The changes in the whole Ryan dialogue/confession all work now.
I like 98% of your additions. 3 suggestions though.
Pg 87: Lindsay and Emily take off running. Ryan shoots and they stop dead. Still have him shoot, but they don't stop. Ryan tracks them down and TACKLES Lindsay. This causes Em too stop. Ryan gets up and has the gun half trained on Lindsay. Wouldn't this intensify really stir Jason's shit up? Lindsay can break away and what not. But that extra moment where we would think that Ryan would really kill Lindsay would GO A LONG WAY.
The ending with the whole wrist watch. It's straight out of DIE HARD. Like EXACTLY the same. Watch it, you'll know what I mean. This is an OVER EXAGGERATED COMPARISON but it's like me saying "Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown" at the end of my screenplay or something. It NEEDS to be changed, it won't fly.
PERSONALLY, I'd like to see Jason smoke William like 4 times, then he falls in the water below. Jason and the others look over the edge and Jason says, "Guess he should have brought a life vest." Not really, but Jason shoots William as he's about to throw Thomas over, then one more bullet for good measure to send him into the water below. That or something like it would do. If they can get away with garden shears in Disturbia, you could get away with William's head exploding, or something like that.
Last, most minor thing. At the news studio at the end, can Emily/Thomas be there with Ryan. It isn't necessary, but I feel it would be a good touch so we get an EPILOGUE with all the living characters.
OVERALL: I like it. I'd watch it. It's a "genre picture" yes, but hell, you know what, those are what sell. And I think this has potential to do it.
The only thing that I could add to maybe tighten up the way the father dies is when Jason reaches down to save his father, he holds onto the watch that he gave his son. Jason undoes the watch which sends his father to his death. That is very poetic and a little Die Hard but it works. The only thing is, it doesn't make sense why Jason would extend his hand to his father in the first place. Maybe he could just grab a hold of Jason as he goes over? Otherwise you got that slow burn down. I would be cool to get a page or something of Ryan and Jason adjusting after the fathers death just for closure as well. Great job! It will make a good film.
Pg. 4 - “LINDSAY (CONT’D) Plus, you never know, you might still be surprised by a few thing.” – nice foreshadowing. Pg. 6 – “JACKIE (CONT’D) Oh, there was this one time the boys were playing hide-and-seek and Ryan couldn’t find Jason anywhere. He was so upset. He thought Jason wasn’t coming home. And these little crocodile tears started coming down those bright chubby red cheeks... I’m getting the pictures.” – like the addition of this. Goes a long way to helping preface the ending and Ryan’s actions culminating towards such.
Pgs. 20-26 – If you are looking to cut down your screenplay, I think these two scenes can definitely be shortened and/or omitted. We really don’t need to see Ryan graduate, nor need to have the dinner scene being as long as it is. I do like your subtle inclusions of Ryan looking up to Jason, and think those are important, and would keep those and trim around it. Pg. 28 – the added dialogue of Ryan’s comes off a little stiff. I think he is downplaying Jason’s leaving it too much. Pgs. 30-44 – Great start to act 2, not much to criticize here. Pg. 44 – Don’t understand the need of the added/changed dialogue between Shawn and Maria. Seems forced. Pg. 50 – good added tension and emotion with the description of Jason looking at the murder photos. Keeps the reader grounded to the seriousness of the situation. Pg. 52 – I still think the way that all three leave the station is awkward, despite the added description. I think Jason needs to blurt out a reason why he has to go to Maria or something along those lines before he leaves, as I don’t buy Maria just sitting there looking on “appraisingly” as they all three leave for no apparent reason.
Pgs. 59-60 – like the reference back to the flashlight. Brings the past to the forefront.
Pgs. – 67-79 – nice buildup and sustainment of tension. Should play out great on screen.
Third act – The many additions help smooth over any logical gaps that one might have had before with Ryan apparently turning crazy out of nowhere. However, some of it seems expositionary, in the vain of the ending of Psycho. I don’t quite know how to fix it however, as it IS necessary. Besides that, overall, I thought the additions/changes to the third act helped our screenplay overall. This is a very good, taut thriller.
The explanation of Ryan's need to hold onto the feelings until their mothers' death's anniversary makes sense and I love all the suspense throughout the piece.
The reveal of how thomas was semi-involved but was only trying to protect himself was great and I love how the watch that Jason's father gave him has such a huge impact in the eventual fate of William.
Great script, great work, congrats buddy I've got nothing more to say.
Part of me wants to disagree with Eric about the wristwatch at the end. But another, larger part is pretty sure he's very right. If you're okay with being accused of being a Die Hard rip-off, go for it. Otherwise... I'd try to weave something else in there.
For some reason I still cringe a lot in the third act. I don't like Ryan's little speech - which still comes off as whining to me. Did he suffer a lot of shit? Yes, yes he did. But I'd like to see him off the deep end. Right now I'm picturing the art department in this movie giving him goth make-up.
Also in the third act: William seems pretty stupid to just follow everything around by the nose. And although I guess this falls under the "refridgerator" moment, it's nice (read: very convenient) that he timed his arrival so perfectly.
The middle of the second act: You're trying to put them in jeopardy. I get it - I just don't think footsteps by the door qualifies as enough. I wish William had an accomplice.
I think my biggest problem in all of this is that Ryan's plan seems to go pretty much off without a hitch - even counting him nearly being choked. I mean, he'll wake up and then say, "well fuck yeah, I did it! Awesome!" He doesn't have an arc at all.
Overall looks great! but keep on trying to keep on cutting it down in some minor places here and there, particularly around your first act and stuff. I just feel that by doing that you will have a tighter overall end result and it will come out looking and feeling better. Great job! and you have come a very long way! I'm not sure if you are sticking to the title that you have now, but i do like it. It kind of seems a bit dramatic though, lol...so be careful. Maybe something more along the lines of Exit to Desperado just because i love the idea of the play on words with Despair and Despair-ado, haha...thought that would be cool, but yea...keep up the good work!
I'm happy with all of your additions so far, but I will say the little interaction between Maria and Shawn could use some polishing. It reminds me a lot of Matilda from Zoolander and the guy in her office who clearly has a huge crush on her.... anybody know what I'm talking about? Anyway, great work here Mike!!!
Yo Mike, I posted something on here on the 5th or 6th but looking again, apparently it ain't fricking here....
So to sum up what I said, great job so far, though I think Ryan is a bit of a pussy or a complainer.
Great job though otherwise, I hope this is what starts your career, that or those Pilots I see you've been working on from your chapters 13 & 14. Congrats
Mike,
ReplyDeleteThe changes in the whole Ryan dialogue/confession all work now.
I like 98% of your additions. 3 suggestions though.
Pg 87: Lindsay and Emily take off running. Ryan shoots and they stop dead. Still have him shoot, but they don't stop. Ryan tracks them down and TACKLES Lindsay. This causes Em too stop. Ryan gets up and has the gun half trained on Lindsay. Wouldn't this intensify really stir Jason's shit up? Lindsay can break away and what not. But that extra moment where we would think that Ryan would really kill Lindsay would GO A LONG WAY.
The ending with the whole wrist watch. It's straight out of DIE HARD. Like EXACTLY the same. Watch it, you'll know what I mean. This is an OVER EXAGGERATED COMPARISON but it's like me saying "Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown" at the end of my screenplay or something. It NEEDS to be changed, it won't fly.
PERSONALLY, I'd like to see Jason smoke William like 4 times, then he falls in the water below. Jason and the others look over the edge and Jason says, "Guess he should have brought a life vest." Not really, but Jason shoots William as he's about to throw Thomas over, then one more bullet for good measure to send him into the water below. That or something like it would do. If they can get away with garden shears in Disturbia, you could get away with William's head exploding, or something like that.
Last, most minor thing. At the news studio at the end, can Emily/Thomas be there with Ryan. It isn't necessary, but I feel it would be a good touch so we get an EPILOGUE with all the living characters.
OVERALL: I like it. I'd watch it. It's a "genre picture" yes, but hell, you know what, those are what sell. And I think this has potential to do it.
The only thing that I could add to maybe tighten up the way the father dies is when Jason reaches down to save his father, he holds onto the watch that he gave his son. Jason undoes the watch which sends his father to his death. That is very poetic and a little Die Hard but it works. The only thing is, it doesn't make sense why Jason would extend his hand to his father in the first place. Maybe he could just grab a hold of Jason as he goes over? Otherwise you got that slow burn down. I would be cool to get a page or something of Ryan and Jason adjusting after the fathers death just for closure as well. Great job! It will make a good film.
ReplyDeletePg. 4 - “LINDSAY (CONT’D)
ReplyDeletePlus, you never know, you might
still be surprised by a few thing.” – nice foreshadowing.
Pg. 6 – “JACKIE (CONT’D)
Oh, there was this one time the
boys were playing hide-and-seek and
Ryan couldn’t find Jason anywhere.
He was so upset. He thought Jason
wasn’t coming home. And these
little crocodile tears started
coming down those bright chubby red
cheeks... I’m getting the
pictures.” – like the addition of this. Goes a long way to helping preface the ending and Ryan’s actions culminating towards such.
Pgs. 20-26 – If you are looking to cut down your screenplay, I think these two scenes can definitely be shortened and/or omitted. We really don’t need to see Ryan graduate, nor need to have the dinner scene being as long as it is. I do like your subtle inclusions of Ryan looking up to Jason, and think those are important, and would keep those and trim around it.
Pg. 28 – the added dialogue of Ryan’s comes off a little stiff. I think he is downplaying Jason’s leaving it too much.
Pgs. 30-44 – Great start to act 2, not much to criticize here.
Pg. 44 – Don’t understand the need of the added/changed dialogue between Shawn and Maria. Seems forced.
Pg. 50 – good added tension and emotion with the description of Jason looking at the murder photos. Keeps the reader grounded to the seriousness of the situation.
Pg. 52 – I still think the way that all three leave the station is awkward, despite the added description. I think Jason needs to blurt out a reason why he has to go to Maria or something along those lines before he leaves, as I don’t buy Maria just sitting there looking on “appraisingly” as they all three leave for no apparent reason.
Pgs. 59-60 – like the reference back to the flashlight. Brings the past to the forefront.
Pgs. – 67-79 – nice buildup and sustainment of tension. Should play out great on screen.
Third act – The many additions help smooth over any logical gaps that one might have had before with Ryan apparently turning crazy out of nowhere. However, some of it seems expositionary, in the vain of the ending of Psycho. I don’t quite know how to fix it however, as it IS necessary. Besides that, overall, I thought the additions/changes to the third act helped our screenplay overall. This is a very good, taut thriller.
I love the script Michael, plain and simple.
ReplyDeleteThe explanation of Ryan's need to hold onto the feelings until their mothers' death's anniversary makes sense and I love all the suspense throughout the piece.
The reveal of how thomas was semi-involved but was only trying to protect himself was great and I love how the watch that Jason's father gave him has such a huge impact in the eventual fate of William.
Great script, great work, congrats buddy I've got nothing more to say.
hey buddy,
ReplyDeletepage 10-Jackie "thank you mom for planning..." i think you mean thank your mom...
Page 17-William line "Well, alright" seems unnecessary
I enjoyed it. I felt you establish good characters and kept me engaged in continuing to read. You kept the tension up.
Hey Mike:
ReplyDeleteYou tidied up nicely here. However -
Part of me wants to disagree with Eric about the wristwatch at the end. But another, larger part is pretty sure he's very right. If you're okay with being accused of being a Die Hard rip-off, go for it. Otherwise... I'd try to weave something else in there.
For some reason I still cringe a lot in the third act. I don't like Ryan's little speech - which still comes off as whining to me. Did he suffer a lot of shit? Yes, yes he did. But I'd like to see him off the deep end. Right now I'm picturing the art department in this movie giving him goth make-up.
Also in the third act: William seems pretty stupid to just follow everything around by the nose. And although I guess this falls under the "refridgerator" moment, it's nice (read: very convenient) that he timed his arrival so perfectly.
The middle of the second act: You're trying to put them in jeopardy. I get it - I just don't think footsteps by the door qualifies as enough. I wish William had an accomplice.
I think my biggest problem in all of this is that Ryan's plan seems to go pretty much off without a hitch - even counting him nearly being choked. I mean, he'll wake up and then say, "well fuck yeah, I did it! Awesome!" He doesn't have an arc at all.
Overall though - solid genre script.
Pg. 97- Thomas let's go of Jason -- typo?
ReplyDeleteI agree with with everyone else about the whole wrist watch/ Die Hard thing.
Awesome work though! I really enjoyed reading it.
Overall looks great! but keep on trying to keep on cutting it down in some minor places here and there, particularly around your first act and stuff. I just feel that by doing that you will have a tighter overall end result and it will come out looking and feeling better.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! and you have come a very long way!
I'm not sure if you are sticking to the title that you have now, but i do like it. It kind of seems a bit dramatic though, lol...so be careful. Maybe something more along the lines of Exit to Desperado just because i love the idea of the play on words with Despair and Despair-ado, haha...thought that would be cool, but yea...keep up the good work!
Sorry this is so late!!!
ReplyDeletePg.84- "brother's" should be "brothers."
I'm happy with all of your additions so far, but I will say the little interaction between Maria and Shawn could use some polishing. It reminds me a lot of Matilda from Zoolander and the guy in her office who clearly has a huge crush on her.... anybody know what I'm talking about? Anyway, great work here Mike!!!
Yo Mike, I posted something on here on the 5th or 6th but looking again, apparently it ain't fricking here....
ReplyDeleteSo to sum up what I said, great job so far, though I think Ryan is a bit of a pussy or a complainer.
Great job though otherwise, I hope this is what starts your career, that or those Pilots I see you've been working on from your chapters 13 & 14. Congrats