Two scripts posted, Zombies which has the completed ending (not grammar checked yet, but is being done this weekend) And Flying Car which is a brand new script and what I would intend to be the first season finale (6mo-1yr after the events of the pilot) This one has been grammar checked, thanks Zack!
The flying car doesn't appear till the very end of the episode. I definitely think you need to intro it much earlier, making more jokes towards the government, even having an E.T. scene where the car flies away (like the bike).
The African kids can be funnier. Maybe when they got the box the find the $5 bills but use them for toilet paper, since they've never seen money before.
I think that Jim-Bob's reasons for wanting the rocket and space station plans need to be crazier. Maybe he makes a Maguyver type device that will explain the secrets of LOST or make Ben Stiller funny or make Danica Patrick attractive or make the WNBA relevant.
Everything else is funny, I just think the FLYING CAR needs to be a bigger part of the episode.
ZOMBIES
The ending is very fun and enjoyable, yet you still have some grammar mistakes.
Dude the Zombie killing stuff was awesome, I started laughing at the last few lines. Totally works on both the cool and funny front. Loved it and wanna see it.
P. 15 -"Jess has an old school Nintendo * Duck Hunt light gun." - hahaha, great stuff.
P. 17 - "BRAD They didn’t have Gilbert Gottfried Sings the Blues." - ditto.
Overall, liked your additions and writing of the ending of Zombies, consistently funny throughout, nicely paced.
FLYING CARS
Like your other episodes, this one hits on all cylinders on the comedy front. There really isn't alot that is necessary to say about the plot or narrative as this sort of series seems more in the vein of family guy, which is to say its more dependent on jokes and comedic timing than anything else. However, that said, I think this series would greatly benefit from an additional main character- someone who is perhaps the complete foil to mic and brad, as that will help round out things and give for more character on character conflict (think Meg in Family Guy).
I'll reiterate the grammar problems but I gotta say, it's not the worst I've seen, even in this class. Solid ending for Zombies, well done.
Thank you for making fun of Prison Break... just... thank you.
I liked Flying Car but I am worried that some of your jokes are going to end up horribly dated by the time you start producing any of this. That's something you'll have to fix at that time, though. At least we get to see that you are capable of making timely relevant jokes.
Can't wait to see your proof of concept! Do we already have the scene you're going to be making?
Okay so... Zombies. Not a lot to say there. Your bad-ass finale flowed really nicely and was well structured. My only beef (pun intended) was Jess' break up line seems pretty unnecessary. I think all you need there is her line about 'why do I hang out with you guys' and everyone will get the point. Oh and the 'plan B' button. I really liked the fact that the button was actually labeled 'Plan B' but I don't think you need the line underneath it about 'push this I don't really care' or whatever it was. The 'Plan B' is the quick laugh you're looking for and I think the extra line is a little overkill and takes away from the quick sting (unless the extra line is related to something earlier in the script I missed).
And now for the Flying Car... The salt like at the opening? Does that have anything to do with anything else the rest of the episode? If not it's just kind of a weird opening. Might want to rethink that. Second, the africa montage. It's really only two separate scenes so I'm not sure if you need to highlight it as a montage. Just maybe do a "cut to:" or something. Having the word montage then it be so short was pretty distracting. Lastly, on pg. 8 when they're at the Ford dealership I think you could play with some other dealerships like GM and Chrystler and their bankruptcies. Throw in some more jokes at their expense ya know...
Other than that the last 20 some pages were really well worked out and really funny. I loved the Prison Break joke too. Finally someone used it. Nice work. I think 'Flying Car' is your best written episode yet (besides those minor things I mentioned).
Zombies: Except grammar, no changes. None whatsoever.
Flying Car: I loved the salt lick opening, but I've gotta agree with Mike, it feels awkward for it not to be related to anything else. Maybe it has something to do with the fuel one which the car runs. Maybe they make a deal with a shady salt dealer who solves something for them. It feels like a major character element that deserves more than a single montage - this could be dealt with officially in this episode, but could return in the future. I also agree with Tim that Flying Car feels like an appropriate place to introduce a recurring character or major secondary character. Personally, I felt like this episode wasn't as well-crafted as Zombies, but was still fun.
Good manufacturer to make fun of: Toyota. Go for it.
Love the ballroom blitz singing going with the zombie killing, it read like a really fun scene so good ending. Also liked how the zombie was the last bit of dialogue with the "sweet" at the end there, nice touch!
I love reading your episodes. I really hope we get to see this animated and shown either on TV or the internet or somewhere else because it is quality stuff. That said, here are my notes:
Zombies:
pg. 17: The first sentence. Huh? My mind exploded trying to figure out what that meant.
pg. 16: Black guy and teenage white woman. I think this joke might go over people's head unless you make it visual. Include the quick cut to them standing there with a bunch of sleeping zombies. Maybe have the black guy say “Aw hell nah” like Will Smith.
pg. 23: You don’t need another line for Jess to address Brad, just a parenthetical.
General Notes: Keep working on that grammar. There are times that I only understood what you were getting at because I know how your twisted mind works. However, it is much better than before.
Flying Car:
pg. 7: Again, don’t need two lines of the same character, just use the parenthetical.
pg. 8: Significant glance? Significant of what?
pg. 12: Showing the game of space baseball doesn’t work for me. It was enough for the news guy to mention it, but I don’t need to see it.
pg. 13: I don’t get the joke about the agent coming back for the high five.
pg. 18: Don’t explain the Friends joke. Are you going to explain it in the actual show? If the reader doesn’t get it already the joke isn’t relevant.
pg. 19: Mic remembers; are you going to use a flashback or a thought bubble? There’s no way for us to see what Mic is remembering.
Two scripts posted, Zombies which has the completed ending (not grammar checked yet, but is being done this weekend)
ReplyDeleteAnd Flying Car which is a brand new script and what I would intend to be the first season finale (6mo-1yr after the events of the pilot)
This one has been grammar checked, thanks Zack!
Brett,
ReplyDeleteFLYING CAR
The flying car doesn't appear till the very end of the episode. I definitely think you need to intro it much earlier, making more jokes towards the government, even having an E.T. scene where the car flies away (like the bike).
The African kids can be funnier. Maybe when they got the box the find the $5 bills but use them for toilet paper, since they've never seen money before.
I think that Jim-Bob's reasons for wanting the rocket and space station plans need to be crazier. Maybe he makes a Maguyver type device that will explain the secrets of LOST or make Ben Stiller funny or make Danica Patrick attractive or make the WNBA relevant.
Everything else is funny, I just think the FLYING CAR needs to be a bigger part of the episode.
ZOMBIES
The ending is very fun and enjoyable, yet you still have some grammar mistakes.
Dude the Zombie killing stuff was awesome, I started laughing at the last few lines. Totally works on both the cool and funny front. Loved it and wanna see it.
ReplyDeleteZOMBIES:
ReplyDeleteP. 15 -"Jess has an old school Nintendo *
Duck Hunt light gun." - hahaha, great stuff.
P. 17 - "BRAD
They didn’t have Gilbert Gottfried
Sings the Blues." - ditto.
Overall, liked your additions and writing of the ending of Zombies, consistently funny throughout, nicely paced.
FLYING CARS
Like your other episodes, this one hits on all cylinders on the comedy front. There really isn't alot that is necessary to say about the plot or narrative as this sort of series seems more in the vein of family guy, which is to say its more dependent on jokes and comedic timing than anything else. However, that said, I think this series would greatly benefit from an additional main character- someone who is perhaps the complete foil to mic and brad, as that will help round out things and give for more character on character conflict (think Meg in Family Guy).
I'll reiterate the grammar problems but I gotta say, it's not the worst I've seen, even in this class. Solid ending for Zombies, well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you for making fun of Prison Break... just... thank you.
I liked Flying Car but I am worried that some of your jokes are going to end up horribly dated by the time you start producing any of this. That's something you'll have to fix at that time, though. At least we get to see that you are capable of making timely relevant jokes.
Can't wait to see your proof of concept! Do we already have the scene you're going to be making?
Okay so... Zombies. Not a lot to say there. Your bad-ass finale flowed really nicely and was well structured. My only beef (pun intended) was Jess' break up line seems pretty unnecessary. I think all you need there is her line about 'why do I hang out with you guys' and everyone will get the point. Oh and the 'plan B' button. I really liked the fact that the button was actually labeled 'Plan B' but I don't think you need the line underneath it about 'push this I don't really care' or whatever it was. The 'Plan B' is the quick laugh you're looking for and I think the extra line is a little overkill and takes away from the quick sting (unless the extra line is related to something earlier in the script I missed).
ReplyDeleteAnd now for the Flying Car...
The salt like at the opening? Does that have anything to do with anything else the rest of the episode? If not it's just kind of a weird opening. Might want to rethink that.
Second, the africa montage. It's really only two separate scenes so I'm not sure if you need to highlight it as a montage. Just maybe do a "cut to:" or something. Having the word montage then it be so short was pretty distracting.
Lastly, on pg. 8 when they're at the Ford dealership I think you could play with some other dealerships like GM and Chrystler and their bankruptcies. Throw in some more jokes at their expense ya know...
Other than that the last 20 some pages were really well worked out and really funny. I loved the Prison Break joke too. Finally someone used it. Nice work. I think 'Flying Car' is your best written episode yet (besides those minor things I mentioned).
Zombies: Except grammar, no changes. None whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteFlying Car: I loved the salt lick opening, but I've gotta agree with Mike, it feels awkward for it not to be related to anything else. Maybe it has something to do with the fuel one which the car runs. Maybe they make a deal with a shady salt dealer who solves something for them. It feels like a major character element that deserves more than a single montage - this could be dealt with officially in this episode, but could return in the future. I also agree with Tim that Flying Car feels like an appropriate place to introduce a recurring character or major secondary character. Personally, I felt like this episode wasn't as well-crafted as Zombies, but was still fun.
Good manufacturer to make fun of: Toyota. Go for it.
Hey Brett!
ReplyDeleteLove the ballroom blitz singing going with the zombie killing, it read like a really fun scene so good ending. Also liked how the zombie was the last bit of dialogue with the "sweet" at the end there, nice touch!
I love reading your episodes. I really hope we get to see this animated and shown either on TV or the internet or somewhere else because it is quality stuff. That said, here are my notes:
ReplyDeleteZombies:
pg. 17: The first sentence. Huh? My mind exploded trying to figure out what that meant.
pg. 16: Black guy and teenage white woman. I think this joke might go over people's head unless you make it visual. Include the quick cut to them standing there with a bunch of sleeping zombies. Maybe have the black guy say “Aw hell nah” like Will Smith.
pg. 23: You don’t need another line for Jess to address Brad, just a parenthetical.
General Notes: Keep working on that grammar. There are times that I only understood what you were getting at because I know how your twisted mind works. However, it is much better than before.
Flying Car:
pg. 7: Again, don’t need two lines of the same character, just use the parenthetical.
pg. 8: Significant glance? Significant of what?
pg. 12: Showing the game of space baseball doesn’t work for me. It was enough for the news guy to mention it, but I don’t need to see it.
pg. 13: I don’t get the joke about the agent coming back for the high five.
pg. 18: Don’t explain the Friends joke. Are you going to explain it in the actual show? If the reader doesn’t get it already the joke isn’t relevant.
pg. 19: Mic remembers; are you going to use a flashback or a thought bubble? There’s no way for us to see what Mic is remembering.
Again, great stuff B. Keep at it.