David- The only character description I see in your script is that William is in his mid 40’s. Could you include a quick blurb for Ryan and Sara? The description you have for Sara is that she’s a beautiful girl. Remember, not everyone has the same definition of beautiful.
On page 6, I think you should have blurbs of Ryan trying to get a word in with his father when he claims that all he does is chase girls and play video games, and have another note saying that his father won’t let him get a word in edgewise.
P. 8- Ryan: “Yeah? I …worked out before I got here.” What? Sara asked how he is and he told her he just worked out? I feel like a piece of the conversation is missing here.
I feel like the script is really starting to come together. Good work.
Not much to say as the script seems relatively the same from what I can remember, but i'll be nitpicky like I've been with everyone else's scripts.
Page 4 - when the Support group leader says the "frown upon people who does not take this seriously" it feels almost rude. I've never been to a support group other than what i've seen in things like "Fight Club" so I may be of the wrong assumption but I feel like people in the group would be sensitive as it is and having the leader say that may break them, even though they are taking the session seriously. I can see it making sense though when you think of someone who may have gone there out of some kind of rude joke or something, so I guess it is up to you whether you want to take that info haha.
I like Ryan's feeling change and semi-redemption at his mother's grave at the end as well.
Nothing much else to say, can't wait to see footage!
Geo - That portion of the script is actually going to be re-worked with an actual support leader, and agreed, it was based mainly on second hand type of knowledge.
Sam- Thanks
Mel - The characters you will see shortly, I.e. the movie is cast and will be shot in 3 weeks. But you are correct, there is no identifying adjectives for Ryan an Sara, I must have written them in the FMjournal and forgot to add to script. No piece missing from conversation, I want that to be an awkward statement that he comes up with out of no where as an excuse of some sort.
David. LEAPS AND BOUNDS BETTER! I like that you are inter-cutting between the flashbacks and the story Ryan is telling. I also think you are doing a great job with laying out the arc of the story. You ask the audience to subconsciously invest in your story by showing his excitement and then cutting to the support group. This is great because the payoff is his emotional release. My concerns are mainly with the Sara character and a few unnecessary parts. Sara does vary little for the story as of right now. She is forcing a relationship with Ryan instead of it feeling natural. I know support groups are supposed to be "supportive" but she just comes off as weird to me. What if she knows Ryan. Like they both go to school together, but when Ryan shows up they talk about it, as though it was something they did not know about each other. That way they have some motivation. Also, William's angry speech still feels incredibly awkward when he mentions the game. I think you should rework that speech somehow. I love how you changed the name and if you can find a way to get the graphics you need I think your film will benefit greatly. I don't think you need William asking where Ryan is at the end, then discovers him in the graveyard. I think you can just cut straight to the graveyard and have Ryan there and William seeing him. I also think that Ryan does not need to repeat the letter, but rather he could leave it there and say his words. Other than that I think it is a million times stronger than before. It is also much more visual and touching. Great work David! Cheers, JJ
Ok wow dude this is like night and day from the other drafts. This is really working so much better. The poem Invictus was brilliant. There was a great dal of raw emotion in the story and it worked exactly the way yo wanted it to. The last page or so may want to be a little less "wrap a bow around it." Like maybe the father sees the note that the son left at the grave with what his mother says and then what he says written underneath. You could end on the father realizing that his son did have a connection with his mother in his own way and some regret but he is not shutting it out. Just a suggestion but this was great I really felt it.
FIrst of all I really like the characters of Ryan and Sara. However I am having trouble believing the father. Also, there was a line on page 7 where Ryan says he worked out and I think I misunderstood why that line is in there. However, I do see the awkwardness of it so maybe when it is delivered it will really work well. Another really strong character is the support leader. FOr example when you have him talking low to Ryan before he speaks on page 8, that is a very natural moment and I could really see it.
I am interested to see the way you make these graphics for the game. And the idea that she is using this game to make up for her own disabilities is really a good idea because most times when we talk about people obsessed with games like this it is not because of physical or mental handicaps but more for social handicaps. By social handicaps I mean a reliance on technology to live out their lives. It is an interesting balance you have between the son and mother and what the reasons are for playing the game.
One little warning is I want to make sure that when you have supporters talking or giving their "you can do its" and other comments that you avoid those specific lines from being cheesy and forced. But in a real support group those things would happen so just beware of that.
I would also like to see one more scene between Ryan and Sara to help develop that relationship more.
And finally your last pages are very strong. THe way it ties in is very unique and as I read it I had no idea.
I didn't notice anything new or very different in this script then your previous draft. It has come a long way and can be very strong.
Since I haven't seeing your journal in awhile, I can't remeber what you wanted to do for production design but as an idea you could have the son father and mother wearing specific colors and when the mom plays her game she could create similar avitars to the people in real life.
There are a couple awkward/stiff lines of dialog. William's little outburst after Ryan's first meeting seems to come out of nowhere, tonally, almost making him seem bipolar. Maybe you could add an extra line or two to ease him into it?
Also when Ryan goes up to speak in front of the support group, he starts out very shy and closed-off but then immediately starts talking about how he didn't cry. Again, it feels like there's not enough transition there.
Otherwise, you've got a great script here. Can't wait to see it!
Man I don't even know where to start on how much better this draft is than other! Ryan is great, I love him in a non-homosexual way! The flashbacks are great!
It is sorta weird between Sara and Ryan specifically on Pages 5-7. I feel like Sara's dialogue is forced.
I think whoever is playing Ryan has a tough job to grasp his emotions. But with the right talent you will have people reaching for tissues!
D1 √ 6; "You were too busy playing video games to take care of her. You even showed her one that she played, yet you stopped! You remember?! Jesus Christ!" - this is clumsy; feels expositional and a bit confusing; i think it will confuse your audience 7; "SARA Heya, How are you? RYAN Yeah? I ...worked out before I got here. SARA Maybe. Anyways I’m glad you came back, things would not have been the same." - missing a piece of dialogue here? 14; instead of a letter, could her avatar read the messages? make it visual. script in good shape; all about execution now
David-
ReplyDeleteThe only character description I see in your script is that William is in his mid 40’s. Could you include a quick blurb for Ryan and Sara? The description you have for Sara is that she’s a beautiful girl. Remember, not everyone has the same definition of beautiful.
On page 6, I think you should have blurbs of Ryan trying to get a word in with his father when he claims that all he does is chase girls and play video games, and have another note saying that his father won’t let him get a word in edgewise.
P. 8- Ryan: “Yeah? I …worked out before I got here.” What? Sara asked how he is and he told her he just worked out? I feel like a piece of the conversation is missing here.
I feel like the script is really starting to come together. Good work.
I really like the poem the leader of the group reads. I like how it relates to the circumstances of the story.
ReplyDeleteI really feel that the dialogue between Sara and Ryan flow much better this time around and definitely sounds more realistic.
I really like Ryan’s speech that he gives at the support meeting. It seems real and convincing. Cannot wait to see the end result!! :)
Hey David!
ReplyDeleteNot much to say as the script seems relatively the same from what I can remember, but i'll be nitpicky like I've been with everyone else's scripts.
Page 4 - when the Support group leader says the "frown upon people who does not take this seriously" it feels almost rude. I've never been to a support group other than what i've seen in things like "Fight Club" so I may be of the wrong assumption but I feel like people in the group would be sensitive as it is and having the leader say that may break them, even though they are taking the session seriously. I can see it making sense though when you think of someone who may have gone there out of some kind of rude joke or something, so I guess it is up to you whether you want to take that info haha.
I like Ryan's feeling change and semi-redemption at his mother's grave at the end as well.
Nothing much else to say, can't wait to see footage!
Geo - That portion of the script is actually going to be re-worked with an actual support leader, and agreed, it was based mainly on second hand type of knowledge.
ReplyDeleteSam- Thanks
Mel - The characters you will see shortly, I.e. the movie is cast and will be shot in 3 weeks. But you are correct, there is no identifying adjectives for Ryan an Sara, I must have written them in the FMjournal and forgot to add to script.
No piece missing from conversation, I want that to be an awkward statement that he comes up with out of no where as an excuse of some sort.
David.
ReplyDeleteLEAPS AND BOUNDS BETTER!
I like that you are inter-cutting between the flashbacks and the story Ryan is telling. I also think you are doing a great job with laying out the arc of the story. You ask the audience to subconsciously invest in your story by showing his excitement and then cutting to the support group. This is great because the payoff is his emotional release.
My concerns are mainly with the Sara character and a few unnecessary parts. Sara does vary little for the story as of right now. She is forcing a relationship with Ryan instead of it feeling natural. I know support groups are supposed to be "supportive" but she just comes off as weird to me. What if she knows Ryan. Like they both go to school together, but when Ryan shows up they talk about it, as though it was something they did not know about each other. That way they have some motivation. Also, William's angry speech still feels incredibly awkward when he mentions the game. I think you should rework that speech somehow. I love how you changed the name and if you can find a way to get the graphics you need I think your film will benefit greatly.
I don't think you need William asking where Ryan is at the end, then discovers him in the graveyard. I think you can just cut straight to the graveyard and have Ryan there and William seeing him. I also think that Ryan does not need to repeat the letter, but rather he could leave it there and say his words. Other than that I think it is a million times stronger than before. It is also much more visual and touching. Great work David!
Cheers,
JJ
Ok wow dude this is like night and day from the other drafts. This is really working so much better. The poem Invictus was brilliant. There was a great dal of raw emotion in the story and it worked exactly the way yo wanted it to. The last page or so may want to be a little less "wrap a bow around it." Like maybe the father sees the note that the son left at the grave with what his mother says and then what he says written underneath. You could end on the father realizing that his son did have a connection with his mother in his own way and some regret but he is not shutting it out. Just a suggestion but this was great I really felt it.
ReplyDeleteFIrst of all I really like the characters of Ryan and Sara. However I am having trouble believing the father. Also, there was a line on page 7 where Ryan says he worked out and I think I misunderstood why that line is in there. However, I do see the awkwardness of it so maybe when it is delivered it will really work well. Another really strong character is the support leader. FOr example when you have him talking low to Ryan before he speaks on page 8, that is a very natural moment and I could really see it.
ReplyDeleteI am interested to see the way you make these graphics for the game. And the idea that she is using this game to make up for her own disabilities is really a good idea because most times when we talk about people obsessed with games like this it is not because of physical or mental handicaps but more for social handicaps. By social handicaps I mean a reliance on technology to live out their lives. It is an interesting balance you have between the son and mother and what the reasons are for playing the game.
One little warning is I want to make sure that when you have supporters talking or giving their "you can do its" and other comments that you avoid those specific lines from being cheesy and forced. But in a real support group those things would happen so just beware of that.
I would also like to see one more scene between Ryan and Sara to help develop that relationship more.
And finally your last pages are very strong. THe way it ties in is very unique and as I read it I had no idea.
Really strong story. Good job.
I didn't notice anything new or very different in this script then your previous draft. It has come a long way and can be very strong.
ReplyDeleteSince I haven't seeing your journal in awhile, I can't remeber what you wanted to do for production design but as an idea you could have the son father and mother wearing specific colors and when the mom plays her game she could create similar avitars to the people in real life.
Um, you spelled "Sarah" wrong... :P
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple awkward/stiff lines of dialog. William's little outburst after Ryan's first meeting seems to come out of nowhere, tonally, almost making him seem bipolar. Maybe you could add an extra line or two to ease him into it?
Also when Ryan goes up to speak in front of the support group, he starts out very shy and closed-off but then immediately starts talking about how he didn't cry. Again, it feels like there's not enough transition there.
Otherwise, you've got a great script here. Can't wait to see it!
Warning I might cry when I watch this!!!
ReplyDeleteMan I don't even know where to start on how much better this draft is than other! Ryan is great, I love him in a non-homosexual way! The flashbacks are great!
It is sorta weird between Sara and Ryan specifically on Pages 5-7. I feel like Sara's dialogue is forced.
I think whoever is playing Ryan has a tough job to grasp his emotions. But with the right talent you will have people reaching for tissues!
D1 √
ReplyDelete6; "You were too busy playing video games to take care of her. You even showed her one that she played, yet you stopped! You remember?! Jesus Christ!"
- this is clumsy; feels expositional and a bit confusing; i think it will confuse your audience
7; "SARA Heya, How are you?
RYAN Yeah? I ...worked out before I got here.
SARA Maybe. Anyways I’m glad you came back, things would not have been the same."
- missing a piece of dialogue here?
14; instead of a letter, could her avatar read the messages? make it visual.
script in good shape; all about execution now
D2
for D2
storyboards shot list dailies