Pg. 1- "...but where's my happy ending?" Awesome line! It sounds like a line that would be in "Sex and the City". I like that!
Pg. 1-2 - I love the two conversations between the guys and the girls. I really get a 'battle of the sexes' sense.
Pg. 3- What does Shoddy mean? Is that just a nicer way of saying shitty?
Pg. 8- When you mention how the soccer players are hot, I think it would be funny to add in some reference to David Beckham.
-I like the idea of having a voice over of "goal" at the end of the credit. That's funny!
Overall, I really like the changes you made. I think you were smart to cut it shorter. I think it will be a lot more effective by making the movie short and sweet! Keep up the great work! i am looking forward to seeing your end results.
I think this is much better being shorter then your previous drafts.
I got confused with the oven mitt cause after first i thought the guys were teasing me and then brian's wife thought he got it for her? I didn't get why she slapped the back of his head.
I also found it hard to buy into Seth's situation. I know you mention "he can't take a hint" and then Lacey tries seducing him. I understand it's a comedy but personally if i was complaining about not getting sex and my girlfriend was acting like that I don't know how i could stay focused on the game. It just seems a little to extreme.
I think what will make this successful is the quick banter and cuts but I think also we are going to need a time or two where the film slows down and gives us a chance to breath. I like the dialogue, the fact that the conversations are simultaneous and parallel. It is a tough thing to pull off but I think the conversation works.
My main problem is that for eight pages they complain and then suddenly things are better. I think it needs a little more of a lead up to that. More conversation between the couples. But I do understand why you have chosen to do this because I think it fits with the tone of the whole script.
I like the flashback scenes and if they come out well they will be really funny, especially the goal part.
Hey Melissa! I'll just leave some random comments in here in real time as I read your script!
I really enjoy the parallel Girl vs Guy version of the whole after marriage sex fiasco I thought it was really fun.
Page 3 - When BRIAN says "shoddy oven" I think that is unnatural, unless he's British or something haha, maybe something a little more rough around the edges.
Page 3 - Brian referring to getting things "for the future kids"...LOVE that!
GOOOAAALLLLL...awesome
that first GOOOAAALLLL was for when the guy said it, I love how Trisha says it at the end, very fun turnaround. The script is SOO different from the first draft, and I think it is much better, and I can relate to having completely different drafts from the 1st to 6th draft as I went through the same thing, but I think you get your point across of the differing views of men and women and are able to do so in a quick and funny manner. Great work!
Hey Melissa, So, I am diggin your script. I think you made some bold but right choices in shortening it and focusing on the conflict rather than the whole Fantasy football thing. This works much better. Your characters flow better and I love the comedic moments like GOOOAAALLL and the video game stuff. I disagree with Ryan on that note. I totally think it is funny that he is more interested in the game. My only real beef is kinda in line with Matt's comment. It feels incomplete because the change is so sudden. There is no real arc, it goes straight from tons of problems to everything is happy. Also, In the beginning I felt like the girls were on an infomercial. The dialog almost felt like an advertisement. Maybe I am crazy but I just thought I would mention it. Overall, Much funnier than the previous drafts and much more focused thanks to the shorter length. I am excited to see your next draft and of course, your footage! Great work, JJ
That GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLL line worked both times and was really funny. Shortening the story was a great idea as well. I still think one of the girls should be having a great romantic relationship. I think in an earlier draft it was Lacey and they all wonder what she is doing it right. This could serve as the catalyst for the "give and take." Sort of like how at the end of The 40 Year Old Virgin the all the other guys come around to Steve Carell's characters way of thinking to some point in a sort of "give and take maybe he has the right idea" sort of way. Maybe not the best example. But either way very funny I literally bust out laughing.
everyone hit on everything i was going to say so i'll sum up what i've got really quickly.
good idea that you cut the script. the banter you were going for will work better in this condensed version. your dialogue is hilarious. i agree with courtney throw in a beckham line to drive that point home. and the oven mitts thing kinda threw me too. maybe make that more clear. but going back to the shorter script, i think you backed yourself into a corner b/c in shortening the script you have no time to conclude your arc so you were forced to magically fix things in half of a page. i definitely think this needs to be worked out. it's kind of a big issue but can be fixed before you shoot. you can make it work. i have faith haha.
Like everyone before me, I have to say great work on shortening. The characters feel less stereotyped and for the most part more natural.
I like the blending you've started to do with some of the scenes as well, having the two pow-wows bounce back and forth on each other is a great stylistic choice and pushes things forward nicely.
I did catch one hiccup that could be easily fixed in post, but might as well catch while going into production: at the top of page 6 when you start doing the back and forth, you answer Brian's question "a week ago?" with another from Seth "What two weeks?" when you should be going to Trisha first: "A little longer than that"
so what I think its supposed to be is...
Brian: A week ago? Trisha: A little longer than that. Seth: What, two weeks?
As opposed to...
Brian: A week ago? Seth: What, two weeks? Trisha: A little longer than that.
Like I said, just mild reorganizing. I have to agree with some of the others about the change happening to suddenly. What you have is a great little comedy, so there doesn't have to be this elaborate arc, but think what the great episodic comedy shows do in these situations.
A moral speech starting with one character that waterfalls into the whole ensemble adding little bits to the conclusion. Like South Park.
oh, never mind on that organization thing, just re-read that and saw what you were doing... its alittle weird to break up the guy's conversation with a scene change where nothing is said.
uhh, well it felt extremely rushed to me. But apparently i'm the only one that felt that way so maybe I'm crazy. It basically felt like a lot of jump cuts constantly.
And while there is an apparent mounting tension...there's no real release or reason for either side to compromise really. It's like a volcano about to blow, except instead it lets out some smoke...well at least thats what I get.
I do like the fact that you kept the issue of communication in the script. Obviously had the couples talked to their respective mates this may have not occurred.
I also think there is more room for humor in here, so if you decide to continue, go nuts :D And I agree on what Geo said about shoody and british.
GOOOOOAAAALLL!!!! Oh man I was on the floor for this one...it is getting late but oh man great line!!!
Man I don't know who my favorite character is here...I agree with Mckenzie that it felt rushed at the end. Like you spend 7-8 pages on developing the problem and 2-3 solving the problem. I think you should add another scene with Brian and Carla to show that they are getting alone better. I think you could extend the Brian Carla scene at the end too. Other than that great comedic timing here!
D1 √ revised script appreciate the update note i like the opening; very strong 7; aren't reruns obsolete? tivo? i'm really concerned about this script; it just doesn't go anywhere; it's just a but of conversations of people complaining about their spouses; there is no story here; we have to talk
Pg. 1- "...but where's my happy ending?" Awesome line! It sounds like a line that would be in "Sex and the City". I like that!
ReplyDeletePg. 1-2 - I love the two conversations between the guys and the girls. I really get a 'battle of the sexes' sense.
Pg. 3- What does Shoddy mean? Is that just a nicer way of saying shitty?
Pg. 8- When you mention how the soccer players are hot, I think it would be funny to add in some reference to David Beckham.
-I like the idea of having a voice over of "goal" at the end of the credit. That's funny!
Overall, I really like the changes you made. I think you were smart to cut it shorter. I think it will be a lot more effective by making the movie short and sweet! Keep up the great work! i am looking forward to seeing your end results.
I think this is much better being shorter then your previous drafts.
ReplyDeleteI got confused with the oven mitt cause after first i thought the guys were teasing me and then brian's wife thought he got it for her? I didn't get why she slapped the back of his head.
I also found it hard to buy into Seth's situation. I know you mention "he can't take a hint" and then Lacey tries seducing him. I understand it's a comedy but personally if i was complaining about not getting sex and my girlfriend was acting like that I don't know how i could stay focused on the game. It just seems a little to extreme.
I think what will make this successful is the quick banter and cuts but I think also we are going to need a time or two where the film slows down and gives us a chance to breath. I like the dialogue, the fact that the conversations are simultaneous and parallel. It is a tough thing to pull off but I think the conversation works.
ReplyDeleteMy main problem is that for eight pages they complain and then suddenly things are better. I think it needs a little more of a lead up to that. More conversation between the couples. But I do understand why you have chosen to do this because I think it fits with the tone of the whole script.
I like the flashback scenes and if they come out well they will be really funny, especially the goal part.
Great Job
I frickin love this script and cannot wait to work on it later on!! haha :) Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Melissa! I'll just leave some random comments in here in real time as I read your script!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy the parallel Girl vs Guy version of the whole after marriage sex fiasco I thought it was really fun.
Page 3 - When BRIAN says "shoddy oven" I think that is unnatural, unless he's British or something haha, maybe something a little more rough around the edges.
Page 3 - Brian referring to getting things "for the future kids"...LOVE that!
GOOOAAALLLLL...awesome
that first GOOOAAALLLL was for when the guy said it, I love how Trisha says it at the end, very fun turnaround. The script is SOO different from the first draft, and I think it is much better, and I can relate to having completely different drafts from the 1st to 6th draft as I went through the same thing, but I think you get your point across of the differing views of men and women and are able to do so in a quick and funny manner. Great work!
Hey Melissa,
ReplyDeleteSo, I am diggin your script. I think you made some bold but right choices in shortening it and focusing on the conflict rather than the whole Fantasy football thing. This works much better. Your characters flow better and I love the comedic moments like GOOOAAALLL and the video game stuff. I disagree with Ryan on that note. I totally think it is funny that he is more interested in the game.
My only real beef is kinda in line with Matt's comment. It feels incomplete because the change is so sudden. There is no real arc, it goes straight from tons of problems to everything is happy. Also, In the beginning I felt like the girls were on an infomercial. The dialog almost felt like an advertisement. Maybe I am crazy but I just thought I would mention it.
Overall, Much funnier than the previous drafts and much more focused thanks to the shorter length. I am excited to see your next draft and of course, your footage!
Great work,
JJ
That GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLL line worked both times and was really funny. Shortening the story was a great idea as well. I still think one of the girls should be having a great romantic relationship. I think in an earlier draft it was Lacey and they all wonder what she is doing it right. This could serve as the catalyst for the "give and take." Sort of like how at the end of The 40 Year Old Virgin the all the other guys come around to Steve Carell's characters way of thinking to some point in a sort of "give and take maybe he has the right idea" sort of way. Maybe not the best example. But either way very funny I literally bust out laughing.
ReplyDeletehey melissa...
ReplyDeleteeveryone hit on everything i was going to say so i'll sum up what i've got really quickly.
good idea that you cut the script. the banter you were going for will work better in this condensed version. your dialogue is hilarious. i agree with courtney throw in a beckham line to drive that point home. and the oven mitts thing kinda threw me too. maybe make that more clear. but going back to the shorter script, i think you backed yourself into a corner b/c in shortening the script you have no time to conclude your arc so you were forced to magically fix things in half of a page. i definitely think this needs to be worked out. it's kind of a big issue but can be fixed before you shoot. you can make it work. i have faith haha.
Like everyone before me, I have to say great work on shortening. The characters feel less stereotyped and for the most part more natural.
ReplyDeleteI like the blending you've started to do with some of the scenes as well, having the two pow-wows bounce back and forth on each other is a great stylistic choice and pushes things forward nicely.
I did catch one hiccup that could be easily fixed in post, but might as well catch while going into production: at the top of page 6 when you start doing the back and forth, you answer Brian's question "a week ago?" with another from Seth "What two weeks?" when you should be going to Trisha first: "A little longer than that"
so what I think its supposed to be is...
Brian: A week ago?
Trisha: A little longer than that.
Seth: What, two weeks?
As opposed to...
Brian: A week ago?
Seth: What, two weeks?
Trisha: A little longer than that.
Like I said, just mild reorganizing. I have to agree with some of the others about the change happening to suddenly. What you have is a great little comedy, so there doesn't have to be this elaborate arc, but think what the great episodic comedy shows do in these situations.
A moral speech starting with one character that waterfalls into the whole ensemble adding little bits to the conclusion. Like South Park.
anyways, just a thought. Overall great work!
oh, never mind on that organization thing, just re-read that and saw what you were doing... its alittle weird to break up the guy's conversation with a scene change where nothing is said.
ReplyDeleteuhh, well it felt extremely rushed to me. But apparently i'm the only one that felt that way so maybe I'm crazy. It basically felt like a lot of jump cuts constantly.
ReplyDeleteAnd while there is an apparent mounting tension...there's no real release or reason for either side to compromise really. It's like a volcano about to blow, except instead it lets out some smoke...well at least thats what I get.
I do like the fact that you kept the issue of communication in the script. Obviously had the couples talked to their respective mates this may have not occurred.
I also think there is more room for humor in here, so if you decide to continue, go nuts :D And I agree on what Geo said about shoody and british.
:D Yay you have time till march!
GOOOOOAAAALLL!!!! Oh man I was on the floor for this one...it is getting late but oh man great line!!!
ReplyDeleteMan I don't know who my favorite character is here...I agree with Mckenzie that it felt rushed at the end. Like you spend 7-8 pages on developing the problem and 2-3 solving the problem. I think you should add another scene with Brian and Carla to show that they are getting alone better. I think you could extend the Brian Carla scene at the end too. Other than that great comedic timing here!
D1 √
ReplyDeleterevised script
appreciate the update note
i like the opening; very strong
7; aren't reruns obsolete? tivo?
i'm really concerned about this script; it just doesn't go anywhere; it's just a but of conversations of people complaining about their spouses; there is no story here; we have to talk
D2; camera tests, storyboards shot list