Hey Michael. I really enjoyed the additions to your script this cycle. As before your characters feel very true to themselves and I think that the dialog and motivations flow really really well. Grammar was also great for like 98% of the time so there is not much there for improving. The story feels pretty good so far but it is hard for me to give too many comments because your story is at a critical junction. Not to mention I need a little bit of time to soak it up. At times I wondered a lot about Emily's character. She felt like a 3rd wheel quite a bit. I also wonder how much she is contributing to the overall story as she is in this with them.(Lindsay and Jason) Are you going to include a scene that maybe addresses the tension between Lindsay and Jason (sexual or otherwise). I think that possibly my biggest gripe, and I have to say that although it is my opinion and totally subjective,(In fact I think you are a fabulous writer and I rather enjoyed reading your script) My biggest gripe is that I don't feel like the stakes are high enough, early enough. Perhaps making the characters go through something that makes them more paranoid, more life threatening? I feel that somewhere around page 50 the stakes need to get even higher. I hope this helps. I know it is my opinion but I definitely need to read the whole thing to get the whole effect. you know... Take Care, Great work!
On page 38 when Emily says, "That's a really tasteless joke." upon seeing the picture message of Ryan taped up and bloody, I don't think that line works/fits. I think she'd be a little more pissed/scared and come back with something more impactful than "tasteless."
Minor grammar, page 51, you say "the stops" instead of "then stops." Pg 57. "She's He looks down at the screen."
I think Emily needs to be more involved in that scene with Maria. If the three of them are supposed to be there trying to get an internship she would have to contribute, and right now she says nothing in that scene. If Jason is at a loss for words upon seeing and hearing the info about his mother's murder then you could easily insert Emily's opinion the way you do Lindsay's in that scene. It should be them covering his shock so Maria doesn't catch on to anything.
I also think, totally subjective here, that things need to get crazier early on. Maybe we find out that Emily disappears earlier and get a picture message of her messed up so that Lindsay gets even deeper involved, or we get a crazier picture of Ryan even more brutalized. Right now you have William appear in minimal scenes. To up the tension maybe you could have Jason run into William between the time he goes to his office and before they meet for the showdown at the cliffs. So we can see that paranoia and life threatening stakes that JJ was talking about.
Overall: Pretty good. I want to see the rest. You know that I'm all about intense, life or death, kill or be killed situations, but the fact that you continually up the stakes and increase the tension without killing anyone off until the end is very impressive. Even in your flick Disturbia they had to IMPLY deaths to keep things going but here you are keeping me invested without that, so very good job.
P. 41 - "JASON He keeps messaging me from a blocked number. I respond to any of his texts. " - that last line doesn't make any sense, maybe - "I've been trying to respond to his texts?"
p. 43 - "MARIA VELAZQUEZ (CONT’D) Well hello there." - that line seems to be out of place tone wise and character wise. Seems like she is more amused at it than anything else, rather than seriously interested.
p. 51 - Maria justs lets them leave without at least following them down the stairs outside? It seems like she lets them go too easily.
-I agree with Eric, I think Emily needs a bigger part in the Maria scene, as she kind of disappears. A line or two or some physical descriptions should fix that.
Overall thoughts:
Your writing of this 2nd act is very well done. It read very easily, is crystal clear in its message and the dialogue is believable. There really isn't much to say at this point, besides those little things and the fact that I still maintain that there needs to be a more believable reason for Ryan to put Jason through the whole ordeal, but that is just my opinion. Good job man.
Great story great pacing. Other then what was talked about in class about the stakes needing to be higher the one part of the story that kind of took me out of it a bit was when he meets the reporter that has been doing the story on his mothers death. If she had been doing research on the murder there is no way she would not have known what Jason looked like, and even probably would have meet him. That can actually be an interesting dynamic and relationship between Jason and the reporter, but right now it for me is not quite believable and the rest of the script is to good to let this go. Great job man.
Hey Michael. I really enjoyed the additions to your script this cycle. As before your characters feel very true to themselves and I think that the dialog and motivations flow really really well. Grammar was also great for like 98% of the time so there is not much there for improving. The story feels pretty good so far but it is hard for me to give too many comments because your story is at a critical junction. Not to mention I need a little bit of time to soak it up. At times I wondered a lot about Emily's character. She felt like a 3rd wheel quite a bit. I also wonder how much she is contributing to the overall story as she is in this with them.(Lindsay and Jason) Are you going to include a scene that maybe addresses the tension between Lindsay and Jason (sexual or otherwise). I think that possibly my biggest gripe, and I have to say that although it is my opinion and totally subjective,(In fact I think you are a fabulous writer and I rather enjoyed reading your script) My biggest gripe is that I don't feel like the stakes are high enough, early enough. Perhaps making the characters go through something that makes them more paranoid, more life threatening? I feel that somewhere around page 50 the stakes need to get even higher. I hope this helps. I know it is my opinion but I definitely need to read the whole thing to get the whole effect. you know... Take Care, Great work!
ReplyDeleteSee you in class,
-JJ
On page 38 when Emily says, "That's a really tasteless joke." upon seeing the picture message of Ryan taped up and bloody, I don't think that line works/fits. I think she'd be a little more pissed/scared and come back with something more impactful than "tasteless."
ReplyDeleteMinor grammar, page 51, you say "the stops" instead of "then stops."
Pg 57. "She's He looks down at the screen."
I think Emily needs to be more involved in that scene with Maria. If the three of them are supposed to be there trying to get an internship she would have to contribute, and right now she says nothing in that scene. If Jason is at a loss for words upon seeing and hearing the info about his mother's murder then you could easily insert Emily's opinion the way you do Lindsay's in that scene. It should be them covering his shock so Maria doesn't catch on to anything.
I also think, totally subjective here, that things need to get crazier early on. Maybe we find out that Emily disappears earlier and get a picture message of her messed up so that Lindsay gets even deeper involved, or we get a crazier picture of Ryan even more brutalized. Right now you have William appear in minimal scenes. To up the tension maybe you could have Jason run into William between the time he goes to his office and before they meet for the showdown at the cliffs. So we can see that paranoia and life threatening stakes that JJ was talking about.
Overall: Pretty good. I want to see the rest. You know that I'm all about intense, life or death, kill or be killed situations, but the fact that you continually up the stakes and increase the tension without killing anyone off until the end is very impressive. Even in your flick Disturbia they had to IMPLY deaths to keep things going but here you are keeping me invested without that, so very good job.
Quick thoughts:
ReplyDeleteP. 41 - "JASON
He keeps messaging me from a
blocked number. I respond to any
of his texts. " - that last line doesn't make any sense, maybe - "I've been trying to respond to his texts?"
p. 43 - "MARIA VELAZQUEZ (CONT’D)
Well hello there." - that line seems to be out of place tone wise and character wise. Seems like she is more amused at it than anything else, rather than seriously interested.
p. 51 - Maria justs lets them leave without at least following them down the stairs outside? It seems like she lets them go too easily.
-I agree with Eric, I think Emily needs a bigger part in the Maria scene, as she kind of disappears. A line or two or some physical descriptions should fix that.
Overall thoughts:
Your writing of this 2nd act is very well done. It read very easily, is crystal clear in its message and the dialogue is believable. There really isn't much to say at this point, besides those little things and the fact that I still maintain that there needs to be a more believable reason for Ryan to put Jason through the whole ordeal, but that is just my opinion. Good job man.
Great story great pacing. Other then what was talked about in class about the stakes needing to be higher the one part of the story that kind of took me out of it a bit was when he meets the reporter that has been doing the story on his mothers death. If she had been doing research on the murder there is no way she would not have known what Jason looked like, and even probably would have meet him. That can actually be an interesting dynamic and relationship between Jason and the reporter, but right now it for me is not quite believable and the rest of the script is to good to let this go. Great job man.
ReplyDelete