Scott: I like your new pages, especially the scene where Esme gets beat up. It's intense. I can't really say much else. Everything you have I like. But you got to get moving, write a couple pages a day, because I do want to see where this story's going, because it's well done so far.
Just realized I commented on your D2 instead of D3, here it is:
Pg. 1 – “Time passes. McClintock ashes his bud and nudges Moe who is now sitting under a thin mesquite. As Moe stands McClintock looks out towards the light rail, where ELI GERMAINE emerges from the train.” – light rail should be capitalized.
Pg. 7 – “The sun is stifling. Nothing stirs outside the shade and the hum of the AC units besides the cheers and echoes from the party.” – nice conveyance of atmosphere.
Pg. 8 – “PATRON #2 Its 112 degrees out there Ed you can’t just turn us out.” – if the patron calls Ed by his name, then you have to have Ed know this patron, as they wouldn’t call him by name unless they knew each other.
Pg. 13 – Jake is alluded to having been upset for a long while and he all of sudden changes his tune in half a page?
Pg. 27 – nicely written scene.
Obviously you gotta play catch-up, but what you have here so far is a very interesting take on High Noon. Your words are oozing with mood and atmosphere.
Scott: I like your new pages, especially the scene where Esme gets beat up. It's intense. I can't really say much else. Everything you have I like. But you got to get moving, write a couple pages a day, because I do want to see where this story's going, because it's well done so far.
ReplyDeleteJust realized I commented on your D2 instead of D3, here it is:
ReplyDeletePg. 1 – “Time passes. McClintock ashes his bud and nudges Moe who is now sitting under a thin mesquite. As Moe stands McClintock looks out towards the light rail, where ELI GERMAINE emerges from the train.” – light rail should be capitalized.
Pg. 7 – “The sun is stifling. Nothing stirs outside the shade and the hum of the AC units besides the cheers and echoes from the party.” – nice conveyance of atmosphere.
Pg. 8 – “PATRON #2
Its 112 degrees out there Ed you
can’t just turn us out.” – if the patron calls Ed by his name, then you have to have Ed know this patron, as they wouldn’t call him by name unless they knew each other.
Pg. 13 – Jake is alluded to having been upset for a long while and he all of sudden changes his tune in half a page?
Pg. 27 – nicely written scene.
Obviously you gotta play catch-up, but what you have here so far is a very interesting take on High Noon. Your words are oozing with mood and atmosphere.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete