Hey Sarah! I'll just leave little notes here and there if I notice any spelling or whatever but so far it is reading really well and since it's your last deliverable I'm sure nothing will be too crazy on here!
pg 58. close to bottom of page you say "staring to take notice" which should be "starting"
pg 61 near bottom "Set traffic to rights" probably should be "set traffic right" or "fix traffic"
pg 75 Daniels first line of scene 51, he says "myself" twice in a kind of long sentence. I think the second one can be replaced with an "it" almost as if he had made a monster within himself.
pg 81 Emma's second lines of dialogue she sayd "first time" twice, I think the first one can be taken and you can end the first sentence with an exclamation point of a comma after "happening" then go straight into her second part with "not to mention"
pg 98 at the third line Emma says "Second" but never said "first" I think you can get away with just making it a new idea and can axe the "second."
I really enjoy your script overall and I think it is great, sorry for my nitpickiness but figured if nothing else I could get you some grammar notes. I think the ending may be just a little too fast, but it still makes sense with the story and I think in the end the characters are all where they should be. Great progress over the year and great work!
General: This is an opinion thing, but I think a good one. When you have description blocks that can tend to go like 5,6,7,8...lines. I think you should probably keep them down to 4,5 lines at the most. Just from reading a lot of screenplays, I think it's proper format to only have descriptions of 4 to 5 lines tops, especially if you're just starting off.
Pg 61: I had the suggestion from last draft that you change it to MAGNUS PREVENTING the pile up, as I thought if Emma just walked out into traffic and cars piled up, then people would be hurt/possibly killed and Emma would probably be wanted for questioning by the police. I don't think that's something you want to deal with in the script, and if you keep it the same I don't see how you can just ignore it. But that's just a suggestion.
Pg 68-69: Emma asks "What have you done to each other?" Then Magnus dives immediately into his explanation. I think you should have Magnus take a breath, reflect for or moment, or something before delving into all the past history. It should affect him so that's it's hard for him to talk about the past.
69-71 - In the present you have MAGNUS, you go to flashback, you have KENNETH, but you come back to the present and still say KENNETH, when it should be MAGNUS. That's super small but just for continuity purposes.
Pg 77: Daniel chuckles at her reaction. - This just didn't seem like a proper reaction to me. We're in the middle of reopening all these old wounds and for Daniel to laugh didn't feel right. Just another opinion.
Pg 81: INT. EMMA’S BEDROOM - EVENING 56 Sharon calls out to her daughter. SHARON Emma, please!? Emma can hear Daniel stop her mother. DANIEL Sharon. Let her be. It’s okay.
Is this dialogue supposed to be off-screen? if so, you have to let us know with an (O.S.).
Pg 85:MILO Well, he tried to kill thousands of people and she had sex with the man who stopped him. - This dialogue seems a LITTLE insensitive coming from Milo. I know this is a lot to handle for him too, but to me this is like throwing salt on Emma's wounds.
Pg 87 - Just an opinion. MILO He was... is... he’s obsessed with Magnus. Like... insanely obsessed. - I don't think "Like...insanely obsessed" fits with Milo. It comes off as cheesy.
Pg 91: With the reveal of Mr. Stevens. You should probably wait to call him Mr. Stevens until Milo calls him "dad" just to add in a little more suspense. I mean we "know" who it is but we don't "know" if you get my meaning.
Also Mr. Stevens "Shut up Milo. Daddy's busy." I know he's insane but this line comes off as cheesy.
Pg 93: You say off screen, it can be replaced with an (O.S.) next to Jackson's name so JACKSON (O.S.).
I'll agree with Geo, the SHOWDOWN/ENDING might happen too quick. But I think you have a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to do something special. Emma has just learned how HER FATHER went insane now she's dealing with MILO'S INSANE FATHER. I think she should attempt to talk Mr. Stevens down, relating to him how her father's obsession almost destroyed her family, does he (Mr. Stevens) want the same for his family? I think this would show how Emma has grown/gotten over that she has been lied to. We can still have Jackson take down Mr. Stevens but if it is EMMA who quells his anger so that Jackson can have an opening, I think that would add a certain GRAVITY/MATURITY to her character.
Overall: I like it. I do think you need one more revision on your new stuff, just to make sure the whole explanation/flashback sequences flow well (which I think they do). And the last 10 pages, just iron those out and consider what I said with Emma, because right now it's Jackson saving the day, and I think to an extent we need to see Emma grow/mature and be part of that solution rather than just standing by, which is kind of what she does now.
Damnit...an hour too late. OK I agree with that Camiolo kid. The ending/reveal/showdown feels rushed. A lot happens in like a matter of 2 hours.
Great script otherwise, I should ask where exactly it feels weak to you? Aside from the ending, and a few quirky moments (that can be ironed out with direction, not necessarily writing), i'm a big fan :D
On page 2, you're prosing a bit - describing in too much detail characters that don't matter. You do this elsewhere, as well.
On the whole... I like it, but I think you've got a lot more to go. The back half of the script (from page 60 on) is a totally different movie (or at least feels totally different) than the first 60 pages. The biggest problem is you've got reveal after reveal after reveal - some of them just told through exposition instead of action. I'm not sure I care about Magnus or Daniel Browning.
And about those two: I'm sorry, but you're being too nice to these characters. Daniel too easily puts away his pride. What villain (for that is what he was) in any comic book story simply said, "gosh, you're right, I AM being an ass?" Magnus and Daniel should have had a knock-down drag out fight, not a therapy session.
Even Mr. Stevens seems to be too amiable: By golly, he doesn't really want to hurt anybody, he just wants to be a hero! On page 91, cut the line, "I have no reason to" and have him go right to, "I want Dr. Browning's experiment." Give the man some action.
Also, I'm not sure having Mr. Stevens simply show up on Page 90 as the 'real' villain works... Feels way too forced. Same with Magnus and Daniel simply burying the hatchet and agreeing to work together.
Lastly - your main character disappears in the last 60 pages; not a good sign. It becomes totally about Magnus, Daniel and Sharon. Everything happens AROUND Emma - she doesn't DO anything (after getting Magnus' attention). She's far too passive a character for my tastes.
Sarah, I feel there's a fantastic idea here. I just don't think you've fully fleshed it out yet. Remember to be harder on your characters. I think your main problems are exemplified on Page 93, when Magnus says: "I'll take care of this guy, then I'll come right back, and we can all talk this through." There's too much talking through stuff as though everybody were in a group counseling session. Nobody's angry, nobody's upset - especially in the last 40 pages when the tension should be ratcheted up to 10.
Great story. I love these characters and can relate to them. I think you could work the ending a bit more to develop more of a conclusion. I also would like to get to know Jackson more since does play a very important part in the end. There was some talk earlier about using him to round-out the trinity and I think that would be a very organic way for the story to develop. I also think you can play with the fantasy world more it was always fun getting to those segments. These characters are great the ending just feels a bit rushed compared to the rest of the script, probably due to meeting the delivery. This is a lot of fun, very clever, and fun to read.
Sarah awesome work!!! I definitely agree with James on how this piece of work is fun and easy to read. But I also have to agree with Geo about the ending. Fix it up a bit and I think you will be all set. : )
Dude, this is my favorite script by far and you should really congratulate yourself on what a great job you did putting it together. I think that it is both original and fun. That being said, i definitely feel that you should read it over and over again until you want to die and just ask yourself if you feel it all works or needs to be tighter and what is just not needed all together. I do feel that it does flow very well over all and very good work! Congrats!!!
Hey Sarah! I'll just leave little notes here and there if I notice any spelling or whatever but so far it is reading really well and since it's your last deliverable I'm sure nothing will be too crazy on here!
ReplyDeletepg 58. close to bottom of page you say "staring to take notice" which should be "starting"
pg 61 near bottom "Set traffic to rights" probably should be "set traffic right" or "fix traffic"
pg 75 Daniels first line of scene 51, he says "myself" twice in a kind of long sentence. I think the second one can be replaced with an "it" almost as if he had made a monster within himself.
pg 81 Emma's second lines of dialogue she sayd "first time" twice, I think the first one can be taken and you can end the first sentence with an exclamation point of a comma after "happening" then go straight into her second part with "not to mention"
pg 98 at the third line Emma says "Second" but never said "first" I think you can get away with just making it a new idea and can axe the "second."
I really enjoy your script overall and I think it is great, sorry for my nitpickiness but figured if nothing else I could get you some grammar notes. I think the ending may be just a little too fast, but it still makes sense with the story and I think in the end the characters are all where they should be. Great progress over the year and great work!
General: This is an opinion thing, but I think a good one. When you have description blocks that can tend to go like 5,6,7,8...lines. I think you should probably keep them down to 4,5 lines at the most. Just from reading a lot of screenplays, I think it's proper format to only have descriptions of 4 to 5 lines tops, especially if you're just starting off.
ReplyDeletePg 61: I had the suggestion from last draft that you change it to MAGNUS PREVENTING the pile up, as I thought if Emma just walked out into traffic and cars piled up, then people would be hurt/possibly killed and Emma would probably be wanted for questioning by the police. I don't think that's something you want to deal with in the script, and if you keep it the same I don't see how you can just ignore it. But that's just a suggestion.
Pg 68-69: Emma asks "What have you done to each other?" Then Magnus dives immediately into his explanation. I think you should have Magnus take a breath, reflect for or moment, or something before delving into all the past history. It should affect him so that's it's hard for him to talk about the past.
69-71 - In the present you have MAGNUS, you go to flashback, you have KENNETH, but you come back to the present and still say KENNETH, when it should be MAGNUS. That's super small but just for continuity purposes.
Pg 77: Daniel chuckles at her reaction. - This just didn't seem like a proper reaction to me. We're in the middle of reopening all these old wounds and for Daniel to laugh didn't feel right. Just another opinion.
Pg 81: INT. EMMA’S BEDROOM - EVENING 56
Sharon calls out to her daughter.
SHARON
Emma, please!?
Emma can hear Daniel stop her mother.
DANIEL
Sharon. Let her be. It’s okay.
Is this dialogue supposed to be off-screen? if so, you have to let us know with an (O.S.).
Pg 85:MILO
Well, he tried to kill thousands of
people and she had sex with the man
who stopped him. - This dialogue seems a LITTLE insensitive coming from Milo. I know this is a lot to handle for him too, but to me this is like throwing salt on Emma's wounds.
Pg 87 - Just an opinion.
MILO
He was... is... he’s obsessed with
Magnus. Like... insanely obsessed. - I don't think "Like...insanely obsessed" fits with Milo. It comes off as cheesy.
Pg 91: With the reveal of Mr. Stevens. You should probably wait to call him Mr. Stevens until Milo calls him "dad" just to add in a little more suspense. I mean we "know" who it is but we don't "know" if you get my meaning.
Also Mr. Stevens "Shut up Milo. Daddy's busy." I know he's insane but this line comes off as cheesy.
Pg 93: You say off screen, it can be replaced with an (O.S.) next to Jackson's name so JACKSON (O.S.).
I'll agree with Geo, the SHOWDOWN/ENDING might happen too quick. But I think you have a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to do something special. Emma has just learned how HER FATHER went insane now she's dealing with MILO'S INSANE FATHER. I think she should attempt to talk Mr. Stevens down, relating to him how her father's obsession almost destroyed her family, does he (Mr. Stevens) want the same for his family? I think this would show how Emma has grown/gotten over that she has been lied to. We can still have Jackson take down Mr. Stevens but if it is EMMA who quells his anger so that Jackson can have an opening, I think that would add a certain GRAVITY/MATURITY to her character.
Overall: I like it. I do think you need one more revision on your new stuff, just to make sure the whole explanation/flashback sequences flow well (which I think they do). And the last 10 pages, just iron those out and consider what I said with Emma, because right now it's Jackson saving the day, and I think to an extent we need to see Emma grow/mature and be part of that solution rather than just standing by, which is kind of what she does now.
Damnit...an hour too late. OK I agree with that Camiolo kid. The ending/reveal/showdown feels rushed. A lot happens in like a matter of 2 hours.
ReplyDeleteGreat script otherwise, I should ask where exactly it feels weak to you? Aside from the ending, and a few quirky moments (that can be ironed out with direction, not necessarily writing), i'm a big fan :D
Sarah:
ReplyDeleteOn page 2, you're prosing a bit - describing in too much detail characters that don't matter. You do this elsewhere, as well.
On the whole... I like it, but I think you've got a lot more to go. The back half of the script (from page 60 on) is a totally different movie (or at least feels totally different) than the first 60 pages. The biggest problem is you've got reveal after reveal after reveal - some of them just told through exposition instead of action. I'm not sure I care about Magnus or Daniel Browning.
And about those two: I'm sorry, but you're being too nice to these characters. Daniel too easily puts away his pride. What villain (for that is what he was) in any comic book story simply said, "gosh, you're right, I AM being an ass?" Magnus and Daniel should have had a knock-down drag out fight, not a therapy session.
Even Mr. Stevens seems to be too amiable: By golly, he doesn't really want to hurt anybody, he just wants to be a hero! On page 91, cut the line, "I have no reason to" and have him go right to, "I want Dr. Browning's experiment." Give the man some action.
Also, I'm not sure having Mr. Stevens simply show up on Page 90 as the 'real' villain works... Feels way too forced. Same with Magnus and Daniel simply burying the hatchet and agreeing to work together.
Lastly - your main character disappears in the last 60 pages; not a good sign. It becomes totally about Magnus, Daniel and Sharon. Everything happens AROUND Emma - she doesn't DO anything (after getting Magnus' attention). She's far too passive a character for my tastes.
Sarah, I feel there's a fantastic idea here. I just don't think you've fully fleshed it out yet. Remember to be harder on your characters. I think your main problems are exemplified on Page 93, when Magnus says: "I'll take care of this guy, then I'll come right back, and we can all talk this through." There's too much talking through stuff as though everybody were in a group counseling session. Nobody's angry, nobody's upset - especially in the last 40 pages when the tension should be ratcheted up to 10.
Great story. I love these characters and can relate to them. I think you could work the ending a bit more to develop more of a conclusion. I also would like to get to know Jackson more since does play a very important part in the end. There was some talk earlier about using him to round-out the trinity and I think that would be a very organic way for the story to develop. I also think you can play with the fantasy world more it was always fun getting to those segments. These characters are great the ending just feels a bit rushed compared to the rest of the script, probably due to meeting the delivery. This is a lot of fun, very clever, and fun to read.
ReplyDeleteSarah awesome work!!! I definitely agree with James on how this piece of work is fun and easy to read. But I also have to agree with Geo about the ending. Fix it up a bit and I think you will be all set. : )
ReplyDeleteDude, this is my favorite script by far and you should really congratulate yourself on what a great job you did putting it together. I think that it is both original and fun. That being said, i definitely feel that you should read it over and over again until you want to die and just ask yourself if you feel it all works or needs to be tighter and what is just not needed all together. I do feel that it does flow very well over all and very good work! Congrats!!!
ReplyDelete