So I like the updates, but there are a few questions I have, How does Dana know so much about comics, her character screams the non-nerd type.
Also with high school films, you have usually have a best friend to balance out the hero(ine)/love-interest/best-friend trinity. Have you thought about adding that as a character? Emma can still be a loner and still have a best friend sometimes more nerdy then the main character.
I like it so far, can't wait to see the finished version.
If your going to make a trinity of characters may I suggest the brother. I enjoy his character and would like to see more with him in the story. The only other thing that might be fun is to see more of how Emma views things in her fantasy world against the real world. I really like this a lot, well written characters and story.
I think your first act has shaped up very well, with the twist (1st turning point) being very intriguing. I agree with James and Brett, the brother as the third side-kick would help balance out the love story, as well as provide a fresh, third perspective that would different from the nerdy-ness of Emma and Milo in relation to their obessession with comic books. Furthermore, I like the dynamic you started to hint at between the mother and Emma with her hiding of Emma's father's clippings- also posing intruguing mystery for later on in the story. Overall, good stuff. Now for Act 2!
I like how you added in the descriptions for all of your characters. That was nicely done.
Your news reporter scene now feels better done. I feel like there's some intended humor in his coverage of the earthquake, like he's on the edge of his, as we're supposed to be.
I like how Jackson and the dog find the box with Daniel's old things in it. That works well now.
Pg 23 - Opinion note. "She instead pushes the box across her floor into the middle of her bedroom and then shuts her door." I do this a lot too. You say "her...her...her" This is a bit clumsily written. A better sentence would be "She instead pushes the box across the floor into the middle of her bedroom, closing the door behind her."
Pg 24-26 - Your new add-ons with Emma meeting Milo's mom have this certain sense of awkwardness that I think is very real and funny. Good work with that.
Pg 37-39 - Your whole crosswalk sequence is pretty funny and sweet I think.
Pg 43 - You say "Jesus Christ" and "bitched at" and I think this is the first time you've even come close to cursing in the script. So I'm wondering how mature you're trying to make this. Obviously you've got a pretty serious part in Emma's life going on here, but I'm just wondering what realm you think the movie will fall into, PG or PG-13?
I like the whole interaction with Dana and Emma. It seems that we're sort of putting the Magnus rumor to rest (only to know that it's going to come up again later) which I think works, because now it let's Emma focus on the dance.
Pg 49 - Just a thought. if this is such a richie rich school, and they have these dances all the time, I think they would have their own "Dance hall" and not have to decorate the gym. This school is so rich, and the dances so frequent, that they've just decided to build something solely reserved for the dances.
Pg 50 - When Milo sees all these kids with the masks, and I know up until now he hasn't been at all confrontational, I'd like to see him go up to them and at least say something to them, if not slap one of the masks off their faces, since he is so connected to Emma.
OVERALL - I think it flows very well. I'd just look over some of your dialogue in the Emma/Dana scene. I think that is probably your most important scene thus far, and you want that to be tip top. So just look over that.
great work on this draft Sarah, have to agree with most of the comments above about how well your first act has come out- here are a couple of things i noticed on my read through:
1. A small typo, at the bottom of page 31 "he" should be "her" 2. on 27 milo does a run-down on some of the Spectacle character's flaws. I think Speedy should be addicted to amphetamines, Ace should frequent rest-stop bathrooms, and Whirlwind was abused as a child. Or something. As it is it feels like a missed opportunity to say that whirlwind's tragic flaw is he smokes. 3. Nice play on 46 in having Dana be shocked over Emma's ignorance of Magnus rumors. Overall I like this scene quite a bit.
And i'm going to throw my two-cents in on the rating question: if you do decide to ramp it up to pg-13 going for harder punchlines during the fantasy sequences would make me happy. As Emma holds her raygun to Demetrius' head have her call him an asshole or something.
speaking of asses have you seen the trailers for Kick-Ass? they're doing (albeit in a very different style) real world superheroes as well....
Overall I really like what you reworked from the previous draft. All my comments/criticisms on the revisions were mentioned above so I'm just going to focus on your new additions...
First and foremost I think you're new scenes/sequences are logical steps in the story. Not a WHOLE lot happens in them but they're necessary to set up the second half. Plus, they're nicely written so good job.
On the other hand, I do have a few nit-picking things to say. In some of the scenes you've got these massive chunks of description. I know for the most part they're necessary since the scenes have little to no dialogue, but you could go in and thin them out a little bit. You have a tendency to overwrite a sentence (use 7 words when 4 will do) so if you trim some of these down the script will flow better than it already does (which it already flows pretty nicely as is).
Secondly, the Dana scene has a few things that could be fixed. Overall, I really like this scene because it really makes the audience believe all of this information is new to Emma and we get a bunch of exposition in a believable way. That being said, I think the scene could be shortened a little bit. Right now it's about 7 pages which means it's 7 straight minutes of dialogue at a kitchen table on screen. It's gonna get a little tedious for the audience. Also, a few of Dana's lines come off a little stale. So when you go back and shorten the scene (if you go back and shorten the scene) I'd just read through the dialogue again and see if you feel the same way. Like "dad's disappearance was devastating for mom" and things like that. I just think they could be rephrased but that could just be me.
Overall really good stuff. I love this script and can't wait to read the entire thing.
I just wanted to say I am really enjoying your script. It has a fantastic structure to it, likeable characters, and a fun sense of mystery right off the bat.
I LOVE that this script takes care to reveal that Emma's father is gone, in a very subtle way. It seems to suggest more that he's dead, now, than the earlier script which, I blieve, only said he left. It's quite a bit better than in the first one, when it felt almost obvious that Magnus would end up being her father. I would still try to hold off revealing that superheroes are real until after we know about her father. Super DNA stories and all.
p. 12 - Emma: "I don’t know. It’s just not my thing." Maybe I'm wrong about Emma, but I think she should almost see making a comic about a real person to be absolutely wrong. She suggests this in the "like propaganda" line, but I actually think it's a little much to say that. Maybe she could suggest something about how they have to make their money somehow, but she hates that they had to go and give him his own comic.
General note: the script is kinda description-heavy. It just looks a little dense on the page. I might recommend figuring out how to lighten it up some.
I agree with Tim there, I really think you've got a great writing skill for different characters, I have a picture of all of them in my head and just after the first new scene with Emma and Milo finalizing plans to go to the masquerade ball (around page 38) I can see a real connection between the two and I really enjoy their dialogue together.
I thought the conversation between emma and Dana was also very good and well written, I really have no qualms with your script as I think you've got a great story and I always enjoy reading it. I can't wait for the next portion! Keep up the good work.
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteSo I like the updates, but there are a few questions I have, How does Dana know so much about comics, her character screams the non-nerd type.
Also with high school films, you have usually have a best friend to balance out the hero(ine)/love-interest/best-friend trinity. Have you thought about adding that as a character? Emma can still be a loner and still have a best friend sometimes more nerdy then the main character.
I like it so far, can't wait to see the finished version.
If your going to make a trinity of characters may I suggest the brother. I enjoy his character and would like to see more with him in the story. The only other thing that might be fun is to see more of how Emma views things in her fantasy world against the real world. I really like this a lot, well written characters and story.
ReplyDeleteI think your first act has shaped up very well, with the twist (1st turning point) being very intriguing. I agree with James and Brett, the brother as the third side-kick would help balance out the love story, as well as provide a fresh, third perspective that would different from the nerdy-ness of Emma and Milo in relation to their obessession with comic books. Furthermore, I like the dynamic you started to hint at between the mother and Emma with her hiding of Emma's father's clippings- also posing intruguing mystery for later on in the story. Overall, good stuff. Now for Act 2!
ReplyDeleteI like how you added in the descriptions for all of your characters. That was nicely done.
ReplyDeleteYour news reporter scene now feels better done. I feel like there's some intended humor in his coverage of the earthquake, like he's on the edge of his, as we're supposed to be.
I like how Jackson and the dog find the box with Daniel's old things in it. That works well now.
Pg 23 - Opinion note. "She instead pushes the box across her floor into the middle of her bedroom and then shuts her door." I do this a lot too. You say "her...her...her" This is a bit clumsily written. A better sentence would be "She instead pushes the box across the floor into the middle of her bedroom, closing the door behind her."
Pg 24-26 - Your new add-ons with Emma meeting Milo's mom have this certain sense of awkwardness that I think is very real and funny. Good work with that.
Pg 37-39 - Your whole crosswalk sequence is pretty funny and sweet I think.
Pg 43 - You say "Jesus Christ" and "bitched at" and I think this is the first time you've even come close to cursing in the script. So I'm wondering how mature you're trying to make this. Obviously you've got a pretty serious part in Emma's life going on here, but I'm just wondering what realm you think the movie will fall into, PG or PG-13?
I like the whole interaction with Dana and Emma. It seems that we're sort of putting the Magnus rumor to rest (only to know that it's going to come up again later) which I think works, because now it let's Emma focus on the dance.
Pg 49 - Just a thought. if this is such a richie rich school, and they have these dances all the time, I think they would have their own "Dance hall" and not have to decorate the gym. This school is so rich, and the dances so frequent, that they've just decided to build something solely reserved for the dances.
Pg 50 - When Milo sees all these kids with the masks, and I know up until now he hasn't been at all confrontational, I'd like to see him go up to them and at least say something to them, if not slap one of the masks off their faces, since he is so connected to Emma.
OVERALL - I think it flows very well. I'd just look over some of your dialogue in the Emma/Dana scene. I think that is probably your most important scene thus far, and you want that to be tip top. So just look over that.
great work on this draft Sarah, have to agree with most of the comments above about how well your first act has come out- here are a couple of things i noticed on my read through:
ReplyDelete1. A small typo, at the bottom of page 31 "he" should be "her"
2. on 27 milo does a run-down on some of the Spectacle character's flaws. I think Speedy should be addicted to amphetamines, Ace should frequent rest-stop bathrooms, and Whirlwind was abused as a child. Or something. As it is it feels like a missed opportunity to say that whirlwind's tragic flaw is he smokes.
3. Nice play on 46 in having Dana be shocked over Emma's ignorance of Magnus rumors. Overall I like this scene quite a bit.
And i'm going to throw my two-cents in on the rating question: if you do decide to ramp it up to pg-13 going for harder punchlines during the fantasy sequences would make me happy. As Emma holds her raygun to Demetrius' head have her call him an asshole or something.
speaking of asses have you seen the trailers for Kick-Ass? they're doing (albeit in a very different style) real world superheroes as well....
word, well good work Sarah! It was a fun read!
Hey Sarah...
ReplyDeleteOverall I really like what you reworked from the previous draft. All my comments/criticisms on the revisions were mentioned above so I'm just going to focus on your new additions...
First and foremost I think you're new scenes/sequences are logical steps in the story. Not a WHOLE lot happens in them but they're necessary to set up the second half. Plus, they're nicely written so good job.
On the other hand, I do have a few nit-picking things to say. In some of the scenes you've got these massive chunks of description. I know for the most part they're necessary since the scenes have little to no dialogue, but you could go in and thin them out a little bit. You have a tendency to overwrite a sentence (use 7 words when 4 will do) so if you trim some of these down the script will flow better than it already does (which it already flows pretty nicely as is).
Secondly, the Dana scene has a few things that could be fixed. Overall, I really like this scene because it really makes the audience believe all of this information is new to Emma and we get a bunch of exposition in a believable way. That being said, I think the scene could be shortened a little bit. Right now it's about 7 pages which means it's 7 straight minutes of dialogue at a kitchen table on screen. It's gonna get a little tedious for the audience. Also, a few of Dana's lines come off a little stale. So when you go back and shorten the scene (if you go back and shorten the scene) I'd just read through the dialogue again and see if you feel the same way. Like "dad's disappearance was devastating for mom" and things like that. I just think they could be rephrased but that could just be me.
Overall really good stuff. I love this script and can't wait to read the entire thing.
I just wanted to say I am really enjoying your script. It has a fantastic structure to it, likeable characters, and a fun sense of mystery right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that this script takes care to reveal that Emma's father is gone, in a very subtle way. It seems to suggest more that he's dead, now, than the earlier script which, I blieve, only said he left. It's quite a bit better than in the first one, when it felt almost obvious that Magnus would end up being her father. I would still try to hold off revealing that superheroes are real until after we know about her father. Super DNA stories and all.
p. 12 - Emma: "I don’t know. It’s just not my
thing." Maybe I'm wrong about Emma, but I think she should almost see making a comic about a real person to be absolutely wrong. She suggests this in the "like propaganda" line, but I actually think it's a little much to say that. Maybe she could suggest something about how they have to make their money somehow, but she hates that they had to go and give him his own comic.
General note: the script is kinda description-heavy. It just looks a little dense on the page. I might recommend figuring out how to lighten it up some.
Keep up the great work!
I agree with Tim there, I really think you've got a great writing skill for different characters, I have a picture of all of them in my head and just after the first new scene with Emma and Milo finalizing plans to go to the masquerade ball (around page 38) I can see a real connection between the two and I really enjoy their dialogue together.
ReplyDeleteI thought the conversation between emma and Dana was also very good and well written, I really have no qualms with your script as I think you've got a great story and I always enjoy reading it. I can't wait for the next portion! Keep up the good work.