Pg. 84 - "Hell should I know. They’ve had practice though." - I know you're working on fixing this. Perhaps, just make up some term that would explain. i.e. - have Malcolm say, "they divert radio waves using magnetic pulsers" - or something along those lines.
Pg. 85 - "Merriman sees a BEAST standing in front of him." - Malcolm? Doesn't make sense. Malcolm doesn't come off like a hell-bent, vengeful, hateful person up to this point.
Pg. 85 - So, Malcolm's revealing of how his parents were murdered is TP2? - I don't think that is big enough of a turning point. Anyone halfway interested in the film would pick up on this 40 pages in.
Pg. 89 - "JOSH (to himself) So much for Vegas." - too cheesy and lighthearted of a line this deep into the film. Not believable considering all the shit that Josh just went through and knowing his friends could be dead. At this point in the story, Kane is the only character who can really deliver comic relief, as that is part of who he is and set up to be throughout the story.
P. 98 - "A pack of vultures FEEDING on the remains of the two gunmen." - at night? and that quick after their deaths? Seems too implausible and unnecessary. You can just show their dead bodies and the blood flowing from them, reflecting the moon's light.
P. 98 - Good description the cave's ritual setting. Gives a great visual.
Pg. 99-100 - I like the V.O. of Gabriel over Merriman's/Malcolm's actions, builds the suspense very well.
Pg. 102 - "MERRIMAN You go back if you have to, but if you come with me you remember to shoot first (cocks his shotgun) and ask questions later. Got it?" - another line that could come off as very cheesy, especially with the shotgun cock. I don't think Merriman should be cracking one-liners(albeit unbeknowst to him), its not his character. Furthermore, the line totally lessens the shock that we just had from Jacquie's death (and since its this close to the end and we are in the climax, I don't think there is a need for comic relief).
Pg. 105 - wouldn't the blood oozing from Gabriel's head make him a target of the creature as well? I know you set up an established relationship between him and the creature, but I don't know if it is enough up to this point to stop the audience from asking the question I just posed.
Pg. 106 - unsure of what to think about Kane dying. Yes, we finally get to see the creature, but his death, in and of itself, is pretty uneventful considering he is one of the main characters.
Pg. 107 - like you having the Priest as one of Cloaked figures. Good moment with each cloaked member each revealing themselves.
Pgs. 107-113 - Got scenario's. Like the changes you made from D5.
Pgs. 113-ending - I think the ending with Katie is a bit too long. I ony think we need to see a glimpse of the situation with her and the cop, just hinting at the fact that he is a member of the town's cult- that would make the ending much more terrifying imo, as well as cutting down a page and a half or so.
Pg 10, Brandon says “I don’t know, but I think that can wait till later. We got more pressing matters now. People are waiting, remember?” It’s a little too expositional, you can go with “We got more pressing matter, they’re waiting.” And you get the same point across and it’s a little more erie.
Pg 24-25 Josh should get really pissed and manifest it as stopping the car, he’s been really calm about everything till now.
Pg 38 Good scene tack on with Paul, needed it.
Pg 47 Church scene needs the most work I think, sorry man, but the priest is in on it too and if you may need to rework the priests motivation, also the scene needs to move quicker, its almost 4 pages right now, if you can cut it to 2-3 pages it would be more sensible.
Overall, I like the improvements, which will help the flow of the script. It may help even further if before D3 you print enough for a bunch of friends and do a table read to make sure dialogue flows naturally.
Aside form personally being bummed that all of the characters simply die at the end of the film without affecting any outcome, the script is well written and flows well. I got to know the characters which is why putting me through all of their deaths was frustrating. But if that is what you where going for you defiantly got that emotion from me. Again excellent characterizations they all kept the story moving very well.
Two general comments, both dealing with foreshadowing.
Firstly, in general, the monster still seems to kind of come out of nowhere. Sprinkling in several more clues throughout, arranged carefully, can clue the audience in that things are getting weirder and weirder, but still keep them from understanding how. (I almost might recommend checking out how Mulholland Dr turns from a drama to something surreal and almost supernatural.)
Some clues might be: A) Frank, in the first scene, dabs a little of Matt's blood on his finger and examines it thoughtfully and says something more ambiguous like, "What a waste. Bury that one deep and unmarked. You know what to do with the others." B) A townsperson Kane meets early on ends up missing, but nobody in the town seems to think anything of it, or just says they went on vacation or the like.
Secondly, it would be cool if the last scene with Kate getting picked up by the cops somehow mirrored something earlier in the film. Like someone that Merriman and Kane come across - basically an authority figure we trust. This sets a precedent for this kind of interaction ending positive and give us hope at the end of the film. Also, drag the scene out a little bit before Kate shows up to convince the audience that these are two *good*, regular people, who happen to be cops. That way, the horror of the ending is far greater.
More specific stuff:
p. 11 - "MERRIMAN: Well, that’s reassuring, thank you." I laughed. Good line.
p. 13 - convo about the senator's son is much more clear, gets the info out quickly. very nice.
p. 19 - "KANE: I’ll catch the new Harry potter and you can do the questioning." This line will get dated very quickly, and I'm not exactly sure what he's saying by saying that particular movie. I also think keeping up with new flicks isn't exactly in keeping with this town's take on things.
p. 37 - "full a shit." = either "full of shit" or "fulla shit" if you're implying a certain pronunciation.
p. 38 - you can get away with cutting this conversation really short, since the threat is already there in the subtext from the previous scene inside the diner and the fact that he looks at Kane again after he hangs up. He needn't say "questioning" for example, or even that he'll keep Frank posted, just "Hello, Frank. Yeah, the younger guy. To Shelley. Yes, I think everything's fine. Yep, I will." We know he's watching, he's talking to frank, and he's going to do something after. Not knowing gets people nervous and interested.
p. 45 - "Accusations only. They have no evidence. Truman is handling it." You can drop the "evidence" line. It makes Gabriel seem less confident and it's a little redundant. (I picture Christopher Lee playing him for some reason)
p. 49 - "People come to you willingly to confess the truth, whereas I have to get it out of them sometimes by more...creative means." GREAT exchange in this scene. My only concern is it feeling like the priest is in on it too. Even if he is, we shouldn't have any clues whatsoever, because Kane has to trust him. He should feel like he's on Kane's side.
Perhaps, then, in the following scene, Kane is not so much saying that he's got it. He should be having doubts now, because the priest has really affected him. He THOUGHT he had it. They SEEMED rehearsed. He thinks, maybe he's wrong. He goes to the bar for a drink. The bartender knows Kane's gonna get jumped, and he's acting funny. Kane is tipped off and his suspicions come back.
p. 63-64: my problem here is that the conversation sets up the audience to expect Kane to get jumped very soon. I don't think it should precede the scene with Kane getting jumped, because it gives the game away. Drop the cross-talk on 66, too. Take us by surprise that Kane gets jumped. Then you can explain exactly why.
p. 83 - "Fuck he is. We’re all fucked." Love it. Shades of Aliens. "Game over, man! Game over!" Kane's response is wonderfully understated too.
p. 93 - I wondered why when Gabriel talks about using blood to sustain them, Kane doesn't say something about vampires. Gabriel could smile knowingly and say there's no such thing as vampires. After Katie is dragged off, Kane could then notice a claw-mark on the wall after the first person is dragged off. This would have extra shock value after Gabriel's remark about vampires, because we would know he knows something horrible that does exist.
p. 94 - "She moves over to Merriman, gets on he knees." Merriman?
p. 98 - Instead of seeing the silhouette, I think we should just see the shadow cross Jacquie's face as she goes struggling to get free to a look of absolute terror, she freezes and lets out a horrific scream, and perhaps the sound of the creature is heard
Oh, and, another clue: C) A newspaper article or something that reveals a known townsperson back in the 1800's or so. This suggests the longevity of the people in the town without giving it away.
So obviously you got all my comments during break on the initial draft so I'm not going to comment on what's still in there from that draft. I'm just going to focus on the revisions...
-the changes in dialogue and rewriting the action of the opening sequence work much better, especially with Frank's character
-pg. 19 = thank you for changing the 'New Moon' reference. the harry potter line works a lot better.
-in rereading the scenes with the kids in the car I think it not only works, but they need to be in the script. having them show up in Desperado sooner would take away from the build up you've created.
-pg. 38 = good call with the Paul scene. it's small but definitely adds to the suspense you're trying to create in the town.
-pg. 49 = 'are you catholic son?' 'yes. no. not really'... PERFECT for Kane
-pg. 54 = so i noticed you kept Merriman's son alive and didn't have his death be what connects Merriman to Malcolm like we talked about... what if in Merriman's subplot you keep Mike alive and the phone calls with him, but you find a way to work in Mike's older brother (also Merriman's son) died from an OD. this way when Kane brings up that every 17 year old reminds Merriman of his son, the fact that Malcolm's brother 'ODed' really reminds Malcolm of his son. it could also add for an extra little 'something' for Merriman to dance around in his phone calls home making them more interesting... just a thought.
-pg. 79 = you've still got Merriman being quite the asshole to Malcolm. if you're playing out that subplot i think you need to have Merriman use different tactics to get the same outcome here. would Merriman shove his son into the wall then put a gun in his face?
-pg. 98 = Merriman's still being a dick to Malcolm. I get Malcolm is slowing him down but he's being a little too intense here.
What you've got is really good stuff and with each revision it just gets better. All the things I brought up are nit-picky or subplotty type things that I think would strengthen an already strong piece. But you know I like making things more complicated then they probably should be so take what I say with a grain of salt...
I noticed a some typos but not as many grammar errors as I would normally expect. Well done, Eric!
I'll point out the stuff I noticed so you can get them out of the way...
Pg 3: "jus" should be "just" unless that's how he's pronouncing the word, in which case we need an apostrophe.
Pg 5: "Shall we do this" needs a question mark.
I keep mixing up Matt and Marty cos their names are so similar and they both die. I don't think it'll be confusing when I have faces to attach to them, but just thought I should mention it.
Pg 8: Brandon approaches Frank and Marty and asks "he alright?" and Gunman 1 says "he's fine" but I got the impression that he was either asking about Matt or Marty, neither of who are fine...?
Pg 10: "care" should be "carry."
Pg 10: Merriman is on the phone, driving, AND whacking Kane with the file... is that even physically possible?
Pg 12: You got it right the first time but about half way down the page you spell "waste" as "waist."
Pg 12: "need of" should be "need any of"
Pg 13: "when senator daddy... and" should be "then" and "get" should be "gets."
Pg 14: "dead life" should be "dear life."
Pg 15: You say "BRANDON" when I think you mean "BRAD."
You do that again on Pg 15. And again on Pg 24. There might be a few I missed, just make sure you skim through your script and make sure the right names are in the right places.
Pg 19: "see" = "sees" and also "potter" should be capitalized.
Pg 20: "shave" = "shaved"
Pg 26: "Maybe you not" = "Maybe you're not" or even "Maybe not you." Also on this page "what collected" should be "what we've collected."
Pg 27: "your" = "you're" and "greet" = "greets"
Pg 28: "waist" = "waste"
Pg 29: "get" = "gets"
Pg 30: "Franks" = "Frank"
Pg 31: "you're" = "you've" and there should be a period at the end of "dollface."
Pg 32: "day" = "days" and "cleans" = "clean"
Pg 33: "bee" = "been"
Pg 35: "ming" = "mind"
Pg 36: "would of" = "would have" or "would've."
Pg 37: "muster" = "mister" also "can through" = "came through" and "she look" = "she looks"
Pg 38: "(as he leave)" = "(as he leaves)"
Pg 39: "it affable" = "its affable" also "honey, hone" I think you mean "hon" there?
Pg 41: "files is" = "files are" or "file is"
Pg 44: "that's I'm" = "that's why I'm"
Pg 46: "and the boy alone" = "and leave the boy alone"
Pg 48: "and show the" = "and shows the" and "we thin" = "we think" also "everyone in town that I've questioned tell me" should be "tells me."
Pg 50: "thanks you" = "thank you"
That's all for now but I'll be sure to continue reading and let you know if/when I see more.
As for the story, I'm really liking it so far. The townsfolk are properly creepy without seeming too "The Hills Have Eyes" whacko and the college kids are all very believable and relateable. Good job so far!
1; "safe than shot in the face though" i like it 5; the wad of bills, switchblade stuff and dialogue is a bit cliched but i think that's part of the fun of this piece, right? let me know. 13; addition feels pretty expositional, but you might get away with it. at least it's revealed thru conflict which is good. 19; "I’ll catch the new Harry potter and you can do the questioning." funny 25; "But our reservation tomorrow are at noon..." typo: reservations but i like the addition 35; "A SOLITARY MAN sits at a table within earshot of the counter. I like this. Creepy. 38; i like having Paul call Frank here; ask yourself though, are you showing too much of your hand too soon? i'm not sure. let's discuss 44; i like malcolm gabriel scene, but i think you have a typo near the end where char slug says matt and not malcolm i agree with Hosea that Katie ending is to long i agree with michael that merriman has to take a different tactic with malcolm; he can start being a dick and then change it up general: i like this. it's pulpy and delicious; perfectly over the top; you tell me what you're planning to improve; shoot me an email; but i do think it need to come in a 100 pages; absolutely no more probably 90 - 95; not sure where to make the cuts yet. start with the scene that are not integral to the plot
Comments for pages 59-115:
ReplyDeletePgs. 59-71 - Like how these scenes play out. Not much else to mention, it all works.
Pg. 82 - Eighteen? Why specifically 18 cockroaches?
Pg. 84 - "Hell should I know. They’ve had
practice though." - I know you're working on fixing this. Perhaps, just make up some term that would explain. i.e. - have Malcolm say, "they divert radio waves using magnetic pulsers" - or something along those lines.
Pg. 85 - "Merriman sees a BEAST standing in front of him." - Malcolm? Doesn't make sense. Malcolm doesn't come off like a hell-bent, vengeful, hateful person up to this point.
Pg. 85 - So, Malcolm's revealing of how his parents were murdered is TP2? - I don't think that is big enough of a turning point. Anyone halfway interested in the film would pick up on this 40 pages in.
Pg. 89 - "JOSH
(to himself)
So much for Vegas." - too cheesy and lighthearted of a line this deep into the film. Not believable considering all the shit that Josh just went through and knowing his friends could be dead. At this point in the story, Kane is the only character who can really deliver comic relief, as that is part of who he is and set up to be throughout the story.
P. 98 - "A pack of vultures FEEDING on the remains of the two
gunmen." - at night? and that quick after their deaths? Seems too implausible and unnecessary. You can just show their dead bodies and the blood flowing from them, reflecting the moon's light.
P. 98 - Good description the cave's ritual setting. Gives a great visual.
Pg. 99-100 - I like the V.O. of Gabriel over Merriman's/Malcolm's actions, builds the suspense very well.
Pg. 102 - "MERRIMAN
You go back if you have to, but if
you come with me you remember to
shoot first
(cocks his shotgun)
and ask questions later. Got it?" - another line that could come off as very cheesy, especially with the shotgun cock. I don't think Merriman should be cracking one-liners(albeit unbeknowst to him), its not his character. Furthermore, the line totally lessens the shock that we just had from Jacquie's death (and since its this close to the end and we are in the climax, I don't think there is a need for comic relief).
Pg. 105 - wouldn't the blood oozing from Gabriel's head make him a target of the creature as well? I know you set up an established relationship between him and the creature, but I don't know if it is enough up to this point to stop the audience from asking the question I just posed.
Pg. 106 - unsure of what to think about Kane dying. Yes, we finally get to see the creature, but his death, in and of itself, is pretty uneventful considering he is one of the main characters.
Pg. 107 - like you having the Priest as one of Cloaked figures. Good moment with each cloaked member each revealing themselves.
Pgs. 107-113 - Got scenario's. Like the changes you made from D5.
Pgs. 113-ending - I think the ending with Katie is a bit too long. I ony think we need to see a glimpse of the situation with her and the cop, just hinting at the fact that he is a member of the town's cult- that would make the ending much more terrifying imo, as well as cutting down a page and a half or so.
Pg 10, Brandon says “I don’t know, but I think that can wait till later. We got more pressing matters now. People are waiting, remember?” It’s a little too expositional, you can go with “We got more pressing matter, they’re waiting.” And you get the same point across and it’s a little more erie.
ReplyDeletePg 24-25 Josh should get really pissed and manifest it as stopping the car, he’s been really calm about everything till now.
Pg 38 Good scene tack on with Paul, needed it.
Pg 47 Church scene needs the most work I think, sorry man, but the priest is in on it too and if you may need to rework the priests motivation, also the scene needs to move quicker, its almost 4 pages right now, if you can cut it to 2-3 pages it would be more sensible.
Overall, I like the improvements, which will help the flow of the script. It may help even further if before D3 you print enough for a bunch of friends and do a table read to make sure dialogue flows naturally.
Aside form personally being bummed that all of the characters simply die at the end of the film without affecting any outcome, the script is well written and flows well. I got to know the characters which is why putting me through all of their deaths was frustrating. But if that is what you where going for you defiantly got that emotion from me. Again excellent characterizations they all kept the story moving very well.
ReplyDeleteTwo general comments, both dealing with foreshadowing.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, in general, the monster still seems to kind of come out of nowhere. Sprinkling in several more clues throughout, arranged carefully, can clue the audience in that things are getting weirder and weirder, but still keep them from understanding how. (I almost might recommend checking out how Mulholland Dr turns from a drama to something surreal and almost supernatural.)
Some clues might be:
A) Frank, in the first scene, dabs a little of Matt's blood on his finger and examines it thoughtfully and says something more ambiguous like, "What a waste. Bury that one deep and unmarked. You know what to do with the others."
B) A townsperson Kane meets early on ends up missing, but nobody in the town seems to think anything of it, or just says they went on vacation or the like.
Secondly, it would be cool if the last scene with Kate getting picked up by the cops somehow mirrored something earlier in the film. Like someone that Merriman and Kane come across - basically an authority figure we trust. This sets a precedent for this kind of interaction ending positive and give us hope at the end of the film. Also, drag the scene out a little bit before Kate shows up to convince the audience that these are two *good*, regular people, who happen to be cops. That way, the horror of the ending is far greater.
More specific stuff:
p. 11 - "MERRIMAN: Well, that’s reassuring, thank you." I laughed. Good line.
p. 13 - convo about the senator's son is much more clear, gets the info out quickly. very nice.
p. 19 - "KANE: I’ll catch the new Harry potter and you can do the questioning." This line will get dated very quickly, and I'm not exactly sure what he's saying by saying that particular movie. I also think keeping up with new flicks isn't exactly in keeping with this town's take on things.
p. 37 - "full a shit." = either "full of shit" or "fulla shit" if you're implying a certain pronunciation.
p. 38 - you can get away with cutting this conversation really short, since the threat is already there in the subtext from the previous scene inside the diner and the fact that he looks at Kane again after he hangs up. He needn't say "questioning" for example, or even that he'll keep Frank posted, just "Hello, Frank. Yeah, the younger guy. To Shelley. Yes, I think everything's fine. Yep, I will." We know he's watching, he's talking to frank, and he's going to do something after. Not knowing gets people nervous and interested.
p. 45 - "Accusations only. They have no
evidence. Truman is handling it." You can drop the "evidence" line. It makes Gabriel seem less confident and it's a little redundant. (I picture Christopher Lee playing him for some reason)
p. 49 - "People come to you
ReplyDeletewillingly to confess the truth,
whereas I have to get it out of
them sometimes by more...creative
means." GREAT exchange in this scene. My only concern is it feeling like the priest is in on it too. Even if he is, we shouldn't have any clues whatsoever, because Kane has to trust him. He should feel like he's on Kane's side.
Perhaps, then, in the following scene, Kane is not so much saying that he's got it. He should be having doubts now, because the priest has really affected him. He THOUGHT he had it. They SEEMED rehearsed. He thinks, maybe he's wrong. He goes to the bar for a drink. The bartender knows Kane's gonna get jumped, and he's acting funny. Kane is tipped off and his suspicions come back.
p. 63-64: my problem here is that the conversation sets up the audience to expect Kane to get jumped very soon. I don't think it should precede the scene with Kane getting jumped, because it gives the game away. Drop the cross-talk on 66, too. Take us by surprise that Kane gets jumped. Then you can explain exactly why.
p. 83 - "Fuck he is. We’re all fucked." Love it. Shades of Aliens. "Game over, man! Game over!" Kane's response is wonderfully understated too.
p. 93 - I wondered why when Gabriel talks about using blood to sustain them, Kane doesn't say something about vampires. Gabriel could smile knowingly and say there's no such thing as vampires. After Katie is dragged off, Kane could then notice a claw-mark on the wall after the first person is dragged off. This would have extra shock value after Gabriel's remark about vampires, because we would know he knows something horrible that does exist.
p. 94 - "She moves over to Merriman, gets on he knees." Merriman?
p. 98 - Instead of seeing the silhouette, I think we should just see the shadow cross Jacquie's face as she goes struggling to get free to a look of absolute terror, she freezes and lets out a horrific scream, and perhaps the sound of the creature is heard
Oh, and, another clue:
ReplyDeleteC) A newspaper article or something that reveals a known townsperson back in the 1800's or so. This suggests the longevity of the people in the town without giving it away.
Hey Eric...
ReplyDeleteSo obviously you got all my comments during break on the initial draft so I'm not going to comment on what's still in there from that draft. I'm just going to focus on the revisions...
-the changes in dialogue and rewriting the action of the opening sequence work much better, especially with Frank's character
-pg. 19 = thank you for changing the 'New Moon' reference. the harry potter line works a lot better.
-in rereading the scenes with the kids in the car I think it not only works, but they need to be in the script. having them show up in Desperado sooner would take away from the build up you've created.
-pg. 38 = good call with the Paul scene. it's small but definitely adds to the suspense you're trying to create in the town.
-pg. 49 = 'are you catholic son?' 'yes. no. not really'... PERFECT for Kane
-pg. 54 = so i noticed you kept Merriman's son alive and didn't have his death be what connects Merriman to Malcolm like we talked about... what if in Merriman's subplot you keep Mike alive and the phone calls with him, but you find a way to work in Mike's older brother (also Merriman's son) died from an OD. this way when Kane brings up that every 17 year old reminds Merriman of his son, the fact that Malcolm's brother 'ODed' really reminds Malcolm of his son. it could also add for an extra little 'something' for Merriman to dance around in his phone calls home making them more interesting... just a thought.
-pg. 79 = you've still got Merriman being quite the asshole to Malcolm. if you're playing out that subplot i think you need to have Merriman use different tactics to get the same outcome here. would Merriman shove his son into the wall then put a gun in his face?
-pg. 98 = Merriman's still being a dick to Malcolm. I get Malcolm is slowing him down but he's being a little too intense here.
What you've got is really good stuff and with each revision it just gets better. All the things I brought up are nit-picky or subplotty type things that I think would strengthen an already strong piece. But you know I like making things more complicated then they probably should be so take what I say with a grain of salt...
First of all, sorry my comment is so late.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a some typos but not as many grammar errors as I would normally expect. Well done, Eric!
I'll point out the stuff I noticed so you can get them out of the way...
Pg 3: "jus" should be "just" unless that's how he's pronouncing the word, in which case we need an apostrophe.
Pg 5: "Shall we do this" needs a question mark.
I keep mixing up Matt and Marty cos their names are so similar and they both die. I don't think it'll be confusing when I have faces to attach to them, but just thought I should mention it.
Pg 8: Brandon approaches Frank and Marty and asks "he alright?" and Gunman 1 says "he's fine" but I got the impression that he was either asking about Matt or Marty, neither of who are fine...?
Pg 10: "care" should be "carry."
Pg 10: Merriman is on the phone, driving, AND whacking Kane with the file... is that even physically possible?
Pg 12: You got it right the first time but about half way down the page you spell "waste" as "waist."
Pg 12: "need of" should be "need any of"
Pg 13: "when senator daddy... and" should be "then" and "get" should be "gets."
Pg 14: "dead life" should be "dear life."
Pg 15: You say "BRANDON" when I think you mean "BRAD."
You do that again on Pg 15. And again on Pg 24. There might be a few I missed, just make sure you skim through your script and make sure the right names are in the right places.
Pg 19: "see" = "sees" and also "potter" should be capitalized.
Pg 20: "shave" = "shaved"
Pg 26: "Maybe you not" = "Maybe you're not" or even "Maybe not you."
Also on this page "what collected" should be "what we've collected."
Pg 27: "your" = "you're" and "greet" = "greets"
Pg 28: "waist" = "waste"
Pg 29: "get" = "gets"
Pg 30: "Franks" = "Frank"
Pg 31: "you're" = "you've" and there should be a period at the end of "dollface."
Pg 32: "day" = "days" and "cleans" = "clean"
Pg 33: "bee" = "been"
Pg 35: "ming" = "mind"
Pg 36: "would of" = "would have" or "would've."
Pg 37: "muster" = "mister" also "can through" = "came through" and "she look" = "she looks"
Pg 38: "(as he leave)" = "(as he leaves)"
Pg 39: "it affable" = "its affable" also "honey, hone" I think you mean "hon" there?
Pg 41: "files is" = "files are" or "file is"
Pg 44: "that's I'm" = "that's why I'm"
Pg 46: "and the boy alone" = "and leave the boy alone"
Pg 48: "and show the" = "and shows the" and "we thin" = "we think" also "everyone in town that I've questioned tell me" should be "tells me."
Pg 50: "thanks you" = "thank you"
That's all for now but I'll be sure to continue reading and let you know if/when I see more.
As for the story, I'm really liking it so far. The townsfolk are properly creepy without seeming too "The Hills Have Eyes" whacko and the college kids are all very believable and relateable. Good job so far!
1; "safe than shot in the face though"
ReplyDeletei like it
5; the wad of bills, switchblade stuff and dialogue is a bit cliched but i think that's part of the fun of this piece, right? let me know.
13; addition feels pretty expositional, but you might get away with it. at least it's revealed thru conflict which is good.
19; "I’ll catch the new Harry potter and you can do the questioning."
funny
25; "But our reservation tomorrow are at noon..."
typo: reservations
but i like the addition
35; "A SOLITARY MAN sits at a table within earshot of the counter.
I like this. Creepy.
38; i like having Paul call Frank here; ask yourself though, are you showing too much of your hand too soon? i'm not sure. let's discuss
44; i like malcolm gabriel scene, but i think you have a typo near the end where char slug says matt and not malcolm
i agree with Hosea that Katie ending is to long
i agree with michael that merriman has to take a different tactic with malcolm; he can start being a dick and then change it up
general: i like this. it's pulpy and delicious; perfectly over the top; you tell me what you're planning to improve; shoot me an email; but i do think it need to come in a 100 pages; absolutely no more probably 90 - 95; not sure where to make the cuts yet. start with the scene that are not integral to the plot