Hey Buddy. It doesnt look like too much has changed except for parts toward the end. I think it works a bit better now that you have it mapped out a little more. The only major note I want to give is possibly the heads and/or tails for some of your scenes. For example, The line "People always told us we look like Brothers," is probably unnecessary. The audience will get it hopefully from looking at them. But more importantly, the scene drags with that line. I think it would be stronger if it just ended with their hug. Also, just something to maybe think about, some of the dialog felt forced. Explaining by telling, rather than showing. Some of this exposition I felt was necessary, but some of it probably could be toned down a tad too. The conversation with Jacinto and his mom stands out. I could be way off though. It wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, Great work. I already know it is gonna look awesome. I can't wait to see your footage! Cheers Dude! -JJ
I have always thought this was a solid script and now I think the ending is even better then before and very strong.
I know you were struggling with "what connects all of these stories together" and I was curious if you did come to that conclusion because that point may help you in some of your shot, production design, or lighting choices on set.
Miguel- Just a note before I begin, the page numbers I’m describing are the page numbers of the .pdf document, not your script, so you’d subtract 1 page if you were going in to edit in a screenwriting program. I know I’ve said this about an earlier draft, but I’d like to point that using both English and Spanish is one of the things that makes your script really unique and interesting. I like the conversation between Jacinto and Cande, because it shows that Jacinto has a sense of humor while still caring for his family. P. 4- “Jacinto hangs up. He wrties a note” typo. The references you’ve added to the mother are really good. Erica’s trip to the mountain to read the inscription is very powerful. I really like the way you have the script broken up now. Jacinto gets arrested, Anita and Erica fight, each girl has a tender moment, and then Anita gets the phone call. Also, I think it’s really effective that us as viewers only see Anita’s half of the conversation as she finds out about Jacinto being in jail.
Even though I also liked your original ending, I think I prefer this one. The fantasies that Jacinto is there for the wedding and graduation are bittersweet and make the ending that much sadder.
First off I want to say that the opening seems very strong. I like the way you have explained the visuals and from what I am seeing in my head while reading it there are many strong points. And in general it is really a great story. While reading it there were point where I was getting confused with the relationships of each character and who they were. It might be because it is my first read through of it.
I like the montage ending and I think with a good soundtrack and great camera work it will be very powerful. I am sorry I do not have more criticism but I really think it is a strong piece and I also have nothing to compare it to as I have not read the previous drafts.
I like the script a lot. You said it best and the fact that it's your 8th draft means it is probably as close as you need to be to a shooting script so bravo for that.
I can't remember from the last draft but either way on page 11 I love how we find out how Jacinto's papers were "fake" in that they were traded with his friends' papers. Truly tragic and makes it even sadder then previous drafts.
Great work though buddy I have nothing more to say, good luck shooting!
Yeah man this is flowing much better. Think I only read an early draft. They story is flowing much more naturalistic, and your point are coming across much more strongly because of it. Looking forward to seeing it now man, great job.
Great job! I really felt the emotions going on in this script. I loved the Anita Erica argument scene. I thought it really worked well.
I would have to agree with JJ, that some dialogue doesn't feel completely natural, and sometimes Erica and Anita sound similar. But I am sure your actors will solve many of these issues when reading the lines.
I had a couple questions from a producing standpoint. In the car scenes are you doing it guerilla style, or are you closing down streets and permitting?
This is super visual, and I am really excited for this project!
D1 √ i really appreciate you note and was glad to see how much progress towards production you've made 6; i think you might need to introduce the sisters earlier like you used to 12; what's the bat about? jacinto being there is imaginary, yes? interesest choice (if that's what it is) there are a lot of complicated production issues; this won't be a cheap movie to make; cops will have to have FAKE guns, so you will need to speak to Valenti about this the non-linear aspects are a risk for sure; did you read 21 Grams? it may be displacing the drama; i'm not sure right now what is keeping me on the edge of my seat; let's discuss with class
Hey Buddy.
ReplyDeleteIt doesnt look like too much has changed except for parts toward the end. I think it works a bit better now that you have it mapped out a little more.
The only major note I want to give is possibly the heads and/or tails for some of your scenes. For example, The line "People always told us we look like Brothers," is probably unnecessary. The audience will get it hopefully from looking at them. But more importantly, the scene drags with that line. I think it would be stronger if it just ended with their hug.
Also, just something to maybe think about, some of the dialog felt forced. Explaining by telling, rather than showing. Some of this exposition I felt was necessary, but some of it probably could be toned down a tad too. The conversation with Jacinto and his mom stands out. I could be way off though. It wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, Great work. I already know it is gonna look awesome. I can't wait to see your footage!
Cheers Dude!
-JJ
I have always thought this was a solid script and now I think the ending is even better then before and very strong.
ReplyDeleteI know you were struggling with "what connects all of these stories together" and I was curious if you did come to that conclusion because that point may help you in some of your shot, production design, or lighting choices on set.
Miguel-
ReplyDeleteJust a note before I begin, the page numbers I’m describing are the page numbers of the .pdf document, not your script, so you’d subtract 1 page if you were going in to edit in a screenwriting program.
I know I’ve said this about an earlier draft, but I’d like to point that using both English and Spanish is one of the things that makes your script really unique and interesting. I like the conversation between Jacinto and Cande, because it shows that Jacinto has a sense of humor while still caring for his family.
P. 4- “Jacinto hangs up. He wrties a note” typo.
The references you’ve added to the mother are really good. Erica’s trip to the mountain to read the inscription is very powerful.
I really like the way you have the script broken up now. Jacinto gets arrested, Anita and Erica fight, each girl has a tender moment, and then Anita gets the phone call. Also, I think it’s really effective that us as viewers only see Anita’s half of the conversation as she finds out about Jacinto being in jail.
Even though I also liked your original ending, I think I prefer this one. The fantasies that Jacinto is there for the wedding and graduation are bittersweet and make the ending that much sadder.
Great work, I can’t wait to see your first cut.
First off I want to say that the opening seems very strong. I like the way you have explained the visuals and from what I am seeing in my head while reading it there are many strong points. And in general it is really a great story. While reading it there were point where I was getting confused with the relationships of each character and who they were. It might be because it is my first read through of it.
ReplyDeleteI like the montage ending and I think with a good soundtrack and great camera work it will be very powerful. I am sorry I do not have more criticism but I really think it is a strong piece and I also have nothing to compare it to as I have not read the previous drafts.
Hey Miguel!
ReplyDeleteI like the script a lot. You said it best and the fact that it's your 8th draft means it is probably as close as you need to be to a shooting script so bravo for that.
I can't remember from the last draft but either way on page 11 I love how we find out how Jacinto's papers were "fake" in that they were traded with his friends' papers. Truly tragic and makes it even sadder then previous drafts.
Great work though buddy I have nothing more to say, good luck shooting!
Yeah man this is flowing much better. Think I only read an early draft. They story is flowing much more naturalistic, and your point are coming across much more strongly because of it. Looking forward to seeing it now man, great job.
ReplyDeleteI love this script! But it's so depressing.
ReplyDeleteCan you do something about that?
(Kidding... but I don't appreciate KNOWING that I'm gonna cry before I've even seen this on screen.)
Pg. 5 Scene 8 "an approaching immigration" should be "approaching an immigration."
Pg. 9 you say "when I was born" twice. You only need it once unless it's a character thing.
Miguel,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I really felt the emotions going on in this script. I loved the Anita Erica argument scene. I thought it really worked well.
I would have to agree with JJ, that some dialogue doesn't feel completely natural, and sometimes Erica and Anita sound similar. But I am sure your actors will solve many of these issues when reading the lines.
I had a couple questions from a producing standpoint. In the car scenes are you doing it guerilla style, or are you closing down streets and permitting?
This is super visual, and I am really excited for this project!
D1 √
ReplyDeletei really appreciate you note and was glad to see how much progress towards production you've made
6; i think you might need to introduce the sisters earlier like you used to
12; what's the bat about?
jacinto being there is imaginary, yes? interesest choice (if that's what it is)
there are a lot of complicated production issues; this won't be a cheap movie to make; cops will have to have FAKE guns, so you will need to speak to Valenti about this
the non-linear aspects are a risk for sure; did you read 21 Grams? it may be displacing the drama; i'm not sure right now what is keeping me on the edge of my seat; let's discuss with class