So to start things off right, I found two plot holes that may require you to re-write the entire newsroom scene. Sorry.
1) Why did Jason say that he didn't send the email, at least Lindsay would say something immediately. It is too convenient for the group if they don't ask questions. 2) How does Maria not recognize Jason if she did a thorough investigation, even if she is in on it, she would say something, anything that would hint toward it.
Overall I like it, I want to see what happens when you put sibling against sibling, how many pages did you want to go to?
So thanks for putting the time in and reading my stuff. Your two questions actually pay off in the third act. I purposely wrote the newsroom scene to play out with these questions in mind...
First, at the end of the second act we find out Ryan is the one behind all the night's events and in the third act we find out that he is the one who sent Maria the email b/c he planned for Jason and co. to go to her.
And second, in the third act we find out Maria is Thomas' mystery girlfriend so she actually DOES recognize Jason and the two girls. She's just playing dumb so she can follow the evening's proceedings without calling attention to herself.
Hopefully these answer your questions. I wanted to post on here so that if others had the same questions we could clarify that before actually getting to class. If they don't, please bring it up in class on Wednesday and we can work through it more. Oh and right now, I'm shooting for 90-100 pages.
I liked your story man. However, I feel a bit bummed that it was his brother doing all the instigating mainly because I don't understand why he would be so cruel to Jason. Also it was his mother who died as well. That said I don't know what your planning for the third act and look forward to finding out.
I had that same concern with Maria not recognizing Jason, but immediately in your new pages you follow through on that, good job.
Why does Thomas decide to give in/spill his part in things? Is it guilt? Does he think Jason knows more than he does?
Pg 67 - Lindsay "What the hell was that" then Jason says he's sorry. To me, he's past the breaking point. He's out for blood now. I don't think he's apologizing to anyone, even if it is Lindsay...but that could just be me.
Another opinion. When Jason gets the picture of Emily, he apologizes to Lindsay. Right now, I think his blood is boiling extremely high, I think he'd greet it with more anger and frustration, even if it is Lindsay.
Pg 71 - Another opinion. You recreate the night of his mother's murder well with the FLASHES. I'm dying to see a full out fight though, instead of Jason just getting SMACKED again. I think he's in that mode where he'd be ALERT AS HELL and not just get knocked out right away. You can still have him get knocked out, just a brief yet brutal fight with the attacker where some REAL PAIN gets inflicted would go a long way in upping the tension to the effect of us thinking that Jason could finally get his man.
Pg 72 - "Borage" is spelled "barrage."
Pg 73 - All about the opinions today. Jason laughs and says "A bench under a lamppost...real specific..." We've seen the picture, that might be too much. He could just say something to the effect of "Really, how the hell am I supposed to know where this is?"
Pg 74 - How he finds the picture might be too cliche. He doesn't know where to go, then he throws something, has to pick it up, and THEN NOTICES the picture, telling him where to go. This is really the first time you've had anything coincidental, and we can all live with one coincidence, but you been structurally perfect up to this point, and I think if you let it lapse here it will take away from what you've done so far. If you have the Caller send him a message that gives him a hint like "Look in your brother's room" I am totally fine with that, since he's been giving him hints all along. I think that could work and even hint to the Caller's identity, which would also be interesting because up until now we've never had any REAL indication that it's Ryan, so far as I can tell.
Pg 76 - "claustrophobic emptiness" Just wanted to say that I really like this phrase.
General Note: Mike you know me, I'm always looking for a way to hurt/kill someone (in my scripts) so this might just be my wheels turning. Jason doesn't find the gun and then leaves unarmed? Wouldn't he bring a knife/baseball bat or something. I could see how he doesn't find the gun and then just leaves because he doesn't have time to mess around, but if you had him with a knife at the cliffs and then he's running up to the figure ready to cut someone's throat, and then he has it at the figure's throat about to cut it, and THEN IT'S LINDSAY! I think that would be some suspenseful stuff. Nothing like being ready to kill someone and then it turns out to be your girlfriend.
OVERALL: Your pacing is excellent. My only major thing is how Jason determines where the bench under a lamppost is. Everything else could work as is. I'm excited to see the finale. Keep up the good work.
Im only seeing your script uploaded that goes through Act2? There doesn't seem to be much change from the last deliverable after reading through this one, so I really don't have much to comment on. One question - that might have been asked already - Who is taking the picture of Ryan looking all beat up (since its from his cell, he couldn't have taken it himself without someone else)?
Going with Eric's comments, on PG 73 I think all Jason should say is "Oh, real specific." I also agree that there needs to be something more than just coincidence that leads him to the picture of his family on that bench. It's too perfect. Eric's suggestion about the text is great.
You're 2nd turning point is fantastic. I'm in total suspense now! GIVE ME THE REST OF THE SCRIPT!!! RAAWWWRR!!!
Mike, I have to be honest and say that I haven't kept up with the drafts since the early ones. Now that I'm trying to keep up I'll say that I'm really impressed with how this script is turning out. It's very suspenseful and well paced.
I kept some notes as I read so I'll share those now:
Pg. 3: The way Jason tries to avoid the grad party is a great way to set him up as a character. I relate because I try to avoid attention from being singled out in a group. Instant connection to the character. Well done.
Pg. 14: The dog tries to warn him about Jackie. Nice touch. It works without being corny like the dog tugging on his pant leg or something.
Pg. 19: Richard Alpert? Lost reference? I think I remember this from earlier draft but it's still funny.
Pg. 32: Ryan is hiding in Ryan’s room? Either you're being redundant in descriptions, you meant to say Jason instead of Ryan, or you're implying Ryan is being sneaky?
Pg. 34, 35: Jason seems to go from calm to worried really fast. Should he stick to one? Maybe he runs up to Lindsay and Emily and brings up the topic of Ryan missing before. Remember, he’s still haunted by one family member being attacked and murdered.
Pg. 36: “Then a light bulb goes off in Jason’s head. He hopes to God he isn’t right.” This doesn’t pay off within the next page so it can be omitted. In addition, it’s not something the audience can visibly see. Translate actions to texts. Leave thoughts to the subtext.
Pg. 60: Flashlight realization. Other than the flashback, I think it’s a weak connection. Could have been any other flashlight, not that particular one. You have other connections in the part of the scene with the file folders on the computer.
Some general notes I also had:
- Capitalized text. What are the rules for that? It seems a little overused at times to emphasize things that don’t really need it.
- “Burns a hole in the phone” “dives into” the e-mail. I'm not a fan of symbolic text when I'm reading a script. As I'm reading and trying to picture the filming of the text, stuff like that breaks my train of thought as I see someone literally doing that stuff. I think you can get those points across with the right adjectives.
- You mention the implications of things a lot, even using the word several times. Let the reader make those implications by making their own connections. It will build the suspense as you read and will translate better to screen. After all, implications can't be seen, only implied.
- I'm not a fan of flashback. In the case of this script, the flashes make it seem at times like Jason is psychic, especially since many of them are of images we've seen earlier. I won't go so far as to suggest you consider using a different plot device, just be wary of how you're delivering information to the audience.
- I can tell end of the script is rough and was possibly rushed so I'll wait until you add to ti to really comment. One thing I'll say is that Ryan’s reveal seems like a joke and carries little weight compared to what has already happened. He screams surprise and takes a picture. It seems like a gag, not something that affected people's lives.
2; it's a nice touch to start this scene pretty sexy and then turn it goofy. it pulls us in and then lightens up. it's nice and makes Jason relatable. also nice writing touches like "Connected to her lips in the passenger seat..." and "until he reaches as far as he can in this position." 4; "...you might still be surprised by a few things." another nice touch; gets us anticipating. wondering what it is 4; and cool to cut from that to a zoom shot of the car 5; good that there are no cars, no people then suprise 7; tough to believe that Ryan would give the card to him in front of all those people; unless he's got a reason; would he be more sensitive 8; hand on the knee - sc getting a bit melodramatic; they'd all be hiding how they feel, especially Jason 13; as he is entering the home and the door is unlocked, you totally have me; i want to know what's about to happen 15; 2 years later - good. i definitely want to know what happened and what happened in btwn then and now 15; nice to cut to "bloody" hands as well good little twist 17; i wonder a bit about dad being such a prick - missing 2 grads? after his wife was murdered the night of the first one? i'm not sure. you will really have to justify this behavior at some point. (and the actor will have to be great.) 20; "Jason starts CLAPPING for his brother and looks next to him at Lindsay." do you mean "...next to him at Emily." 22; good tension when Emily busts his dad about cheap dinner 23; "What? I’m kidding. I know you guys are smart kids and you’ll make the decisions that are best for you." feels off to me 25; it's pretty coincidental - feels a bit contrived - that his mom flashing on the tv; wouldn't he have any idea that they were investigating; feel funny to me; or is the investigation still going? if so, we need to know that. i thought it was past history. if this is new to jason and ryan, they wouldn't make small talk after dinner in the parking lot; they do something
27; nice dialogue btwn bros. i feel a real brotherly rapport 28; how do you make visually clear that the scar is from night mom died. write this visualization in 29; feels funny that reporter would re-visit the crime; but maybe it just needs a tweet to make it plausible 32; "Ryan listens as the phone disconnects. He pauses for a..." Typo Jason listens... 33; "trying to LAUGH OFF the..." given that his bro is missing, that he got the weird call and that his mom was murdered a year prior to the day, i don't think he'd be laughing 34; he would have call ryan long ago 35; i guess if he assumed ryan was with them, you don't need the sense of urgency, but maybe he shouldn't think that; the weird calls would bug him out a bit i think 36; "The message reads: HE’S NOT THERE..." awesome 39; i don't buy that em would continue to think he's bluffing 39; "Jason, I’m so sorry." wrong line 40; jason would have figured out way before now that the bad guy was observing; lindsay too 43; cut to maria feel awkward 46; it's actually more chivalrous to leave then in the car; one at the wheel with the keys 48; it's is EXCELLENT how J is finding out about the "internship"; you totally had me; i was about to write a note about now maria is too familiar and expecting that they'd be there; felt overdramatic. if this twist is what you are going for, then congrats. you totally had me. be sure to discuss this with me. 48; but does maria know that J is the son? 49; i think you need to introduce Kenneth in the first act 51; know i know the answer to the maria know j son question; excellent that she doesn't 52; feels false when he says why he can't call father 60; don't know if i'm buying the flashlight connect from past to present 61; fun to see Thomas talking to Maria; to see the pieces coming together; but too soon? 62; if j has seriously implicated L's dad to her face, i woulda expected a lot more fall out did we know who's office it was J or L's dad? - found/reminded on 73 it was dad's 64; battle with tom feels too soon 66; nice twist that em is now gone 76; don't buy move for gun. he doesn't have a gun 77; i certainly want to read the next part. well done. i'm sure you've seen Fincher's The Game, yes? let me know.
and good stuff on Disturbia outline. is that helpful? let me know. also, did you do a breakdown on The Game? I recommend it for this. send it to me if you do it.
So to start things off right, I found two plot holes that may require you to re-write the entire newsroom scene. Sorry.
ReplyDelete1) Why did Jason say that he didn't send the email, at least Lindsay would say something immediately. It is too convenient for the group if they don't ask questions.
2) How does Maria not recognize Jason if she did a thorough investigation, even if she is in on it, she would say something, anything that would hint toward it.
Overall I like it, I want to see what happens when you put sibling against sibling, how many pages did you want to go to?
Hey Brett...
ReplyDeleteSo thanks for putting the time in and reading my stuff. Your two questions actually pay off in the third act. I purposely wrote the newsroom scene to play out with these questions in mind...
First, at the end of the second act we find out Ryan is the one behind all the night's events and in the third act we find out that he is the one who sent Maria the email b/c he planned for Jason and co. to go to her.
And second, in the third act we find out Maria is Thomas' mystery girlfriend so she actually DOES recognize Jason and the two girls. She's just playing dumb so she can follow the evening's proceedings without calling attention to herself.
Hopefully these answer your questions. I wanted to post on here so that if others had the same questions we could clarify that before actually getting to class. If they don't, please bring it up in class on Wednesday and we can work through it more. Oh and right now, I'm shooting for 90-100 pages.
I liked your story man. However, I feel a bit bummed that it was his brother doing all the instigating mainly because I don't understand why he would be so cruel to Jason. Also it was his mother who died as well. That said I don't know what your planning for the third act and look forward to finding out.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMike,
ReplyDeleteI had that same concern with Maria not recognizing Jason, but immediately in your new pages you follow through on that, good job.
Why does Thomas decide to give in/spill his part in things? Is it guilt? Does he think Jason knows more than he does?
Pg 67 - Lindsay "What the hell was that" then Jason says he's sorry. To me, he's past the breaking point. He's out for blood now. I don't think he's apologizing to anyone, even if it is Lindsay...but that could just be me.
Another opinion. When Jason gets the picture of Emily, he apologizes to Lindsay. Right now, I think his blood is boiling extremely high, I think he'd greet it with more anger and frustration, even if it is Lindsay.
Pg 71 - Another opinion. You recreate the night of his mother's murder well with the FLASHES. I'm dying to see a full out fight though, instead of Jason just getting SMACKED again. I think he's in that mode where he'd be ALERT AS HELL and not just get knocked out right away. You can still have him get knocked out, just a brief yet brutal fight with the attacker where some REAL PAIN gets inflicted would go a long way in upping the tension to the effect of us thinking that Jason could finally get his man.
Pg 72 - "Borage" is spelled "barrage."
Pg 73 - All about the opinions today. Jason laughs and says "A bench under a lamppost...real specific..." We've seen the picture, that might be too much. He could just say something to the effect of "Really, how the hell am I supposed to know where this is?"
Pg 74 - How he finds the picture might be too cliche. He doesn't know where to go, then he throws something, has to pick it up, and THEN NOTICES the picture, telling him where to go. This is really the first time you've had anything coincidental, and we can all live with one coincidence, but you been structurally perfect up to this point, and I think if you let it lapse here it will take away from what you've done so far. If you have the Caller send him a message that gives him a hint like "Look in your brother's room" I am totally fine with that, since he's been giving him hints all along. I think that could work and even hint to the Caller's identity, which would also be interesting because up until now we've never had any REAL indication that it's Ryan, so far as I can tell.
Pg 76 - "claustrophobic emptiness" Just wanted to say that I really like this phrase.
General Note: Mike you know me, I'm always looking for a way to hurt/kill someone (in my scripts) so this might just be my wheels turning. Jason doesn't find the gun and then leaves unarmed? Wouldn't he bring a knife/baseball bat or something. I could see how he doesn't find the gun and then just leaves because he doesn't have time to mess around, but if you had him with a knife at the cliffs and then he's running up to the figure ready to cut someone's throat, and then he has it at the figure's throat about to cut it, and THEN IT'S LINDSAY! I think that would be some suspenseful stuff. Nothing like being ready to kill someone and then it turns out to be your girlfriend.
OVERALL: Your pacing is excellent. My only major thing is how Jason determines where the bench under a lamppost is. Everything else could work as is. I'm excited to see the finale. Keep up the good work.
Im only seeing your script uploaded that goes through Act2? There doesn't seem to be much change from the last deliverable after reading through this one, so I really don't have much to comment on. One question - that might have been asked already - Who is taking the picture of Ryan looking all beat up (since its from his cell, he couldn't have taken it himself without someone else)?
ReplyDeleteGoing with Eric's comments, on PG 73 I think all Jason should say is "Oh, real specific." I also agree that there needs to be something more than just coincidence that leads him to the picture of his family on that bench. It's too perfect. Eric's suggestion about the text is great.
ReplyDeleteYou're 2nd turning point is fantastic. I'm in total suspense now! GIVE ME THE REST OF THE SCRIPT!!! RAAWWWRR!!!
Okay I think you get the point.
Mike, I have to be honest and say that I haven't kept up with the drafts since the early ones. Now that I'm trying to keep up I'll say that I'm really impressed with how this script is turning out. It's very suspenseful and well paced.
ReplyDeleteI kept some notes as I read so I'll share those now:
Pg. 3: The way Jason tries to avoid the grad party is a great way to set him up as a character. I relate because I try to avoid attention from being singled out in a group. Instant connection to the character. Well done.
Pg. 14: The dog tries to warn him about Jackie. Nice touch. It works without being corny like the dog tugging on his pant leg or something.
Pg. 19: Richard Alpert? Lost reference? I think I remember this from earlier draft but it's still funny.
Pg. 32: Ryan is hiding in Ryan’s room? Either you're being redundant in descriptions, you meant to say Jason instead of Ryan, or you're implying Ryan is being sneaky?
Pg. 34, 35: Jason seems to go from calm to worried really fast. Should he stick to one? Maybe he runs up to Lindsay and Emily and brings up the topic of Ryan missing before. Remember, he’s still haunted by one family member being attacked and murdered.
Pg. 36: “Then a light bulb goes off in Jason’s head. He hopes to God he isn’t right.” This doesn’t pay off within the next page so it can be omitted. In addition, it’s not something the audience can visibly see. Translate actions to texts. Leave thoughts to the subtext.
Pg. 60: Flashlight realization. Other than the flashback, I think it’s a weak connection. Could have been any other flashlight, not that particular one. You have other connections in the part of the scene with the file folders on the computer.
Some general notes I also had:
- Capitalized text. What are the rules for that? It seems a little overused at times to emphasize things that don’t really need it.
- “Burns a hole in the phone” “dives into” the e-mail. I'm not a fan of symbolic text when I'm reading a script. As I'm reading and trying to picture the filming of the text, stuff like that breaks my train of thought as I see someone literally doing that stuff. I think you can get those points across with the right adjectives.
- You mention the implications of things a lot, even using the word several times. Let the reader make those implications by making their own connections. It will build the suspense as you read and will translate better to screen. After all, implications can't be seen, only implied.
- I'm not a fan of flashback. In the case of this script, the flashes make it seem at times like Jason is psychic, especially since many of them are of images we've seen earlier. I won't go so far as to suggest you consider using a different plot device, just be wary of how you're delivering information to the audience.
- I can tell end of the script is rough and was possibly rushed so I'll wait until you add to ti to really comment. One thing I'll say is that Ryan’s reveal seems like a joke and carries little weight compared to what has already happened. He screams surprise and takes a picture. It seems like a gag, not something that affected people's lives.
Great work, can't wait til the next draft.
2; it's a nice touch to start this scene pretty sexy and then turn it goofy. it pulls us in and then lightens up. it's nice and makes Jason relatable. also nice writing touches like "Connected to her lips in the passenger seat..." and "until he reaches as far as he can in this position."
ReplyDelete4; "...you might still be surprised by a few things." another nice touch; gets us anticipating. wondering what it is
4; and cool to cut from that to a zoom shot of the car
5; good that there are no cars, no people then suprise
7; tough to believe that Ryan would give the card to him in front of all those people; unless he's got a reason; would he be more sensitive
8; hand on the knee - sc getting a bit melodramatic; they'd all be hiding how they feel, especially Jason
13; as he is entering the home and the door is unlocked, you totally have me; i want to know what's about to happen
15; 2 years later - good. i definitely want to know what happened and what happened in btwn then and now
15; nice to cut to "bloody" hands as well good little twist
17; i wonder a bit about dad being such a prick - missing 2 grads? after his wife was murdered the night of the first one? i'm not sure. you will really have to justify this behavior at some point. (and the actor will have to be great.)
20; "Jason starts CLAPPING for his brother and looks next to him at Lindsay." do you mean "...next to him at Emily."
22; good tension when Emily busts his dad about cheap dinner
23; "What? I’m kidding. I know you guys are smart kids and you’ll make the decisions that are best for you." feels off to me
25; it's pretty coincidental - feels a bit contrived - that his mom flashing on the tv; wouldn't he have any idea that they were investigating; feel funny to me; or is the investigation still going? if so, we need to know that. i thought it was past history. if this is new to jason and ryan, they wouldn't make small talk after dinner in the parking lot; they do something
27; nice dialogue btwn bros. i feel a real brotherly rapport
ReplyDelete28; how do you make visually clear that the scar is from night mom died. write this visualization in
29; feels funny that reporter would re-visit the crime; but maybe it just needs a tweet to make it plausible
32; "Ryan listens as the phone disconnects. He pauses for a..." Typo Jason listens...
33; "trying to LAUGH OFF the..." given that his bro is missing, that he got the weird call and that his mom was murdered a year prior to the day, i don't think he'd be laughing
34; he would have call ryan long ago
35; i guess if he assumed ryan was with them, you don't need the sense of urgency, but maybe he shouldn't think that; the weird calls would bug him out a bit i think
36; "The message reads: HE’S NOT THERE..." awesome
39; i don't buy that em would continue to think he's bluffing
39; "Jason, I’m so sorry." wrong line
40; jason would have figured out way before now that the bad guy was observing; lindsay too
43; cut to maria feel awkward
46; it's actually more chivalrous to leave then in the car; one at the wheel with the keys
48; it's is EXCELLENT how J is finding out about the "internship"; you totally had me; i was about to write a note about now maria is too familiar and expecting that they'd be there; felt overdramatic. if this twist is what you are going for, then congrats. you totally had me. be sure to discuss this with me.
48; but does maria know that J is the son?
49; i think you need to introduce Kenneth in the first act
51; know i know the answer to the maria know j son question; excellent that she doesn't
52; feels false when he says why he can't call father
60; don't know if i'm buying the flashlight connect from past to present
61; fun to see Thomas talking to Maria; to see the pieces coming together; but too soon?
62; if j has seriously implicated L's dad to her face, i woulda expected a lot more fall out
did we know who's office it was J or L's dad? - found/reminded on 73 it was dad's
64; battle with tom feels too soon
66; nice twist that em is now gone
76; don't buy move for gun. he doesn't have a gun
77; i certainly want to read the next part. well done. i'm sure you've seen Fincher's The Game, yes? let me know.
and good stuff on Disturbia outline. is that helpful? let me know. also, did you do a breakdown on The Game? I recommend it for this. send it to me if you do it.
ReplyDelete