Hey James! I think you are getting the right idea by narrowing it down. The story flows better than ever and that will help you make things easier on your production. There is a line on page 6 that says, "I'm so tweaked." I think you should change it to spooked or some equivalent. Tweaked suggested drugs to me. I dont think that is what you were intending with how it sounds. Other than that I feel like it is pretty solid. You just need to get out there and shoot it! Cheers dude! -JJ
Something that's bothered me about your recent drafts (that I probably should have mentioned before) is that in the script you mention that Shaun is 'dragged into the house.' By what? There's no one else there. It worked well when his friend was with him, but now I don't know what's dragging him - it implies something physically taking hold and pulling him involuntarily toward the house.
If I were Kyle and Bruce I'd be worried there was some pissed-off vagrant in there. Since Bruce comes across as a little buffoonish as opposed to Kyle, maybe you can have Bruce worried about a haunted house and Kyle worried about the vagrants.
SInce the script has a creature in it I guess you're not doing a possession story after all?
I do like how you have it end with a fist pound, though.
I like your beginning. Starting with the boys gearing up to go in the house is strong.
P.2 Shaun- “Your kidding” should be “you’re” Same on p. 3 with Bruce’s dialog. P.9- “kyles” should be Kyle’s
I thought it was funny that Bruce couldn’t figure out how to get the hose working. I love how over the top the opening scene is. I’m glad the boys actually used the silly string. Random criticism- I’m not sure if I believe Bruce thinks “unicorns” has a nice ring to it. I’d expect him to accuse it of being girly or gay rather than praising it.
I think this script works with the bookended ice cream shop scene being cut. We still understand what’s going on and can see that Shaun earns the respect of his brother with the fist bump. Good job, I look forward to seeing the footage, especially with how you treat the fight scenes.
I really like where the story's at. The "unicorn" bit could work, depending on casting, production design. If these are a bunch of real dorks, you might be able to pull it off. I'd like to see some really nerdy t-shirts on these kids. (See thinkgeek.com, geeklabel.com, snorgtees.com, etc). My only concern is that the story still feels slim somehow. I love that it ends with the fist pound, since that wraps up the story a bit, but I almost feel like it still lacks a certain something to give it that extra edge. Maybe something having to do with the weapons, or something, since that joke is a bit of a loose thread. That's about all I can add. Can't wait to see it shot.
I'm glad you've gotten your script down to a more quickly paced story that can take place all inside and outside of a single location, which will definitely help production-wise as far as shooting goes not having to worry about moving from location to location.
The fist pound is still a favorite of mine and I hope it comes out as well in the film as it does in my head while going through the script. I agree with Tim as far as wardrobe seeing as all of these kids have a geeky immaturity about them.
Otherwise not much else to say, can't wait to see some footage!
I really liked this version of the script. It's tight, fast paced, funny, scary, and well plotted.
My only concern is still during the monster sequence. I think you've got the pacing right this go 'round, I'm just concerned about 2-3 minutes of pure POV (that is if you do all POV like you stated in the script). This might get a little monatonous as an audience member and be really difficult to pull off when shooting. Don't get me wrong, I love the POV idea and how it's used in films like the Evil Dead. I'd just keep this in mind when shooting and maybe get some other coverage of that sequence.
Overall, good stuff man and I'm excited to see some footage. Good luck shooting.
Nice Work!! I agree that the script is a lot better being shortened down as much as it is. It's short and sweet. Unfortunately I do not have any other comments other than that I am really looking forward to editing it. We need to meet up soon to discuss the shooting schedule and stuff. I am interested to know your shot list. Have you decided what you will be filming on?
"Like slaying a dragon, you must be worthy of it." "Sounds all elite, mythical, badass." "We're not a bunch of D&D nerds, man."
As far as Zach's comment goes: I don't know what you're thinking of for the shot of Shaun getting dragged inside the house, but I don't think we need to see whatever does the dragging, if it's dark inside the doorway. That's part of the reason his brother freaks out so much, right?
I'm picturing the creature scene starting on Pg 8 as alternating between the POV shots and reaction shots of the guys, but it's hard not to see some kind of creature in my mind. Is there any chance you can give us a storyboard or shot list for this scene? I'm especially thinking of the moments while he is on top of Kyle.
I love the ending. Just enough to signal that the story's over but still leaves me wanting more. Great job!
Hey James!
ReplyDeleteI think you are getting the right idea by narrowing it down. The story flows better than ever and that will help you make things easier on your production. There is a line on page 6 that says, "I'm so tweaked." I think you should change it to spooked or some equivalent. Tweaked suggested drugs to me. I dont think that is what you were intending with how it sounds. Other than that I feel like it is pretty solid. You just need to get out there and shoot it! Cheers dude!
-JJ
James:
ReplyDeleteSomething that's bothered me about your recent drafts (that I probably should have mentioned before) is that in the script you mention that Shaun is 'dragged into the house.' By what? There's no one else there. It worked well when his friend was with him, but now I don't know what's dragging him - it implies something physically taking hold and pulling him involuntarily toward the house.
If I were Kyle and Bruce I'd be worried there was some pissed-off vagrant in there. Since Bruce comes across as a little buffoonish as opposed to Kyle, maybe you can have Bruce worried about a haunted house and Kyle worried about the vagrants.
SInce the script has a creature in it I guess you're not doing a possession story after all?
I do like how you have it end with a fist pound, though.
I like your beginning. Starting with the boys gearing up to go in the house is strong.
ReplyDeleteP.2
Shaun- “Your kidding” should be “you’re”
Same on p. 3 with Bruce’s dialog.
P.9- “kyles” should be Kyle’s
I thought it was funny that Bruce couldn’t figure out how to get the hose working. I love how over the top the opening scene is. I’m glad the boys actually used the silly string.
Random criticism- I’m not sure if I believe Bruce thinks “unicorns” has a nice ring to it. I’d expect him to accuse it of being girly or gay rather than praising it.
I think this script works with the bookended ice cream shop scene being cut. We still understand what’s going on and can see that Shaun earns the respect of his brother with the fist bump. Good job, I look forward to seeing the footage, especially with how you treat the fight scenes.
On the unicorns thing- maybe you could have him talk about a dragon instead? Just an idea!
ReplyDeleteI really like where the story's at. The "unicorn" bit could work, depending on casting, production design. If these are a bunch of real dorks, you might be able to pull it off. I'd like to see some really nerdy t-shirts on these kids. (See thinkgeek.com, geeklabel.com, snorgtees.com, etc). My only concern is that the story still feels slim somehow. I love that it ends with the fist pound, since that wraps up the story a bit, but I almost feel like it still lacks a certain something to give it that extra edge. Maybe something having to do with the weapons, or something, since that joke is a bit of a loose thread. That's about all I can add. Can't wait to see it shot.
ReplyDeleteHey James
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've gotten your script down to a more quickly paced story that can take place all inside and outside of a single location, which will definitely help production-wise as far as shooting goes not having to worry about moving from location to location.
The fist pound is still a favorite of mine and I hope it comes out as well in the film as it does in my head while going through the script. I agree with Tim as far as wardrobe seeing as all of these kids have a geeky immaturity about them.
Otherwise not much else to say, can't wait to see some footage!
Hey James...
ReplyDeleteI really liked this version of the script. It's tight, fast paced, funny, scary, and well plotted.
My only concern is still during the monster sequence. I think you've got the pacing right this go 'round, I'm just concerned about 2-3 minutes of pure POV (that is if you do all POV like you stated in the script). This might get a little monatonous as an audience member and be really difficult to pull off when shooting. Don't get me wrong, I love the POV idea and how it's used in films like the Evil Dead. I'd just keep this in mind when shooting and maybe get some other coverage of that sequence.
Overall, good stuff man and I'm excited to see some footage. Good luck shooting.
Nice Work!! I agree that the script is a lot better being shortened down as much as it is. It's short and sweet. Unfortunately I do not have any other comments other than that I am really looking forward to editing it. We need to meet up soon to discuss the shooting schedule and stuff. I am interested to know your shot list. Have you decided what you will be filming on?
ReplyDeletePg 2 "latter" = "later" & "putts" = "puts"
ReplyDeleteI agree that unicorns should be dragons.
"Like slaying a dragon, you must be worthy of it."
"Sounds all elite, mythical, badass."
"We're not a bunch of D&D nerds, man."
As far as Zach's comment goes: I don't know what you're thinking of for the shot of Shaun getting dragged inside the house, but I don't think we need to see whatever does the dragging, if it's dark inside the doorway. That's part of the reason his brother freaks out so much, right?
I'm picturing the creature scene starting on Pg 8 as alternating between the POV shots and reaction shots of the guys, but it's hard not to see some kind of creature in my mind. Is there any chance you can give us a storyboard or shot list for this scene? I'm especially thinking of the moments while he is on top of Kyle.
I love the ending. Just enough to signal that the story's over but still leaves me wanting more. Great job!