2 words. Loved it! The script is much better now and I can not only feel the characters being true to themselves but also the comedy shines much more than before. I like this script so much I wish I could direct it! It speaks visually very well and I can picture the whole thing in my head from start to finish. On a side note I wish that you would have kept your ending of her cooking or showing her use the money somehow. Possibly after the credits? It just added a playful flavor that I liked. It really isn't necessary though. I think you hit your stride with this draft. It feels pretty complete to me so I don't have much for notes. I am just excited to see how you shoot it. Great work. JJ
Oh crap! I put the wrong script up! That was our first of two rewrites. We did end up putting the cooking scene back in because we figured there is no pay off without it in there. I have posted the new script now sorry for the confusion.
JJ the new one doesn't have too many changes, other than minor dialogue and putting the cooking scene back in.
Page 6 - "... break your knees" I feel like instead you should say break your neck, leg, or arm. I feel like saying you would break someone's knees is a little awkward. If you meant this to purposely be awkward to add humor, I think you should pick another body part to make it noticeably more awkward.
Pg. 6- "Let's not pretend who has the bigger dick" Is an awesome line! It is funny yet it really shows Wanda as a true bad ass.
Pg. 9- I am a little confused because I was the under impression that Tony and Lilly had been dating for a while. However, it seems through conversations that Wanda and Lilly hardly really know each other. Normally, if a couple is in a serious relationship, the girlfriend would be close to the guy's mother. Is the whole drug business the reason why Lilly and Wanda aren't close really? Like, Tony was trying to protect Lilly by not getting her too close to his family and their business?
Overall- Awesome Job! This revision is so much easier to read, and I truly have a better understanding about what's going on now. I was a little confused from the other drafts. I may be the only one who thinks this, but I like your old title "Dirty Laundry" better. The new one is still really creative, but I don't know. Keep up the great work! : )
I really enjoyed watching this script. I was never bored and you kept the story interesting the whole time.
I did feel Lilly line "your a bad man" seems a little juvenile. I can see she is innocent and out of here element in this drug scene but i think it could come off poorly and corny at this tense moment.
Visually speaking i am concerned for the moment when Wanda's gun jams and then Lilly uses it and it works. When a gun jams would it cock back and click as if there were no bullets? Because if the gun does the same thing when its jammed as when there are no bullets how does the audience know visually it is jammed and not empty.
Love the new title. I thought of the song by the Cold War Kids before reading it and, sure enough, it’s played in the opening sequence. It works really well here, and I can totally picture Charlyne Yi rocking out. The answering machine message is really cute and totally suites her. Any word on if she’s gonna be in your film yet? Having Anthony call his mom and Lilly at the beginning is a great touch. It helps the viewer sympathize with him. I don’t know who you’re imagining for the role of Frank, but I can totally picture Benicio del Toro in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I love the chou chou/choo choo what? sequence! Lilly’s overall silliness is coming through quite nicely. The dream cooking sequence is great. Having Lilly drop the milk and cover the pile is a great build up to her finding the gun.
Great ending. Let me know if you need help coming up with some French dialog for the cooking lesson, I just finished up my French minor last semester. Fantastic script, I can’t wait to see the footage.
At "Zach"/Courtney- I could see that they've been dating for awhile but Tony wants to keep his double life a secret. Maybe Lilly has just met Wanda at a few family dinners rather than spending a lot of time with Tony's family.
First off, as said above, I like the title change over the original title.
Next will be mainly just me being nit picky with dialogue so you can do with it what you like!
Page 2: PRISON GUARD O.S. "Hurry up the phone call lover boy!" I feel like this is just a wording issue, maybe switch it up a bit and say Hurry up WITH the phone call lover boy, or hurry the phone call up lover boy. again, i apologize for being nitpicky haha.
Just writing as I read, but I may be blanking but this is the first draft that Wanda appears instead of a male boss right?? Either way I like the change and think it is a step out of the ordinary for the genre to have that character be female.
Page 9: as Lilly talks to Wanda about how Tony had drugs and drug money was how he was supporting her, I feel like there hasn't been any way she could've known exactly how deep he ACTUALLY was into the drug dealing because she has only had the 30 second phone call with him from jail, maybe if she was more speculative with some of the dialogue in this scene as if she is only assuming and is not certain exactly how deep he was.
End of Page 11-12: I like that an administrator calls her this time around, it helps fuel the fire of her need for money since we already know she really wants to go to the culinary school. Good stuff.
Page 13: JOEY "Do whatchu gotta baby, do what you got to do." I still laugh to myself every time I read that.
I really like that Lilly no longer "agrees" to be a part of the drug dealing and is more or less ignorant to it, it fits her character more and makes her more redemptive in my opinion. The ending is abrupt but informative enough to where we know what Lilly will be doing with the money so I think it really fits. Good work on this draft Kyle I can't wait to see it on screen!
This was fun. I enjoyed the story and it kept me wondering where it was going but the conclusion wrapped it all up. Should be a fun short. It seemed like you where trying to hit a bit of a black comedy tone and if thats true it defiantly worked.
FIrst off I love the day dream scene. I think that is going to be a very strong part of the film. It is interesting because with what I have learned from my dreams is that things that are happening really do affect your sleep and dreams.
One problem I got from the script was that I could not fully figure out the tone you were going for. Some points seemed dark while others were more sarcastic and I am just curious if you are going for something that is dark but also with a little comedy. I like the idea if that is what it is but it is really just a question.
Also, I am curious as to how someone as innocent as Lilly meets someone like Anthony. Not saying you need back story but for ANthony to have so much drugs in his car and have someone at home who is completely oblivious is a little unbelievable.
Joey is an awesome character. I enjoy unique characters in scripts because we all know those people really do exist.
And finally, i really really love the scene where Frank and Lilly meet. It has a lot of tension and it could go so many different ways. I am looking forward to seeing the result of that scene.
gotta say i loved the rewrites man. i've loved this project from the time you pitched it and every cycle it keeps getting better.
all your characters feel more developed and having it be Tony's mom instead of dad works great (not sure if it was a conscious choice or a forced one due to casting issues, regardless it works). and the revised Gold Chef scene is genius.
all that said, i do have two gripes which are both subjective. the first being the opening sequence. we meet our main character for a page then we don't see her again for 5 pages/minutes. i think you can get rid of anthony calling his mother then stay with Lilly's reaction b/c the calling of the mother isn't necessary. we get everything we need from her with her interaction with frank the next scene. right now i feel cheated moving away from Lilly that soon.
my second issue is that of Lilly using Wanda's gun after it didn't work for Wanda. i think this is an easy fix though because you blatantly mention there being a holstered gun under the table by the VCRs. i'd have Lilly "get down" in the direction of the desk and have her pop back up holding the holstered gun. i think that'll make the scene more believable and have Lilly seeing that gun pay off.
other than that man nice work. i wanna see this thing already haha.
I dig it! Do you have rights to Hang me out? and CREAM ?
Also, cool new draft, i like it a lot.
Lily goes through a change pretty darn quick from saying something like "you're a bad man frank" to "meh i'll steal this 120k from some obvious drug dealers and hope all is good...not to mention forgetting the love of my life (Anthony)
Love the Jam = Blood in mouth awesome :D
like the dream sequence, and love the frank/lily jam sequence as well as its super tense.
So... Id like to see the film, lol which means...good job.
3; "He looks O.S. left and yells." unnecessary screen direction 4; "PRISON GUARD Cocaine...how romantic." this line is odd 4; funny way to introduce Frank; i like it 7; "WANDA Lilly! What’s wrong?" Wouldn't Wanda know? Odd question. Also, look at her scene with Frank just before; dialogue a bit stilted, cliched 10; this is a much better way to get Lilly into the cleaners (having Wanda be the path) 21; guns; gunshots; squibs; valenti general: I think you have a very tricky style/tone you are going after here. I can't say I fully grasp it. You will have to create it. I know you are into the Coens and I got that from early reads, so your acting is going to have to be very deliberate as is the cinematography, prod design, etc. The style will have to be deliberate. You can pull this off, but you have to really think through how you are going to do it.
2 words. Loved it! The script is much better now and I can not only feel the characters being true to themselves but also the comedy shines much more than before. I like this script so much I wish I could direct it! It speaks visually very well and I can picture the whole thing in my head from start to finish.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note I wish that you would have kept your ending of her cooking or showing her use the money somehow. Possibly after the credits? It just added a playful flavor that I liked. It really isn't necessary though.
I think you hit your stride with this draft. It feels pretty complete to me so I don't have much for notes. I am just excited to see how you shoot it. Great work.
JJ
Oh crap! I put the wrong script up! That was our first of two rewrites. We did end up putting the cooking scene back in because we figured there is no pay off without it in there. I have posted the new script now sorry for the confusion.
ReplyDeleteJJ the new one doesn't have too many changes, other than minor dialogue and putting the cooking scene back in.
Page 6 - "... break your knees" I feel like instead you should say break your neck, leg, or arm. I feel like saying you would break someone's knees is a little awkward. If you meant this to purposely be awkward to add humor, I think you should pick another body part to make it noticeably more awkward.
ReplyDeletePg. 6- "Let's not pretend who has the bigger dick" Is an awesome line! It is funny yet it really shows Wanda as a true bad ass.
Pg. 9- I am a little confused because I was the under impression that Tony and Lilly had been dating for a while. However, it seems through conversations that Wanda and Lilly hardly really know each other. Normally, if a couple is in a serious relationship, the girlfriend would be close to the guy's mother. Is the whole drug business the reason why Lilly and Wanda aren't close really? Like, Tony was trying to protect Lilly by not getting her too close to his family and their business?
Overall- Awesome Job! This revision is so much easier to read, and I truly have a better understanding about what's going on now. I was a little confused from the other drafts. I may be the only one who thinks this, but I like your old title "Dirty Laundry" better. The new one is still really creative, but I don't know. Keep up the great work! : )
oops the comment above is from Courtney not ZACH. I am on his computer so that's why it came out under Zach.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed watching this script. I was never bored and you kept the story interesting the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI did feel Lilly line "your a bad man" seems a little juvenile. I can see she is innocent and out of here element in this drug scene but i think it could come off poorly and corny at this tense moment.
Visually speaking i am concerned for the moment when Wanda's gun jams and then Lilly uses it and it works. When a gun jams would it cock back and click as if there were no bullets? Because if the gun does the same thing when its jammed as when there are no bullets how does the audience know visually it is jammed and not empty.
Love the new title. I thought of the song by the Cold War Kids before reading it and, sure enough, it’s played in the opening sequence. It works really well here, and I can totally picture Charlyne Yi rocking out. The answering machine message is really cute and totally suites her. Any word on if she’s gonna be in your film yet?
ReplyDeleteHaving Anthony call his mom and Lilly at the beginning is a great touch. It helps the viewer sympathize with him.
I don’t know who you’re imagining for the role of Frank, but I can totally picture Benicio del Toro in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I love the chou chou/choo choo what? sequence! Lilly’s overall silliness is coming through quite nicely.
The dream cooking sequence is great.
Having Lilly drop the milk and cover the pile is a great build up to her finding the gun.
Great ending. Let me know if you need help coming up with some French dialog for the cooking lesson, I just finished up my French minor last semester. Fantastic script, I can’t wait to see the footage.
At "Zach"/Courtney- I could see that they've been dating for awhile but Tony wants to keep his double life a secret. Maybe Lilly has just met Wanda at a few family dinners rather than spending a lot of time with Tony's family.
First off, as said above, I like the title change over the original title.
ReplyDeleteNext will be mainly just me being nit picky with dialogue so you can do with it what you like!
Page 2: PRISON GUARD O.S. "Hurry up the phone call lover boy!" I feel like this is just a wording issue, maybe switch it up a bit and say Hurry up WITH the phone call lover boy, or hurry the phone call up lover boy. again, i apologize for being nitpicky haha.
Just writing as I read, but I may be blanking but this is the first draft that Wanda appears instead of a male boss right?? Either way I like the change and think it is a step out of the ordinary for the genre to have that character be female.
Page 9: as Lilly talks to Wanda about how Tony had drugs and drug money was how he was supporting her, I feel like there hasn't been any way she could've known exactly how deep he ACTUALLY was into the drug dealing because she has only had the 30 second phone call with him from jail, maybe if she was more speculative with some of the dialogue in this scene as if she is only assuming and is not certain exactly how deep he was.
End of Page 11-12: I like that an administrator calls her this time around, it helps fuel the fire of her need for money since we already know she really wants to go to the culinary school. Good stuff.
Page 13: JOEY "Do whatchu gotta baby, do what you got to do." I still laugh to myself every time I read that.
I really like that Lilly no longer "agrees" to be a part of the drug dealing and is more or less ignorant to it, it fits her character more and makes her more redemptive in my opinion. The ending is abrupt but informative enough to where we know what Lilly will be doing with the money so I think it really fits. Good work on this draft Kyle I can't wait to see it on screen!
This was fun. I enjoyed the story and it kept me wondering where it was going but the conclusion wrapped it all up. Should be a fun short. It seemed like you where trying to hit a bit of a black comedy tone and if thats true it defiantly worked.
ReplyDeleteFIrst off I love the day dream scene. I think that is going to be a very strong part of the film. It is interesting because with what I have learned from my dreams is that things that are happening really do affect your sleep and dreams.
ReplyDeleteOne problem I got from the script was that I could not fully figure out the tone you were going for. Some points seemed dark while others were more sarcastic and I am just curious if you are going for something that is dark but also with a little comedy. I like the idea if that is what it is but it is really just a question.
Also, I am curious as to how someone as innocent as Lilly meets someone like Anthony. Not saying you need back story but for ANthony to have so much drugs in his car and have someone at home who is completely oblivious is a little unbelievable.
Joey is an awesome character. I enjoy unique characters in scripts because we all know those people really do exist.
And finally, i really really love the scene where Frank and Lilly meet. It has a lot of tension and it could go so many different ways. I am looking forward to seeing the result of that scene.
hey kyle...
ReplyDeletegotta say i loved the rewrites man. i've loved this project from the time you pitched it and every cycle it keeps getting better.
all your characters feel more developed and having it be Tony's mom instead of dad works great (not sure if it was a conscious choice or a forced one due to casting issues, regardless it works). and the revised Gold Chef scene is genius.
all that said, i do have two gripes which are both subjective. the first being the opening sequence. we meet our main character for a page then we don't see her again for 5 pages/minutes. i think you can get rid of anthony calling his mother then stay with Lilly's reaction b/c the calling of the mother isn't necessary. we get everything we need from her with her interaction with frank the next scene. right now i feel cheated moving away from Lilly that soon.
my second issue is that of Lilly using Wanda's gun after it didn't work for Wanda. i think this is an easy fix though because you blatantly mention there being a holstered gun under the table by the VCRs. i'd have Lilly "get down" in the direction of the desk and have her pop back up holding the holstered gun. i think that'll make the scene more believable and have Lilly seeing that gun pay off.
other than that man nice work. i wanna see this thing already haha.
I dig it! Do you have rights to Hang me out? and CREAM ?
ReplyDeleteAlso, cool new draft, i like it a lot.
Lily goes through a change pretty darn quick from saying something like "you're a bad man frank" to "meh i'll steal this 120k from some obvious drug dealers and hope all is good...not to mention forgetting the love of my life (Anthony)
Love the Jam = Blood in mouth awesome :D
like the dream sequence, and love the frank/lily jam sequence as well as its super tense.
So... Id like to see the film, lol which means...good job.
3; "He looks O.S. left and yells." unnecessary screen direction
ReplyDelete4; "PRISON GUARD Cocaine...how romantic." this line is odd
4; funny way to introduce Frank; i like it
7; "WANDA Lilly! What’s wrong?" Wouldn't Wanda know? Odd question. Also, look at her scene with Frank just before; dialogue a bit stilted, cliched
10; this is a much better way to get Lilly into the cleaners (having Wanda be the path)
21; guns; gunshots; squibs; valenti
general: I think you have a very tricky style/tone you are going after here. I can't say I fully grasp it. You will have to create it. I know you are into the Coens and I got that from early reads, so your acting is going to have to be very deliberate as is the cinematography, prod design, etc. The style will have to be deliberate. You can pull this off, but you have to really think through how you are going to do it.