Hey, for everyone who comments, I just want to let you know what I need the most.
A big thing. I know my title isn't the most popular. I'll explain it. THE DESPAIR EMBODIED. Despair=to give up, lose hope. EMBODIED=to represent in material form. What does the town of Desperado represent for its visitors, "The Despair Embodied." I also think about it as a euphemism for the creature's name. Is this too complicated/ambiguous/artsy? Let me know. I have an alternate title in mind "ETERNITY, AZ" in which I would change the name of the town to ETERNITY. Or it could be just "Desperado, AZ" as the title or "BLANK, AZ." Let me know if you have any suggestions.
Definitely ways to speed up my first half. And by this I mean whittling down dialogue and character actions that are not necessary.
I have an idea to put more ACTION into the first half where a Desperado resident tries to escape, only to be caught by Brandon and company, and then freak out and KILL HIMSELF because he can't stand the torture of knowing and participating in the horrible things that Desperado does anymore.
If anyone has subtle ways that I can hint at the CREATURE'S existence in the first half, let me know. I added in two that I THINK might work. Let me know if you see them.
I haven't been looking at my 2nd half much because that's when the killing starts and "shit gets real" but if there's anything I can cut down or completely out there, let me know.
My changes for this cycle were mostly subplot related, (I gave Merriman a dead son). But if you think I need any DRASTIC CHANGES, let me know.
Eric, we get it, but your title still sucks... haha. I still say, switch the name of the town and make that the title- like we talked about in Valenti's.
As for the rest of my comments I'll post them later tonight or tomorrow morning, don't got time at the moment.
-okay eric let's get the title talk out of the way. i totally get what you're going for with your title and i have since day one before we discussed anything. and i personally like it. that being said, i think you gotta change it. the title just isn't commercial and if/when you try to sell this (which you're going to) 90% of the people who see your title page won't turn past it. you gotta think about on a friday night when people go to order tickets, what will they be saying? 'the exorcist', 'aliens', 'halloween.' it's gotta be something punchy that intrigues anyone that hears it all while tying together what the story is about. while 'the despair embodied' could intrigue some, it doesn't quite roll of the tongue for the masses. i also don't think the BLANK, AZ idea is a good way to go either. it's better but it's still a little off the mark. and avoid Eternity. that sounds too cheerful. stick with Despair or something downbeat. the movie is about sacrifice and the things leading up to it. maybe ask miguel if you can jack his title, 'Sacrificios' haha. or what about 'The Road to Despair' or something like that?
-i definitely think you should include the suicide and have it play out like we talked about. have it be either someone the audience has met before or related to someone we've met that way it's intertwined and not a tack on. that's also some fodder for merriman and kane. maybe the suicide takes place in front of one of them and they overhear a line of dialogue that hints at what the people in town are doing? now they know things are pretty fucked up. i think that one scene and the fall out of that scene will be enough to get the first half to where you want it.
-pg 42 - the oil panting is a great idea but showing the beast in the painting tips your hand too early. you should have the sacrifice scene in the painting as is but all you see of the beast is like a pair of red eyes or something in the shadows. that way you allude to SOMETHING being there but you don't show what it is yet.
-pg 49 - well played with the new dialogue in the priest scene.
-pg 53 - the kane merriman dialogue here about merriman's son might be too on the nose. you're headed in the right direction. maybe one more pass through this will make it easier to take.
-the merriman/malcolm interaction at the end works A LOT better now. it really brings together merriman's entire subplot. nicely done.
overall it just gets better every time. i think adding that one scene in the first half and tweaking a few scenes to show the fall out of the suicide will bring it all together. i think this draft has enough hints at the creature now so i wouldn't worry about that anymore. you do those minor things and come up with a new title and you'll be golden.
P. 10 - I like the addition of dialogue for Brandon here, gives us a clear intro to what kind of character is in, and what side of good and evil he lies on.
P. 42 - Great foreshadow with the knight/beast painting. I'll have to think about it all more, but I think this might be enough of an allusion to not need any other explicitness about the creature until the cave scenes occur.
P. 49 - Glad you added the "priest living a long time" dialogue... The added/changed dialogue for that scene works. Like the addition of having the Priest grin while stating that Kane complained more than confessed.
P. 65 - "KANE (sighs) Everyone in town keeps telling me that exact same thing. But I’ve never been surer than I am right now. You, are fucking lying." - I'm meh on this. On one hand it definitely creates a little more tension within the scene between Kane and the Bartender and Brandon's group, but on the other hand we've already seen and know Kane's schtick and this seems to just be gratuitous and unneccesary.
P. 75 - "BRANDON - Do you remember when that State Trooper came looking for his nephew? Bloodbath on the highway. I didn’t want that to happen again." - I like this addition. Generates more intrigue as to whats going on.
Pretty much are your additions/changes have made your screenplay, so great job in that respect.
As for shortening the first half of your screenplay, I still say you cut down (or omit completely, placing them in the town to begin with) the driving scenes of both parties (kane/Merriman and Phil/others). The other part where I see you can cut down is the couple pages of interactions of Jacquie and Katie in early ACT 2, I think it would speed things up to the action quite a bit.
Hey, for everyone who comments, I just want to let you know what I need the most.
ReplyDeleteA big thing. I know my title isn't the most popular. I'll explain it. THE DESPAIR EMBODIED. Despair=to give up, lose hope. EMBODIED=to represent in material form. What does the town of Desperado represent for its visitors, "The Despair Embodied." I also think about it as a euphemism for the creature's name. Is this too complicated/ambiguous/artsy? Let me know. I have an alternate title in mind "ETERNITY, AZ" in which I would change the name of the town to ETERNITY. Or it could be just "Desperado, AZ" as the title or "BLANK, AZ." Let me know if you have any suggestions.
Definitely ways to speed up my first half. And by this I mean whittling down dialogue and character actions that are not necessary.
I have an idea to put more ACTION into the first half where a Desperado resident tries to escape, only to be caught by Brandon and company, and then freak out and KILL HIMSELF because he can't stand the torture of knowing and participating in the horrible things that Desperado does anymore.
If anyone has subtle ways that I can hint at the CREATURE'S existence in the first half, let me know. I added in two that I THINK might work. Let me know if you see them.
I haven't been looking at my 2nd half much because that's when the killing starts and "shit gets real" but if there's anything I can cut down or completely out there, let me know.
My changes for this cycle were mostly subplot related, (I gave Merriman a dead son). But if you think I need any DRASTIC CHANGES, let me know.
Thanks,
Eric
Eric, we get it, but your title still sucks... haha. I still say, switch the name of the town and make that the title- like we talked about in Valenti's.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of my comments I'll post them later tonight or tomorrow morning, don't got time at the moment.
-okay eric let's get the title talk out of the way. i totally get what you're going for with your title and i have since day one before we discussed anything. and i personally like it. that being said, i think you gotta change it. the title just isn't commercial and if/when you try to sell this (which you're going to) 90% of the people who see your title page won't turn past it. you gotta think about on a friday night when people go to order tickets, what will they be saying? 'the exorcist', 'aliens', 'halloween.' it's gotta be something punchy that intrigues anyone that hears it all while tying together what the story is about. while 'the despair embodied' could intrigue some, it doesn't quite roll of the tongue for the masses. i also don't think the BLANK, AZ idea is a good way to go either. it's better but it's still a little off the mark. and avoid Eternity. that sounds too cheerful. stick with Despair or something downbeat. the movie is about sacrifice and the things leading up to it. maybe ask miguel if you can jack his title, 'Sacrificios' haha. or what about 'The Road to Despair' or something like that?
ReplyDelete-i definitely think you should include the suicide and have it play out like we talked about. have it be either someone the audience has met before or related to someone we've met that way it's intertwined and not a tack on. that's also some fodder for merriman and kane. maybe the suicide takes place in front of one of them and they overhear a line of dialogue that hints at what the people in town are doing? now they know things are pretty fucked up. i think that one scene and the fall out of that scene will be enough to get the first half to where you want it.
-pg 42 - the oil panting is a great idea but showing the beast in the painting tips your hand too early. you should have the sacrifice scene in the painting as is but all you see of the beast is like a pair of red eyes or something in the shadows. that way you allude to SOMETHING being there but you don't show what it is yet.
-pg 49 - well played with the new dialogue in the priest scene.
-pg 53 - the kane merriman dialogue here about merriman's son might be too on the nose. you're headed in the right direction. maybe one more pass through this will make it easier to take.
-the merriman/malcolm interaction at the end works A LOT better now. it really brings together merriman's entire subplot. nicely done.
overall it just gets better every time. i think adding that one scene in the first half and tweaking a few scenes to show the fall out of the suicide will bring it all together. i think this draft has enough hints at the creature now so i wouldn't worry about that anymore. you do those minor things and come up with a new title and you'll be golden.
P. 10 - I like the addition of dialogue for Brandon here, gives us a clear intro to what kind of character is in, and what side of good and evil he lies on.
ReplyDeleteP. 42 - Great foreshadow with the knight/beast painting. I'll have to think about it all more, but I think this might be enough of an allusion to not need any other explicitness about the creature until the cave scenes occur.
P. 49 - Glad you added the "priest living a long time" dialogue... The added/changed dialogue for that scene works. Like the addition of having the Priest grin while stating that Kane complained more than confessed.
P. 65 - "KANE
(sighs)
Everyone in town keeps telling me
that exact same thing. But I’ve
never been surer than I am right
now. You, are fucking lying." - I'm meh on this. On one hand it definitely creates a little more tension within the scene between Kane and the Bartender and Brandon's group, but on the other hand we've already seen and know Kane's schtick and this seems to just be gratuitous and unneccesary.
P. 75 - "BRANDON - Do you remember when that
State Trooper came looking for his
nephew? Bloodbath on the highway.
I didn’t want that to happen again." - I like this addition. Generates more intrigue as to whats going on.
Pretty much are your additions/changes have made your screenplay, so great job in that respect.
As for shortening the first half of your screenplay, I still say you cut down (or omit completely, placing them in the town to begin with) the driving scenes of both parties (kane/Merriman and Phil/others). The other part where I see you can cut down is the couple pages of interactions of Jacquie and Katie in early ACT 2, I think it would speed things up to the action quite a bit.
As for a new title, I'm still thinking on it.
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