day! fun! fun!
102; i'm not sure if jackie should die or not; takes some of the tension out of the piece
113; great twist that Josh is in the trunk! you surprised me and scared me!
general; i'm liking this a lot, but i like the second half a lot more than the first half (for obvious reasons because that's when the fun starts); so you have to have more creepy things happen and false leads; you can't have a bunch of people talking and interviewing and partying; we have to feel like the story is unfolding; like you dialogue; this is fun, creepy, could make a good horror film