There's a few missing words that you missed in the dialogue around pages 10-12, like 3, I'm only being nit picky because I know this is pretty close to final so forgive me haha.
page 11-in Merriman line, Well that's reassuring, thank you. The thank you seems unnecessary
page 43-On, no not his brother...(is on suppose to be No)
page 45-Kane last line on the page has an extra need in it.
page 50-you list Kane speaking three times when i think Merriman should be the second one
When Kane and Merriman talk in their motel they both use their partners first name at one moment and it is different from when they first introduce their full names.
page 54-Phil line You're finally getting it seemed unnecessary
Page 58-It would seem more natural to me if Paul used a 100 to snort instead of a metal straw
When Frank mentions they have another problem Kane is on his way to the cave, it seemed like as I read it Kane somehow escaped and was heading to the cave. It also was confusing because the town's people are trying to get him to the cave so how is that a problem? It just seems like problem is the wrong word.
page 86-Gabriel line, "Yes, my son. We have me before." I think you mean met.
Page 90-Jacquie last line "Get of me...." I think you mean get off me
Page 91-I thought when Kane puts his hand on Kate was a really good moment
I enjoyed reading the script very much. I was engaged the whole time. It started out strong, you keep the story interesting as the detectives searched the town, and once the action starts up in the bathroom I felt you kept the intensity. I like the ending but you gotta change the title.
pg 15 middle of the page you have PHIL CON'T and he says "Phil's got some personal shit" I'm guessing his contact's name isn't also phil and thats a new portion so just pointing it out
I love the added scene with the middle aged cowboy it adds good tension to the suspicion of the town when Kane and Merriman arrive.
All in all I think you've got a fine script buddy.
I think that you actually did alright explaining the creature in the fact that it is what keeps these townspeople safe and unwounded. The various religious references throughout the piece that appear in pictures and crucifix's in people's houses make a good note at the semi-origin of the monster, I knid of like the fact that it is otherwise a semi-mysterious part of the piece.
Page 5: "I'm out here in the sticks." My sticky note is covering the actual word in my word doc, but I think you may have misspelled it.
Page 7: I think you should cut: "What the fuck are we gonna do now Chris?" Make this character a liiiitle stronger for the five minutes he's alive.
Page 7: Who lets out the sigh of disappointment - Frank or Brandon? Grammatically, it's Frank. But it fits the character of Frank much better (I think).
Page 9: "I'd HAVE" been"
I like the first 10 pages - I just think you should chop about 3 pages out of it. Maybe even as much as five, if you can manage it. I feel like 10 minutes is just too long for this prologue.
Also, I'm noticing a tendency you have to continually start out dialogue with a one word conjunction. For example: "well, -dialogue," or "look, -dialogue." Please be careful, especially when using (or possibly overusing) the word 'well' to start dialogue. Usually it's better without the first word.
Page 13: Hmm.. The word "bitch" used twice in about ten seconds by two different characters, not ironically. I would cut one of them.
Page 15: I think "Trouble in paradise?" works better as a stand-alone line of dialogue.
Page 15: As somebody else already mentioned, unless Phil speaks in third person, I think you meant Ricky.
Page 16: Given your target audience, I'm afraid people won't get the Norman Bates joke. We'll see.
Page 19: I'd cut Merriman's line after "You read the file on the kid, not on the town." The rest falls flat.
Page 19: I don't see Kane catching a Harry Potter flick. More like a Michael Bay blockbuster.
Page 20: That small scene with Truman and Gabriel doesn't do anything to me except scream how evil these characters are. I'd cut it.
Page 22: This (and later when he accosts the cashier) makes me really not like Kane that much. Yeah, he's an antihero, but saying he should have shot civilians just because they irritated him? This guy seems too easily spooked/irritated. Just something to keep in mind.
Pages 24-25: Great scene - but does it work for the overall film? I think it really tips your hand too much - but maybe that's what you're wanting to go for.
Page 34: If you want to wait to show the 'evilness' of the town until later, I'd keep this reveal for later; it's a great small moment that tells a LOT.
I'm on Page 42 and any facade of innocence in this town just got blown the hell away. Just so you know.
Page 43: Ehhh... Cut the line you added.
Page 44: This might just be a question of style, but I think Gabriel's line works a lot better as just "for us."
Page 46: Me being a spelling/grammar nazi: "counsel," not "council."
Page 48: Hmm... That reveal was great once, the second time... Not so much. And it doesn't make much sense that in a town of so few people, Truman would make the mistake of lying about him having a wife. Maybe if his wife was actually alive and well? Or died of natural causes?
Bottom of Page 48: Not sure I'm a fan of what you added here. I'd cut it again.
Page 50: Um - where in the motel are they? The parking lot? The lobby?
Page 52: People aren't the best neighbors? The whole facade of the town is that it's a great place to live. Also, why is Merriman so skeptical of Kane's reasons? He's got the same evidence and the same hunch. This feels like you're hitting the audience over the head. Kane's line about having different people say his wife died, or left, or whatever was great - I'd buy that as evidence. Merriman seems to be going stupid to help out the plot, and I hate it when a movie does that.
Top of Page 53: "No, I have an actual lead." Instead of "now."
Page 53: The line's better with only, "Just don't come stumbling in drunk."
Pages 55-56: Great stuff you've been doing with Josh and Katie all script long, and this continues it.
I'm on Page 60 now, and as great as this scene is already written, I think it'd work better if we REALLY DIDN'T KNOW if Merriman is right or if Kane is right about the town. And then one of them gets the reveal from earlier about the wife (yeah, that would take some serious rewriting) just before we see shit start going down - just before Ricky shoots Phil and Truman and Frank appear in the street. I mean, if we really didn't know and, say, Kane's talking to a guy at the dive bar and the conversation's totally normal and we see Kane totally start believing that he's paranoid about this town, he makes some blithe remark about the old guy's wife dying recently, only - "recently? Old man's been a widower (or single or whatever) for thirty years." And the audience barely has enough time to go "ooohhhhhhh shiiiiiit" before all hell breaks loose.
In the West Wing, there's a fantastic moment at the end of the fourth season when we see all these great character moments - everybody's having a good time. The president's newly graduated-from-Georgetown daughter is at a party with her boyfriend, and most of the chief aides are enjoying a quiet moment. Except for the press secretary. She's fending off an intrepid reporter who's asking questions because he knows the president (at the end of the last season) ordered the assassination of a foreign head of state because he was a terrorist. Everything's great until the last of five questions: "Does the president and his advisors fear reprisal attacks?" My heart, I shit you not, dropped about four feet right to the floor when I first saw/heard that. And before you know it, Zoey's disappeared and there's a dead secret service agent out back AND OH SHIT THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER JUST GOT KIDNAPPED. It'd be cool if there was something like that moment here. /essay
Page 61: Ehhh. Not sure I like the 'comprende' there. Also: Wow, Merriman's really gone stupid here. I guess 'horror movie cop' stupid.
Page 65: Um - I think you meant that Jaqueline was tranqued, not Katie.
Pgs. 15-18 – I like your changed/added dialogue between the characters here better. Like how we see how/why they go to Desperado in the first place with the Phil convo. One error you made though, on Pg. 15 Phil says “Phil’s got some personal…” when it should be “Rick’s got some personal” Pg. 24-25 – like the addition. Reminds my of Pyle’s death scene in Full Metal Jacket. Intense and creepy. Definitely lets the audience know something is up. Pgs. 27-30 like the continuation of the aftermath of the cowboy’s suicide with the interactions between Truman, Kane and Merriman. I think this accounts more towards the dynamic of the story and characters than having Jacquie and Katie ramble on. Good stuff. Pg. 32- Merriman “..I caught the end of it… it was something.” - nice dark humor here. Pg. 34 – this little arc of the cowboy being complete here, I think really adds a sense of dread to the first act/early second act that was missing previously, and should help the payoff in the end. Pg. 48 – I don’t know if this scene is as strong as it was previously. You took all the existentialism out of it, which made it stand out before. And for the priest slipping about the wife, I think you might be catering to the audience too much, its too easy of a consolation to what is really going on, especially after weirdness of the whole George Benson episode. PG 52-53 – good added dialogue. Kind of similar to the previous scene tho, with the characters talkinga about/acting out what their implicit intentions are, instead of letting them naturally come out as the story unfolds. Overall, I think the addition of the George Benson subplot help in building up the sense of dread, however, as just mentioned, I think you are spelling out too many things for the audience.
Pgs. 15-18 – I like your changed/added dialogue between the characters here better. Like how we see how/why they go to Desperado in the first place with the Phil convo. One error you made though, on Pg. 15 Phil says “Phil’s got some personal…” when it should be “Rick’s got some personal” Pg. 24-25 – like the addition. Reminds my of Pyle’s death scene in Full Metal Jacket. Intense and creepy. Definitely lets the audience know something is up. Pgs. 27-30 like the continuation of the aftermath of the cowboy’s suicide with the interactions between Truman, Kane and Merriman. I think this accounts more towards the dynamic of the story and characters than having Jacquie and Katie ramble on. Good stuff. Pg. 32- Merriman “..I caught the end of it… it was something.” - nice dark humor here. Pg. 34 – this little arc of the cowboy being complete here, I think really adds a sense of dread to the first act/early second act that was missing previously, and should help the payoff in the end. Pg. 48 – I don’t know if this scene is as strong as it was previously. You took all the existentialism out of it, which made it stand out before. And for the priest slipping about the wife, I think you might be catering to the audience too much, its too easy of a consolation to what is really going on, especially after weirdness of the whole George Benson episode. PG 52-53 – good added dialogue. Kind of similar to the previous scene tho, with the characters talkinga about/acting out what their implicit intentions are, instead of letting them naturally come out as the story unfolds. Overall, I think the addition of the George Benson subplot help in building up the sense of dread, however, as just mentioned, I think you are spelling out too many things for the audience.
So I've commented on all of your previous drafts as a whole and at this point in the game I'm just going to comment on the changes you've made for this cycle and leave the entire script comments for those that haven't commented on it at all yet. Here goes...
-First and foremost, I'm diggin the new title. It's like I gave it to you or something =) But in all seriousness, it hits the themes of your film while making sense to the story all while now becoming commercial.
-pg 17 - Not sure what all has changed here in the college kids' dialogue (I remember the scene but it seems different now), but it seems a lot more natural this go 'round. I really like the fact you have Josh stepping up and being more assertive. It was needed for his character. My only issue is the scene goes on a little long. Might wanna consider trimming it a bit.
-pg 19 - In the 'shoot out' scene I'd go out on the creepy sketched out old man. You introduce something isn't right with him but I'd end the scene reiterating that so it sticks with the audience/reader. Right now it just seems like the guy is an asshole for not bowing and is scared of the sign hitting him when it falls.
-pg 24 - I like this new scene. A lot. I do think you need to tweak something about it though to bring it to it's full potential. I think when George walks in you have Kane make some comment about the guy being from the show then when George points his gun have Kane make another sarcastic comment about the guy taking his role a little serious or something, thinking that it's a prop revolver. Then Truman gets a little freaked out b/c he KNOWS this isn't in the show and that's what triggers Kane and Merriman to draw their guns and the standoff ensues. That way you can add more beats to the scene so it's not all one note and when the suspense hits it'll hit harder. (PS- who is the 'he' George is talking about at the beginning of the scene? hope that pays off later)
-pg 27 - I don't think you need the exchange with the coroner at the beginning of the scene. It just seems unnecessary.
-pg 29 - I think you need to allude to Merriman's son's death here. This will give reason that Merriman thinks they should 'tread lightly' and knows people 'do crazy things' when a loved one dies. Don't come out and say it but hinting at something here would make his motivations not to dig deeper right away more believable b/c he's been there before.
-pg 29 - At the opening of the scene when Kane is questioning what George said I think you need to have Kane ask who the 'he' George mentioned is. We find out later it's Gabriel but having George ask where someone is before he shoots himself would be something the agents would want to know about.
-pg 34 - If Desperado is as small of a town as you want us to believe wouldn't word have spread about George's suicide? Having Anne (and others in questioning scenes) know what happened might give these scenes a whole new layer.
-pg 37 - I don't think you need the flash insert here. Just giving a line of description like 'Kane is dying to say something about what he saw earlier' would do it. That flash seems too random and would distract the audience.
-pg 47 - In the priest's dialogue about how he knew George Benson and how there are good people in this town, I think it would be cool if you had him say something like 'the people in this town are good. i assure you there are MONSTERS in this world but they are far from here.' Something like this would make the audience and Kane think he's talking about people who do bad things but then BAM there's a real fucking monster at the end of the movie. Could be a cool tie in and another thing like the oil painting to keep monsters in the audience's mind subconsciously.
-pg 52 - Nice job working in Merriman's skepticism about Kane's theory. I was just thinking why wouldn't Merriman be taking him serious at this point, but that was a nice touch.
All in all the new additions to the first half are good. I like where your head is at. I do think some of them need to be tweaked a little (i.e. my comments) so that they really complete your story. If and when you make those changes I think you'll have a script that will definitely find a home somewhere in Hollywood. I do feel the need to warn you again, like I've been saying since you originally told me about this idea, you need to be prepared that most people aren't going to 'get' the third act twist of the creature. Managers, agents, producers, or whoever will read this script will be jarred by something so different popping up on page 80. If I were you before you do anything with this I'd go back and reread the entire thing looking solely for places to hint at the creature/monster. You started doing it over the last few drafts but I think you need to find a couple more to justify that twist. It's gonna be the difference between it ending up as a SyFy Channel movie of the week or something on the big screen. And I know both you and I want to see this on the big screen.
The additions that you made build the tension well, like the cowboy who kills himself. I do think that Merriman and Kane would have contacted their department after that, and would have daily check ups on progress. Also I still wish that the two would have lived but thats just a preference think because the characters are so well written. Great work, great writing, great characters.
Overall looks great, but to try and keep on cutting it down in some places, particularly around your first act and stuff. I just feel it will be tighter overall in the final result and it will pay off. As for the title goes, I don't know how permanent you are with it just because i know you have changed it in the past, but i kinda think that it is a little bit on the dramatic side, lol, which your piece is very dramatic but having it be so explicit in the title could hurt the project. Maybe something along the lines of Exit to Desperado just because i love the idea of the play-on words of Despair and Despair-ado, haha.
Eric!!
ReplyDeleteThere's a few missing words that you missed in the dialogue around pages 10-12, like 3, I'm only being nit picky because I know this is pretty close to final so forgive me haha.
I'll get back with more!
hey buddy
ReplyDeletepage 11-in Merriman line, Well that's reassuring, thank you. The thank you seems unnecessary
page 43-On, no not his brother...(is on suppose to be No)
page 45-Kane last line on the page has an extra need in it.
page 50-you list Kane speaking three times when i think Merriman should be the second one
When Kane and Merriman talk in their motel they both use their partners first name at one moment and it is different from when they first introduce their full names.
page 54-Phil line You're finally getting it seemed unnecessary
Page 58-It would seem more natural to me if Paul used a 100 to snort instead of a metal straw
When Frank mentions they have another problem Kane is on his way to the cave, it seemed like as I read it Kane somehow escaped and was heading to the cave. It also was confusing because the town's people are trying to get him to the cave so how is that a problem? It just seems like problem is the wrong word.
page 86-Gabriel line, "Yes, my son. We have me before." I think you mean met.
Page 90-Jacquie last line "Get of me...." I think you mean get off me
Page 91-I thought when Kane puts his hand on Kate was a really good moment
I enjoyed reading the script very much. I was engaged the whole time. It started out strong, you keep the story interesting as the detectives searched the town, and once the action starts up in the bathroom I felt you kept the intensity. I like the ending but you gotta change the title.
pg 15 middle of the page you have PHIL CON'T and he says "Phil's got some personal shit" I'm guessing his contact's name isn't also phil and thats a new portion so just pointing it out
ReplyDeleteI love the added scene with the middle aged cowboy it adds good tension to the suspicion of the town when Kane and Merriman arrive.
All in all I think you've got a fine script buddy.
I think that you actually did alright explaining the creature in the fact that it is what keeps these townspeople safe and unwounded. The various religious references throughout the piece that appear in pictures and crucifix's in people's houses make a good note at the semi-origin of the monster, I knid of like the fact that it is otherwise a semi-mysterious part of the piece.
Great work buddy congrats!
Eric:
ReplyDeletePage 5: "I'm out here in the sticks." My sticky note is covering the actual word in my word doc, but I think you may have misspelled it.
Page 7: I think you should cut: "What the fuck are we gonna do now Chris?" Make this character a liiiitle stronger for the five minutes he's alive.
Page 7: Who lets out the sigh of disappointment - Frank or Brandon? Grammatically, it's Frank. But it fits the character of Frank much better (I think).
Page 9: "I'd HAVE" been"
I like the first 10 pages - I just think you should chop about 3 pages out of it. Maybe even as much as five, if you can manage it. I feel like 10 minutes is just too long for this prologue.
Also, I'm noticing a tendency you have to continually start out dialogue with a one word conjunction. For example: "well, -dialogue," or "look, -dialogue." Please be careful, especially when using (or possibly overusing) the word 'well' to start dialogue. Usually it's better without the first word.
Page 13: Hmm.. The word "bitch" used twice in about ten seconds by two different characters, not ironically. I would cut one of them.
Page 15: I think "Trouble in paradise?" works better as a stand-alone line of dialogue.
Page 15: As somebody else already mentioned, unless Phil speaks in third person, I think you meant Ricky.
Page 16: Given your target audience, I'm afraid people won't get the Norman Bates joke. We'll see.
Page 19: I'd cut Merriman's line after "You read the file on the kid, not on the town." The rest falls flat.
Page 19: I don't see Kane catching a Harry Potter flick. More like a Michael Bay blockbuster.
Page 20: That small scene with Truman and Gabriel doesn't do anything to me except scream how evil these characters are. I'd cut it.
Page 22: This (and later when he accosts the cashier) makes me really not like Kane that much. Yeah, he's an antihero, but saying he should have shot civilians just because they irritated him? This guy seems too easily spooked/irritated. Just something to keep in mind.
Pages 24-25: Great scene - but does it work for the overall film? I think it really tips your hand too much - but maybe that's what you're wanting to go for.
Page 34: If you want to wait to show the 'evilness' of the town until later, I'd keep this reveal for later; it's a great small moment that tells a LOT.
I'm on Page 42 and any facade of innocence in this town just got blown the hell away. Just so you know.
Page 43: Ehhh... Cut the line you added.
Page 44: This might just be a question of style, but I think Gabriel's line works a lot better as just "for us."
Page 46: Me being a spelling/grammar nazi: "counsel," not "council."
Page 48: Hmm... That reveal was great once, the second time... Not so much. And it doesn't make much sense that in a town of so few people, Truman would make the mistake of lying about him having a wife. Maybe if his wife was actually alive and well? Or died of natural causes?
Bottom of Page 48: Not sure I'm a fan of what you added here. I'd cut it again.
(part II!)
ReplyDeletePage 50: Um - where in the motel are they? The parking lot? The lobby?
Page 52: People aren't the best neighbors? The whole facade of the town is that it's a great place to live. Also, why is Merriman so skeptical of Kane's reasons? He's got the same evidence and the same hunch. This feels like you're hitting the audience over the head. Kane's line about having different people say his wife died, or left, or whatever was great - I'd buy that as evidence. Merriman seems to be going stupid to help out the plot, and I hate it when a movie does that.
Top of Page 53: "No, I have an actual lead." Instead of "now."
Page 53: The line's better with only, "Just don't come stumbling in drunk."
Pages 55-56: Great stuff you've been doing with Josh and Katie all script long, and this continues it.
I'm on Page 60 now, and as great as this scene is already written, I think it'd work better if we REALLY DIDN'T KNOW if Merriman is right or if Kane is right about the town. And then one of them gets the reveal from earlier about the wife (yeah, that would take some serious rewriting) just before we see shit start going down - just before Ricky shoots Phil and Truman and Frank appear in the street. I mean, if we really didn't know and, say, Kane's talking to a guy at the dive bar and the conversation's totally normal and we see Kane totally start believing that he's paranoid about this town, he makes some blithe remark about the old guy's wife dying recently, only - "recently? Old man's been a widower (or single or whatever) for thirty years." And the audience barely has enough time to go "ooohhhhhhh shiiiiiit" before all hell breaks loose.
In the West Wing, there's a fantastic moment at the end of the fourth season when we see all these great character moments - everybody's having a good time. The president's newly graduated-from-Georgetown daughter is at a party with her boyfriend, and most of the chief aides are enjoying a quiet moment. Except for the press secretary. She's fending off an intrepid reporter who's asking questions because he knows the president (at the end of the last season) ordered the assassination of a foreign head of state because he was a terrorist. Everything's great until the last of five questions: "Does the president and his advisors fear reprisal attacks?" My heart, I shit you not, dropped about four feet right to the floor when I first saw/heard that. And before you know it, Zoey's disappeared and there's a dead secret service agent out back AND OH SHIT THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER JUST GOT KIDNAPPED. It'd be cool if there was something like that moment here. /essay
Page 61: Ehhh. Not sure I like the 'comprende' there. Also: Wow, Merriman's really gone stupid here. I guess 'horror movie cop' stupid.
Page 65: Um - I think you meant that Jaqueline was tranqued, not Katie.
Page 68: Um - why wasn't Merriman attacked?
ReplyDeletePage 78: So he DOES have a wife?
Page 86: "Yes ,my son, we have met before." Weak line - cut it.
Page 89: OK, if I'm Kane at this point I want tell Gabriel to take his "son" and shove it up his ass. It's getting really annoying.
Page 91: I agree nice moment between Kane and Katie.
OK, finished. Like the ending a lot - dark as hell, but that's a horror film for you. Great work, Eric!
Pgs. 15-18 – I like your changed/added dialogue between the characters here better. Like how we see how/why they go to Desperado in the first place with the Phil convo. One error you made though, on Pg. 15 Phil says “Phil’s got some personal…” when it should be “Rick’s got some personal”
ReplyDeletePg. 24-25 – like the addition. Reminds my of Pyle’s death scene in Full Metal Jacket. Intense and creepy. Definitely lets the audience know something is up.
Pgs. 27-30 like the continuation of the aftermath of the cowboy’s suicide with the interactions between Truman, Kane and Merriman. I think this accounts more towards the dynamic of the story and characters than having Jacquie and Katie ramble on. Good stuff.
Pg. 32- Merriman “..I caught the end of it… it was something.” - nice dark humor here.
Pg. 34 – this little arc of the cowboy being complete here, I think really adds a sense of dread to the first act/early second act that was missing previously, and should help the payoff in the end.
Pg. 48 – I don’t know if this scene is as strong as it was previously. You took all the existentialism out of it, which made it stand out before. And for the priest slipping about the wife, I think you might be catering to the audience too much, its too easy of a consolation to what is really going on, especially after weirdness of the whole George Benson episode.
PG 52-53 – good added dialogue. Kind of similar to the previous scene tho, with the characters talkinga about/acting out what their implicit intentions are, instead of letting them naturally come out as the story unfolds.
Overall, I think the addition of the George Benson subplot help in building up the sense of dread, however, as just mentioned, I think you are spelling out too many things for the audience.
Pgs. 15-18 – I like your changed/added dialogue between the characters here better. Like how we see how/why they go to Desperado in the first place with the Phil convo. One error you made though, on Pg. 15 Phil says “Phil’s got some personal…” when it should be “Rick’s got some personal”
ReplyDeletePg. 24-25 – like the addition. Reminds my of Pyle’s death scene in Full Metal Jacket. Intense and creepy. Definitely lets the audience know something is up.
Pgs. 27-30 like the continuation of the aftermath of the cowboy’s suicide with the interactions between Truman, Kane and Merriman. I think this accounts more towards the dynamic of the story and characters than having Jacquie and Katie ramble on. Good stuff.
Pg. 32- Merriman “..I caught the end of it… it was something.” - nice dark humor here.
Pg. 34 – this little arc of the cowboy being complete here, I think really adds a sense of dread to the first act/early second act that was missing previously, and should help the payoff in the end.
Pg. 48 – I don’t know if this scene is as strong as it was previously. You took all the existentialism out of it, which made it stand out before. And for the priest slipping about the wife, I think you might be catering to the audience too much, its too easy of a consolation to what is really going on, especially after weirdness of the whole George Benson episode.
PG 52-53 – good added dialogue. Kind of similar to the previous scene tho, with the characters talkinga about/acting out what their implicit intentions are, instead of letting them naturally come out as the story unfolds.
Overall, I think the addition of the George Benson subplot help in building up the sense of dread, however, as just mentioned, I think you are spelling out too many things for the audience.
how about Vitality for the name of your script
ReplyDeleteHey Eric -
ReplyDeleteSo I've commented on all of your previous drafts as a whole and at this point in the game I'm just going to comment on the changes you've made for this cycle and leave the entire script comments for those that haven't commented on it at all yet. Here goes...
-First and foremost, I'm diggin the new title. It's like I gave it to you or something =) But in all seriousness, it hits the themes of your film while making sense to the story all while now becoming commercial.
-pg 17 - Not sure what all has changed here in the college kids' dialogue (I remember the scene but it seems different now), but it seems a lot more natural this go 'round. I really like the fact you have Josh stepping up and being more assertive. It was needed for his character. My only issue is the scene goes on a little long. Might wanna consider trimming it a bit.
-pg 19 - In the 'shoot out' scene I'd go out on the creepy sketched out old man. You introduce something isn't right with him but I'd end the scene reiterating that so it sticks with the audience/reader. Right now it just seems like the guy is an asshole for not bowing and is scared of the sign hitting him when it falls.
-pg 24 - I like this new scene. A lot. I do think you need to tweak something about it though to bring it to it's full potential. I think when George walks in you have Kane make some comment about the guy being from the show then when George points his gun have Kane make another sarcastic comment about the guy taking his role a little serious or something, thinking that it's a prop revolver. Then Truman gets a little freaked out b/c he KNOWS this isn't in the show and that's what triggers Kane and Merriman to draw their guns and the standoff ensues. That way you can add more beats to the scene so it's not all one note and when the suspense hits it'll hit harder. (PS- who is the 'he' George is talking about at the beginning of the scene? hope that pays off later)
-pg 27 - I don't think you need the exchange with the coroner at the beginning of the scene. It just seems unnecessary.
-pg 29 - I think you need to allude to Merriman's son's death here. This will give reason that Merriman thinks they should 'tread lightly' and knows people 'do crazy things' when a loved one dies. Don't come out and say it but hinting at something here would make his motivations not to dig deeper right away more believable b/c he's been there before.
-pg 29 - At the opening of the scene when Kane is questioning what George said I think you need to have Kane ask who the 'he' George mentioned is. We find out later it's Gabriel but having George ask where someone is before he shoots himself would be something the agents would want to know about.
-pg 34 - If Desperado is as small of a town as you want us to believe wouldn't word have spread about George's suicide? Having Anne (and others in questioning scenes) know what happened might give these scenes a whole new layer.
ReplyDelete-pg 37 - I don't think you need the flash insert here. Just giving a line of description like 'Kane is dying to say something about what he saw earlier' would do it. That flash seems too random and would distract the audience.
-pg 47 - In the priest's dialogue about how he knew George Benson and how there are good people in this town, I think it would be cool if you had him say something like 'the people in this town are good. i assure you there are MONSTERS in this world but they are far from here.' Something like this would make the audience and Kane think he's talking about people who do bad things but then BAM there's a real fucking monster at the end of the movie. Could be a cool tie in and another thing like the oil painting to keep monsters in the audience's mind subconsciously.
-pg 52 - Nice job working in Merriman's skepticism about Kane's theory. I was just thinking why wouldn't Merriman be taking him serious at this point, but that was a nice touch.
All in all the new additions to the first half are good. I like where your head is at. I do think some of them need to be tweaked a little (i.e. my comments) so that they really complete your story. If and when you make those changes I think you'll have a script that will definitely find a home somewhere in Hollywood. I do feel the need to warn you again, like I've been saying since you originally told me about this idea, you need to be prepared that most people aren't going to 'get' the third act twist of the creature. Managers, agents, producers, or whoever will read this script will be jarred by something so different popping up on page 80. If I were you before you do anything with this I'd go back and reread the entire thing looking solely for places to hint at the creature/monster. You started doing it over the last few drafts but I think you need to find a couple more to justify that twist. It's gonna be the difference between it ending up as a SyFy Channel movie of the week or something on the big screen. And I know both you and I want to see this on the big screen.
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ReplyDeleteThe additions that you made build the tension well, like the cowboy who kills himself. I do think that Merriman and Kane would have contacted their department after that, and would have daily check ups on progress. Also I still wish that the two would have lived but thats just a preference think because the characters are so well written. Great work, great writing, great characters.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is late!
ReplyDeleteLOVE the George Benson addition! I also think the conversation between Kane and the Priest works a lot better this time around.
Pg. 47- "And from what I've seen and heard today." should be comma into the next sentence, not it's own sentence.
Pg. 87- "That was the blood ON his hands."
A few other minor grammar/typos/errors. Print off a copy and have somebody proof read it with a red pen before you submit it anywhere. Great job!!
Overall looks great, but to try and keep on cutting it down in some places, particularly around your first act and stuff. I just feel it will be tighter overall in the final result and it will pay off.
ReplyDeleteAs for the title goes, I don't know how permanent you are with it just because i know you have changed it in the past, but i kinda think that it is a little bit on the dramatic side, lol, which your piece is very dramatic but having it be so explicit in the title could hurt the project. Maybe something along the lines of Exit to Desperado just because i love the idea of the play-on words of Despair and Despair-ado, haha.
Great job! and keep it up!
Camiolo, this was awesome. The final act is one giant tension ride!
ReplyDeleteTwo biggest things i love about this script - the fact that it leaves itself open to sequels - and the un-happy ending. Awesome.
way to pimp this one out, i dont have much to add outside of what others already have.